Thursday, July 28, 2011

Gene Chizik Fashion Show

Last Year's Leather Jacket Line

This Year's Leather Jacket Line

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

29 Theories and Laws

Well, hello there.  I got lost on the way over here.  In no particular order, a set of 29 statements I think or know to be true (you decide which is which), while we wait out the next 40-ish days until the start of college football season.

-Bo Pelini modeled his coaching style after Bud Kilmer of Varsity Blues

-Johnny Utah, proud quarterback of Ohio State, was ineligible when he played in the Rose Bowl against USC

-The only person with longer index fingers than Houston Nutt is Hakeem Olajuwon

-Speaking of Varsity Blues, since ACL surgery wasn't available in West Canaan or apparently in the state of Texas, Lance Harbor did not attend Florida State and coached the Coyotes to a pair of state titles before leaving to travel the world to race cars fast and furiously with a guy named after a type of fuel

-Dan Mullen has an underappreciated cowlick on the back left of his head

-If Steve Spurrier the coach had been able to coach Steve Spurrier the player, his team would have averaged 73.8 points a game

-Oregon has decided to continue changing uniforms until its fans finally cry "ENOUGH WITH THIS BULLSHIT.  JUST PICK THE TOP 27 AND LET'S MOVE ON."

-As a result of Oregon fans' demand, Nike will be forced to limit 12,000 Southeast Asian/South Pacific children to only one job instead of two

-Everyone cheats, but only the criminally moronic and lazy get caught

-Mark Richt has never been sunburned

-If a Baton Rouge/LSU campus policeman saw Les Miles' car parked in a handicapped spot, of course he'd let it slide, but later that night at home in front of the TV, he wouldn't be sure if he let it slide because Miles is the head coach of LSU or because, well, in his eyes, Miles might not have been out of his element

-More people would stay in their seats at halftime of SEC games if, instead of the bands playing, 30-minute segments of Duke of Hazzard episodes were shown (as long as none of them were from the Coy and Vance season)

-Ed Orgeron's favorite movie is Over the Top

-Lane Kiffin's favorite movie is the entire Iron Eagle franchise

-Joker Phillips has never once dressed up like the Joker

-Mike Leach could take over any football program in D-I tomorrow and win at least seven, but not more than 10 games in the 2011 season

-Nick Saban could scratch out a nine-win season with Texas State transfer Paul Blake as his quarterback

-Kevin Costner believes there was a second tree-poisoner behind the grassy knoll at Toomer's Corner

-Every seven minutes, Texas' athletic department makes ten times what you will make in ten years

-Once the Big 12 falls apart, all that will be left of Kansas, Kansas State, and Iowa State football will be a tree with the word "Croatoan" carved in it

-Gene Chizik could fight off a well-coordinated attack of up to 15 12-year olds

-Despite leaving the Falcons to die, Bobby Petrino still prefers Home Depot over Lowe's

-Jim Delany once won a game of Risk fair and square, but hated every minute of it

-Tulane wakes up every day and says, "Dammit, we could have been the other doormat SEC team to beat Ole Miss five times since 1999."

-Will Muschamp has thrown rocks at his own players

-Even Jackie Sherrill considered Trooper Taylor an "absolutely not" in the hiring category

-Even Trooper Taylor didn't agree with Jackie Sherrill's recruiting tactics

-Despite his commitment to shower discipline, Derek Dooley prefers the generic brand shampoo and body wash

-James Franklin has never even been to Maryland

Friday, July 22, 2011

No More Days of SEC Media Days

The final day of SEC Media Days came to a close with three of the more entertaining coaches to speak, Nick Saban, Houston Nutt, and Les Miles, having their turns today.  James Franklin led off by saying nothing, followed by the other three, who did their best to say nothing.

