Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Addressing the Miami Scandal With The Playmaker Scale

By now, I trust that you've adequately devoured the latest daisy cutter delivered by Yahoo! Sports to a major college football program. And by devoured, I mean read no fewer than nine times because it's the most entertaining thing you'll read this year. Miami players and hookers? Check. Miami players and cash payments? Check. Miami players and lavish favors? Triple check. Miami players and strip clubs? YOU KNOW IT.

The report's details are so over-the-top, not just in the various services provided by booster Nevin Shapiro, but in terms of the number of players involved and Miami's administration's lack of interest that they were burning their own house down, that it's almost something you would see in a movie written by people who don't watch or follow football. You'd be watching and say, "Alright, no one lets players have access to a million dollar yacht and jet skis that they can crash into things. I'd really like if TNT was showing Con Air right now" (and they would be because it's always on TNT). But all of that really did happen.

In order to properly rate the more bold details of the report...wait, hold on. ESPN's Joe Schad has just released an urgent statement concerning college football:

Well, some good news there. So, for those of you who picked up that game five weeks ago and still haven't figured that out, Joe Schad is all over that non-developing story.

Anyway, as I was saying, in order to properly rate the more bold details of the report, we need to bring in one of The U's most experienced members in this field, The Playmaker, Michael Irvin.

We'll be going though some of the individual player page reports (yes, I did say individual players because Yahoo! took the time to organize all of this information into the greatest page currently on the interwebs) and rating some of the alleged activities on a scale of One to Five Playmakers, with Five Playmakers being the most Michael Irvin action in which a player could participate.

Frank Gore
-Several lunches

-$20,000 to $30,000 cash from Shapiro's partner

And that, Ole Miss fans, is one of a few reasons why Gore changed his mind on signing day some years ago

Jacory Harris
-Food, drinks, and entertainment at Shapiro's mansion

-Pool tournaments for cash at Shapiro's home

James Bryant
-Several small cash gifts

Graig Cooper
-Lived on Shapiro's yacht for four days

Robert Marve
-Drinks and VIP access at three strip clubs

-At least two dinners at a steakhouse

Kellen Winslow, Jr.
-Drinks and VIP access in nightclubs

-Use of yacht and jet skis; crashing jet ski into another boat (should have seen that motorcycle wreck coming)

Devin Hester
-Repeated cash gifts

-Cash to buy rims for SUV

-$3,000 for an engagement ring

The Playmaker only shops at jewelry stores that require you to pay $3,000 just to get in the door.

-Tickets to Heat/Pistons playoff game

Loses half a Playmaker because he also proposed at the game, which is always, ALWAYS a terrible idea.

-Suit, shoes, and other clothing

-$7,500 in game bounties, ranging from touchdowns to celebration penalties

Antrel Rolle
-$7,500 watch

-Transportation to and from strip clubs and nightclubs by Shapiro's bodyguards

Sean Taylor
-$15,000 diamond-studded dog tags

Vince Wilfork
-$50,00 cash payment

-$1,500 washer and dryer

Willis McGahee
-Plane tickets to New York for girlfriend and another female

Probably the most Playmaker thing ever.

1 comment:

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