Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The 12 Steps for Dealing With the New Taunting Rule

You've probably forgotten by now, since the revised taunting rule came out ALL the way back in April, so here's a brief reminder of the new taunting rule that your team will most likely break if they have a history of consistently doing dumb things at the worst possible moment:
"If a player makes a taunting gesture to an opponent on the way to scoring a touchdown, the flag would nullify the score and penalize the offending team 15 yards from the spot of the foul."
To help you survive such a likely happening and not end up dead on your floor with an exploded head, I've put together a list of steps to ensure that you live to see your team immediately commit a turnover after the penalty or miss the field goal four plays after the penalty. To be fair, none of these steps will apply if the touchdown wiped off the board happens in the final minute of the game because, more than likely, you, someone watching with you, or the television will be in the process of being savagely beaten, thus negating any chance for self-control.

1. Shriek

2. Shriek again (the higher pitched the better)

3. Do your best movie impression where the actor/actress screams "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" as someone they love is blown up and killed

4. Throw something (NOT THE REMOTE; you cannot watch TV properly without a functioning remote; go to Walmart and buy 10 dummy remotes which can all be broken without repercussions, unless windows or sheetrock is involved)

5. Stand behind the couch; it lets your TV know just how mad you are

6. Curse the player, the coach for recruiting him, the player again, his hometown, his high school, the player again, the announcers just because, the coach again, the picture on the wall that always seems to be crooked, the player again, the officials, the coach one more time, anyone who calls you to see what you're doing, and the player one final time

7.  Leave the room for more than five seconds, but not less than 10 seconds

8.  Return to the room with full authority, perhaps even with a stomp or two

9.  Resume cursing and/or angry indecipherable noise-making

10. Finally sit down in a raging silence

11. 30 minutes after the game has ended, assure the police and/or neighbors who show up at your front door that no one has been murdered and that, yes, you know that you have a sickness, but it would be made all better if you didn't have to support a team made up of so many dumbasses

12.  Apologize to everyone you offended, which will be everyone you know

Commit these steps to memory because when this goes down, and it will go down, there will be no time for considered thought.  These steps must become your natural reaction in order for you to recall with great anger many years from now about that one time your team lost a game because of that idiot wide receiver whose name you will never forget.


  1. Can there be any doubt that Alabama will win a game that it should've lost because this rule gets enforced (likely on a borderline violation)? My money is on the Tennessee game. Derek Dooley is always exploring more excruciating methods of defeat.

  2. You are 100% correct. In fact, teams most likely to earn a win because of this rule:

    Teams most likely to earn a loss:
    -Ole Miss
    -South Carolina

  3. Gray, sometimes I think that you have a video camera on me at all times...get out of my head!