James Franklin
"Good morning. Really appreciate being here. Excited about an opportunity to represent the SEC, and more specifically Vanderbilt University. Take a lot of pride in this position and opportunity that we have and looking forward to getting to know everybody in this room better."
And we'd like to get to know you a little better.  Other than Ralph Friedgen, does anyone remember anything about Maryland football in recent years?  Could you name five players from the last decade?  Let's see, Shaun Hill (if I didn't play fantasy football and have terrible/injured quarterbacks, I would not have gotten this one), E.J. Henderson, Darrius Heyward-Bey, and let's stop this right now.  No one remembers more than that, and certainly no one remembers them while they were playing at Maryland.
"We already live to very, very high standards as you all know at Vanderbilt University, and always will."
In fact, it's so high, we have a hard time seeing the rest of you from atop our mountain of academia.
"I'm a big believer that your education is more than what you just learn in the classroom. It's a combination of all these cultural experiences, and we can provide that at Nashville."
Especially the latest in toboggan fashion in 90-degree weather, skinny jeans, pearl snap shirts, your personal brand, and eyeglasses you don't need.

And if you're interested in additional coach-speak about building something, great opportunity, commitment, young men, family, additional opportunities, and such, I direct you to a site that has the entire transcript.  But we've got other stuff to cover.  HARK!  Do you hear the trumpets?  That can only mean Nick Saban has arrived!

And he has!  In the latest Alabama coaching shirt!
(I would pay large sums of money if Saban started wearing outlandish things just so I could see thousands upon thousands of Alabama fans wearing something they would associate with people who "ain't right.")

Nick Saban
"How is everybody? I hope y'all had a fantastic summer."
"It's great to be here. I think y'all know that this is one of my favorite days of the year."
Not really.
"We're excited about the standard that we've been able to sort of develop our program to at the University of Alabama. Not only in the winning football game side of it, but we've had some very compelling statistics from a personal development standpoint in terms of mental conditioning for success, peer intervention for leadership, behavioral issues, spiritual development, lots of very positive things that our players have engaged in."
We're now 27% more mature, 41% more likely to be better leaders, 76% less likely to sell textbooks that we don't own, and 28% more Christian-like.
"We feel like we've done a decent job of developing football players."
Oh, Nick, you modest bastard.
"There was one point last year where five out of six teams in the SEC West were ranked in the top 20."
Go Rebels!

When asked about Mike Slive's proposals:
"Well, first of all, my reaction would be I would like to sit down and discuss all these issues and have dialogue about how this would impact in a positive way college football, student-athletes. So that would be my answer to that.

I don't fully understand the purpose of some of these things, and some of these things we've never discussed. So I would like to have a discussion and dialogue about how these things would impact and affect, you know, college football."
NOT A FAN.  The proposal that jumps out at me as completely absurd is the new GPA requirement of 2.5 to become eligible to play in the NCAA (all sports).  That takes a responsibility away from the NCAA and places it on the American public education system, which, to put it mildly, is not even close to ready for that, and maybe never will be.  To pull such a maneuver would be a standard chickenshit move by a bureaucratic giant that doesn't want to use its resources to address the problem.
"...and I think that's probably one of the keys with the SEC, is I kind of feel like we're the national league of college football."
Though I don't understand this analogy, I would like to note that the Pittsburgh Pirates are in first place in their division.  Granted, it's the NL Central and 85 wins will win the division, but the last time the Pirates played in a relevant game, Doug Drabek was pitching.  But, since there are 17 months left in the baseball season, they still may not play in a relevant game.

When asked about preseason predictions by media members:
"So even though I have a tremendous amount of respect for the intelligence level and your ability to prognosticate, which we really can't do, I'm not capable of doing, I don't understand how you come to the decisions that you come to."
You are all MORONS.

On where the starting quarterback battle stands:
"It doesn't stand anywhere. It stands like it stands"
Well then.  About time to wrap this up, no?
"I want to express my thanks and appreciation to all of you who certainly do a wonderful job of covering college football and providing a lot of positive self-gratification and interest to our football players and our program. So thank you very much."
Unable to get a reading on the sarcasm meter.

Houston Nutt
"Good to be here. Year number 14. Appreciate all the work that you do covering SEC football, one of the greatest leagues in America. Glad to be here."
No man in America could get four sentences out of 28 words for an average of seven words a sentence.  You suck, E.E. Cummings.
"I've always followed the rules."
Except when we recruit five-star linebackers who have previously committed to Mississippi State!  Am I right, State fans?  Hey-oh!

