Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Band Fight

With no end in sight to the writer's strike, networks will soon be turning to "reality" television shows to replace the barrage of reruns they've been trotting out since early November. And it's about stinking time because I, for one, am tired of having nothing to watch other than repeats I've seen at least twice. It's like watching Vinny Testaverde and Kurt Warner take the field each Sunday. There might be a few highlights worth watching, but it's going to be fairly boring and you already know how it's going to end. And in the case of TV shows that compare with Vinny T and Kurt Warner, they never end well.

So with the rise in the need for reality TV shows, I think it's finally time to pitch my idea to a network. Most likely it will have to be FOX since it was the same network that showed the World Eating Championship (it's been almost six years I'm still traumatized from watching grown men eat entire bowls of mayonnaise and four pound sticks of butter) and the "We Never Landed on the Moon" show, which pretty much convinced me we never did. Basically, FOX will air just about anything, which is exactly what I need.

The premise: Two crappy bands (and by crappy I mean the worst bands alive today) are put on a remote island in separate camps, much like Survivor, and a winner is declared when one band kills off the all the members of the other band. Shocking? Yes. But compelling and rich. Obviously, the life/death thing going on will bring high drama to the show but the real purpose of the show is to destroy crappy music by destroying crappy bands. For instance, the pilot will feature Nickelback and Smash Mouth, arguably two of the worst bands of our time, if not all-time, squaring off in a battle of survival. Even if Smash Mouth were to prevail, surely they'd lose a band member or two in the process which would certainly put their music making on the shelf for a little while. So with Smash Mouth depleted and Nickelback gone, the free world actually wins because the amount of crappy music being produced will drop. Do you know anyone who has actually said, "I can't wait for the new Nickelback album to come out"? I didn't think so. Point winner, free world.

The one possible drawback to the show is if the lead singer of one of the crappy bands survives. For example, were Nickelback to defeat Smash Mouth and the lead singer Chad whateverhisnameis survives, it would almost certainly mean the launch of his solo career. I've considered this point, but if Chad ? were to launch a solo career it wold almost immediately be followed by the apocalypse so we wouldn't have to endure it for very long.

Tentatively, the show is called Band Fight: (insert location here). Stealing a location from Survivor, the first show could be called Band Fight: Cook Islands. Possible future locations could include Haiti, Guam, the Azores, and Detroit. And if the show gets picked up (which is about as sure as a thing there is in life), future participants could include Cowboy Mouth, The Black Eyed Peas, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, and just about anyone else that plays pretend country music. Now all I need is a meeting with FOX executives so I can start counting my money and enjoying a world with a little bit less crappy music.