/high fives the air
"You may wake up on signing date and that 18-year-old may say, You know what, I'm thinking about going somewhere else, even though he's given you a commitment, 'cause there are such things now as soft verbals. Sometimes they don't carry out a commitment, they don't know exactly where they want to go on signing day. So you don't know."
2nd person to 1st person to 3rd person to 2nd person.  Now that is a Houston Nutt train of thought.

On Slive's proposed changes:
"No one kept up with me when I went to school back in the '70s. We still managed to get a degree. So we've come so far, we've come such a long way. It just concerns me there's so many rules that it seems like we keep putting on our guys to make it harder.

I wish there was a rule where our guys would have to get away from campus for 25 days a year. But right now our freshmen that came out of high school have been on campus since May 27th. First session of summer school. So basically you've created, I got to go to school year-round. It's constant.

Have a lot of good stories where guys that graduate after three, three and a half years. I have a few of those stories. They start working on their masters. But not everybody is going to be a doctor and a lawyer.

My mother was an educator, an English teacher for 34 years. She instilled in me the importance of an education. I want our guys to graduate. I want them to go to school. But I'm concerned of the rules, more and more and more rules are being thrown at our athletes and now go play 14 games if you get to the championship. Go play a Thursday night game. You may play sometimes on a Sunday.
So there's just a lot of things, again, I haven't read about. 

I put a lot of trust in Commissioner Slive and I'm looking forward to reading it."

When asked about Mississippi State's "This is Our State" billboards:
" waste your time on energy, using just valuable energy on something like that is a waste of time. You better be concentrating on recruiting, concentrating on winning, helping your players become a better person and a better football player."
And not getting your ass handed to you in two straight Egg Bowls.
"I want to spend five seconds talking about Jeremiah Masoli. We spent a lot of time last year talking about him. Some of you guys even criticized that guy. That was a great experience for him, a great experience for Ole Miss. I think we helped him and he helped us. He's a tremendous person. He wanted to change his life around. I really think that he has. Tremendous work ethic, tremendous attitude."
Eight sentences in five seconds.  No, I didn't time it, but having listened to many a Houston Nutt press conference, I have no doubt he did it in that time.
"There's too many times where we didn't take care of the ball last year."
In the past three season, Ole Miss starting quarterbacks have thrown a total of 46 interceptions.  That's about infinity more than any other team during that stretch.
"I have a sting anytime we lose. It's a real sting anytime we lose."
And with that, I don't want to experience any more Houston Nutt for now. 

Les Miles
It should be mentioned that Miles walked to the front of the room, sat down in the moderator's chair, and had to be reminded that he would be speaking from the podium.  Les Miles has been an SEC football coach since 2005.
"Afternoon. Summer's over. The youth baseball and swimming and basketball, walks on the beach with my wife, that's past. It's time to prepare. Frankly, I'm looking forward to it. It's that time of year."
Am I in the right room?
"Offensively I think the addition of Steve Kragthorpe has really helped Jefferson. Jefferson is in his final campaign and really is at the best position that he has been in in listening and taking coaching. So he's been well-coached."
Let's see here.  Gary Crowton and Steve Kragthorpe are listed as the offensive coaches in his LSU carer.  So this alleged well-coaching, when did it take place and by whom?

Talking about who will back up Jordan Jefferson:
"I think we're going by Jarrett Lee first."

"You know what, I don't know really if I've ever been to a message board. I've certainly instructed my team to avoid the Internet. Those people that sign their name 'Slick Willie' don't necessarily have legitimate opinions."
Those princes from Nigeria aren't really princes like they say they are!

On the famous basketball video making the rounds earlier this summer:
"So we took an afternoon and displayed my basketball ability very honestly. Made the shots that I shot. The slam was my slam. I defended my seven-year-old Macy Miles extremely well."

And that does it from this year's version of Media Days.  Much was said, little was learned, and Les Miles, minus sitting in the wrong place, seemed a bit too organized and coherent.  Perhaps he's on sedatives for these things now.  Oh well, he'll bounce back after something goes terribly wrong, then perfectly right during the Oregon game. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

One More Day of SEC Media Days

New SEC Officiating Director Steve Shaw opened Day Two by addressing the media before the coaches and players began speaking, and I'm sure he said great things about officiating and how the conference is dedicated to getting it right.  Unless the call goes to the replay booth, in which case, you might as well have a pair of ants race to the next crack in the sidewalk to determine the outcome of the call.

He did cover a few rule changes, including the new rule that states if a player taunts the opposition while going in for a touchdown, the touchdown will be taken off the board and a penalty assessed from the spot of the foul.  I cannot wait until an Ole Miss touchdown is taken away in one of the few games we have a chance to win this year, and it's going to happen.  I say that I can't wait because science will get the benefit of the discovery of a new type of rage.  White-hot with extended blackouts and possible seizures is my best guess.  You're welcome, people of science.

Joker Phillips
"Good morning.  How you doing?"
We doing fine.
"Our theme this year is 'Rise.'  Our marketing department came up with the theme 'Rise.'"
Additional evidence that all marketing departments are terrible and should do absolutely nothing in-house.
"One of the questions that I had for this football team when we left here in January was, Are you ready to do the right things with the right attitude, with the right maturity, with the right focus every day? That's what it's going to take for us to continue to rise in this league, to continue to have success in this tough league. That's what we talked about the first meeting when we left here Birmingham with the BBVA Bowl in January."
I have zero recollection of them playing in a bowl game in Birmingham last year.
"With that, what do you guys want to talk about?"
How is the pond in Rich Brooks' backyard doing?  I saw that he had some silt problems last spring.  Just want to make sure he's gotten that cleared up.
"You know, I am close to Rich Brooks. Rich Brooks is another mentor of mine. I do talk to Rich. I don't talk to him as much as when I first took over, but we do communicate. Got a voicemail from him yesterday with all the things going on. Haven't had a chance to return it, but I will."
It's hard to stay in touch with him when he's busy fishing every river and playing golf at every course in Oregon.  Seriously.  Just look through his Twitter feed.

I read more of his remarks, but fell into my keyboard right about the time he was talking about 95% of the game is mental something something whatever.

Mark Richt
"Good to be here.  Year 11.  It's amazing.  It's an exciting time for me to be here, exciting time at Georgia."
Yes, it is amazing.  Amazing that Georgia, sitting on top of all the resources of an LSU or Alabama, has allowed you to stay and convert those resources into so little over the past few years, culminating with a 10-6 loss to Central Florida.  In Memphis.  In December.  10-6.  Central Florida.
"I think that everybody understands what it's going to take prepare-wise.  I think everybody has been willing to pay the prize.  I say 'everyone.'  There have been a few guys that have gotten off the bus, so to speak, from a year ago, or last few months, last few days.  Some guys have chosen to move on and a couple guys got a little bit of help."
Some guys got pulled off the bus by the police, some are morons, and some think they are way better than they actually are.  Also, the bus ran over all available running backs but two.

Then Richt began to speak in tongues and threw the podium at the media.  Or that might have been in my dream while napping through the rest of reading his comments.

Gene Chizik
"...Ted Roof does a phenomenal job."
And with that, he deserved to be asked about nothing but the NCAA investigation, the incident in Destin, and Cam Newton, which, save for a few questions most likely asked by Auburn writers, he was.  This is what he looked like and said during NCAA-related questions:

Derek Dooley
"Hey, guys, let me start by thanking you guys for being here, the great job you do covering the SEC, the exposure you give Tennessee. We’ve certainly done our part in giving you some material to write about over the last year. But that’s what a good relationship is all about."
Dooley and Les Miles together gave everyone enough to talk and write about for the next 412 years.   I'll never forget wildly cackling in my house as LSU was running around like everyone was on fire, clearly with no chance of getting off a final play against Tennessee.  Then, even though I despise Tennessee (a tip of the hat to you, Coach Fulmer), I remember feeling very happy for Derek Dooley when I saw that look of pure joy you rarely see on a coach's face.  That was all quickly followed by rage and disbelief that Les Miles had once again escaped a roaring house fire caused by the fire he started on the living room couch.
" long as he (Tyler Bray) continues on that track of improvement, I think we’re all going to be impressed with what Tyler’s production is."
I want to go on record as saying I would love to put up some cash money that Tyler Bray takes home the Third Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure.  In 2009, Jevan Snead set a blistering pace of 17 INTs thrown (he would add three more in the Cotton Bowl for a total of 20), and Jeremiah Masoli kept the trophy at Ole Miss by throwing 13 last year.  Given his reckless decisions, I think Bray has a really good chance to fall somewhere between the two.

"I hear about how it’s so awful when a player gets a scholarship taken away. I’m sitting there going, Universities give academic scholarships all the time, and if a student doesn’t meet certain academic requirements, they take it away from them. 

It’s no different to me in athletics. We have a commitment to them, and they have a commitment to us. So we’re giving them a benefit and they’re giving us a benefit. That’s why it’s a contract.  

So I think how we have things is good, it’s fair. It is one year. It’s renewable. I think the market takes place when a team is abusing that situation. If a coach is just taking away scholarships, kicking people off the team, the market is going to take care of it in recruiting. Who is going to want to go play for the guy? Allow the market to act."
God bless you, Derek Dooley.  I wish for excellent shower discipline for all your team, and that an experienced senior somehow finds his way into your possession.

And that's followed by a perfect example of why it is completely insane that a school like Louisiana Tech and Tennessee play in the same division of college football (he's talking about cutting costs in recruiting services):
"We just did little quality control, shaved it down a little bit. Nobody told me to do it.
You got to remember where I came from. We didn’t have any money at Louisiana Tech. I mean, my instinct was to cut money. Then I realized we had $100 million. Then I’m going, Why did I just do that (smiling)?"
Oh, what the hell, let's have one more good memory of the LSU and North Carolina circus shows:
"I told everybody I was 8-7 in post-game handshakes last year. It was a remarkable feat (smiling)."
And that wraps up Day Two.  Tomorrow is our final day, and with Houston Nutt and Les Miles on the schedule, it promises to be a day filled with anarchy.  But, before you go, I advise you to watch this.  It's Dan Mullen as he goes through the day yesterday, complete with a spot-on Spurrier impression (about 1:30-1:45).

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Two More Days of SEC Media Days

With Day One of SEC Media Days now behind us, we turn around and survey just what happened over those few, relatively eventful hours. The Commissioner, Mike Slive, opened things by unveiling a plan to make the not only the conference, but the NCAA as well, smarter, full of slower players, and a place with fewer recruiting violations. 

Of the coaches that followed up such a grand plan, Bobby Petrino got an offseason personality upgrade (had a to buy a new smart phone to get it), Will Muschamp was ready to fight everyone whether they wanted to or not, Steve Spurrer did not give a damn, and Dan Mullen wanted everyone to buy a house in Starkville and move there immediately.

Mike Slive
"Samuel Clemens, who wrote Mark Twain,..."
 For you Auburn people, that's kind of a reference to a book with words and not pages that you color.
"...somebody wrote his obituary before he died. In his immortal words: The rumors of my resignation’ are greatly exaggerated. So you’re going to have me for a bit longer."
You go to hell retirement rumors!  You go to hell and you die!
"As anxious as I am to begin my 10th SEC football season on the heels of five consecutive national championships, to brag about winning seven national championships this year alone, bookended by championships in football and baseball for the third consecutive year, and to tell you about the academic successes of student-athletes like Greg McElroy and Derek Sherrod. I’m not going to do that."
Sorry about all these rings everywhere, Jim.  Here, let me move that pile over here so you can have a seat.

He goes on to list an agenda for correcting many of the wrongs he believes exist in college sports, but he's mainly talking about football.  His four points, which you can find in great detail elsewhere, are summarized as follows:
1.  Giving athletes more money in their scholarship packages
2.  Make it harder to get into school
3.  Attempt to better organize recruiting rules
4.  Help the NCAA catch those who blatantly cheat
/attempted not to stare at Auburn and failed

He went on to also propose multi-year scholarships instead of the one-year system that's currently in place, and he said OH MY GOSH HE WON'T STOP TALKING IT'S JUST SUB-BULLET POINT AFTER BULLET POINT AND THE STORIES HOLY CRAP MAKE IT STOP.

Bobby Petrino
"Thank you and good afternoon. It’s good to be here in Birmingham again for Media Days. I always wonder when I say that how to keep a straight face..."
"...but more so this year really because today is actually my anniversary. So the first thing I have to do is wish my wife Becky a happy anniversary. It’s our 26th anniversary.  Doesn’t seem like that long ago when we were driving down the highway to go on our honeymoon singing ‘Put me in, coach.’ Got that out of the way, means I can get back in the house tonight."
Did he just make a joke?  I thought he just made a joke.  Is he joking about making a joke, or was it an actual joke?
"Defensively, our speed on the edges at defensive end and linebacker and in the secondary is where it needs to be. Through recruiting and through development, a lot of these guys worked extremely hard to continue to get more flexible, faster as the years have gone on. I feel like we’re at the speed where we need to be."
Be that as it may, but according to my records, Willie Robinson is still coaching these players.  I guess this means they'll get to the wrong spot faster, but then recover more quickly.
"I think the first thing, when you look at Knile Davis, you look at his work ethic. Here is a young man that in the weight room has continued to get stronger and faster."
He's also a guy, who in the last seven games of the season, ran for 1,028 yards (146.9/game) and 12 touchdowns.  For the record, no player terrifies me more going into the season than him.
"It’s (2010) a 10-win season. We were 10-3. We had every chance in the world to win that game (Ohio State game). We got beat on the field. We had a very, very good season. I don’t know a lot about giving up wins, what that means. But it has zero effect on our football team and how we go forward, how we approach our business."
Remember that time you kept leaving Mallett to face the Ohio State pass rush, who were destroying your offensive line, with no extra blockers?  Remember when that finally caused the game-losing interception?  That was mildly amusing.

Will Muschamp
"Thank you so much. Great to be here. Great to be back in the Southeastern Conference and at the University of Florida.  Great to see a lot of familiar faces. I appreciate the job you guys do in supporting college football, the SEC and the University of Florida."
Pretty sure he played a pre-recorded message right there and while it was running, he scanned the room for the weakest five people he could kill for sport with his eyes.
"My email is full of suggestions from the Gator Nation."
Most of them read:  "Be like Urban and find another Tim."
"I don’t deal in rumors or message boards. I don’t know any good ball coaches that do that."
Now you sound like Urban!
"I ain’t never been to Italy."
Well, there goes that.  Anyway, that was about it for Muschamp, a heavy user of the coach-speak.

Steve Spurrier
"Good to be back here again. We’re happy to be here. Got some really, really good players we brought with us. Marcus Lattimore, Alshon Jeffery, and Travian Robertson came with us today. You will hear from them a little bit later.

But, again, South Carolina football, we made some progress last year. We did some things for the first time ever, beat a No. 1 team, Alabama, on October the 9th, won our first game ever in The Swamp. Won the Eastern Division, the first time ever. We’ve accomplished a few firsts, but there’s plenty more for us to go after."
He seems pleased, but right about the time he mentioned Alabama, he remembered all the things that irritated the hell out of him last year.
"Again, just briefly, last year, we were a very evenly consistent team, I guess you’d say, offense and defense. Both of them finished seventh in the conference. We were not a great team, by any means. We’re sort of middle of the pack in offense and defense. And our special teams were ranked near the bottom in about every category, bottom half, kickoff recover, kickoff return, punt return. We haven’t done a whole bunch on special teams. Hopefully we can do that."
After a few more positive comments on his team, he remembered the last two games of the season, and most certainly, how his quarterback that he refused to kick off the team played in those games.
"You know we lost our last two games last year, so we’re not sitting around patting each other on the back too much. We got clobbered in the SEC game by Auburn and didn’t play when the game was on the line. Against FSU in the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, we fought back, got back in the game, but when it was on the line, didn’t do much.

We’ve got a long way to go."
And then the Garcia questions started.
"Stephen has done well. He has some guidelines he must follow to be reinstated in August. He’s done everything we’ve asked. He’s certainly behaved very well, gone to all the workouts from what I understand.

So right now he in all likelihood will be set to return. But he and Connor Shaw will battle it out a little bit. Stephen played well last year, other times not so well. He may be our best quarterback, but we’re going to have a little competition in pre-season this year. Connor Shaw has been a year there now. We feel whoever our quarterback is, he needs to go out and earn it in pre-season practice. So we’ll have some competition for the quarterback job."
So, reading through that, as long as Stephen Garcia doesn't act like Stephen Garcia, he's going to be the starter.  Though, part of me wishes Connor Shaw would start for at least one game to see how long he lasts before Spurrier pulls the visor over his eyes and shuts that experiment down until Garcia fumbles twice in the fourth quarter of a conference game.
"How much longer do I plan on coaching? That’s a good question. I always say four or five more. Maybe I’ll start saying three or four more. I don’t know."
And there it is.  An exact calculation how many years Stephen Garcia has taken off his life.  Speaking of Garcia, why wasn't he kicked off the team?
"I guess we don’t want to kick him out for stupidity (laughter). And there’s some reasons that he’s probably done some things."
We'll just wait until the physical violence starts.
"Well, again, most coaches, if they win a lot, win a lot of championships, they do talk a little bit more. You’ll notice that all around. I haven’t won enough to be very talkative lately. That’s just the way life is, I think."
Except today.
"I saw Dan Mullen. Mississippi State has a jet airplane out there. We pulled our little KingAir up next to it. They’ve got a lot of money at Mississippi State. Everybody’s got a lot of money, I guess."
DAMN YOU, STEPHEN GARCIA.  If you're the reason he leaves two or three years early, I will hate you forever.  So THERE.  Oh, and Spurrier has more.
"Well, first of all, he may get beaten out by Connor Shaw. I said it earlier, we’re going to have competition. I guess everyone assumes Stephen is going to be the quarterback if he’s there. But we’ll see. We’ll see how Connor performs in pre-season and how Stephen performs and go from there.  But, no, I haven’t lost any sleep over it, if that’s what you mean."
But he has lost years off his coaching career.  And Mike Slive is trying to take more years off with his mult-year scholarship proposal.  What did Spurrier think about that?
"No, that’s a terrible idea, Commissioner. Do you sportswriters have a two-year contract, three- or four-year?  Have you ever had a two-year deal? If you go bad, don’t show up to work, your butt will be out on the street.  Everybody has to earn your way in life. You earn your way in life. Go from there. That’s the way I believe. 
Luckily coaches have four- and five-year contracts. They get paid off if they get canned, I guess (laughter).  No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. The Commissioner and I agree on a lot of things, but not that one there."
/cranks up "Freebird"

Dan Mullen
In response to Steve Spurrier:
"...I’ve never played Augusta National, so I can’t be on his level (smiling). He’s probably a member there; we just don’t know."
Alright, I'm running out of gas here.  Anything else of note?
"I give our athletic department a lot of credit. They’ve made our game day not just a game. They’ve made it an event. If you come to Starkville on a Saturday, it is an event. It’s the place to be in Mississippi. There is so much going on for everybody in the family, whether it be out in the parking lot, in the tailgating, in the kids’ area outside the stadium, to actually all the excitement of the game itself.  They have all bought in, and our fans have done that. 

We’ve done a great job of promoting it. I think everybody, when they walk out, they leave Starkville on a Saturday, they’re looking forward to coming back. They’re looking forward to the event that it was, not just for one person but for an entire family. That’s made all the difference.  I thank our fans for buying in and doing those things."
"You can’t just roll the ball out there and say, We’re going to get by this week. That doesn’t work that way in the SEC."
Or when you play against whatever conference Jacksonville State is in.
"You know, too many people want to just get to the top of the mountain to see the view, but they don’t understand the journey of that hike and climb to the top of the mountain, that’s the life experience of what it’s all about. It’s not just about seeing the quick view. 

If you just want to see the view, you can open the book and see the picture of a view from the top of a mountain. You can turn on Everest, watch on TV. That’s what it looks like from the peak of Mt. Everest. I can tell you what, the people that climbed the mountain, the journey along the way, that’s what makes your life and develops and defines who you are as a person. It’s not the arrival spot, it’s the journey.  I don’t know if I’d change a thing because it wouldn’t make me who I am today."
Stop stealing stories and/or analogies from Houston Nutt.

2011 SEC Media Days: Three Days of That Sweet Fix

Drink in the pavement, I-459, and chain restaurants

I did a summary of sorts of all things media days last summer, which is always a perfectly good reason for doing something again, and so, we shall embark on that quest again. Well, that reason and the thought of not injecting the nonsense and four interesting bits of information directly into my veins (literally or figuratively? Not sure) is unthinkable. So, here we go, each day broken down by teams, those speaking, player thoughts, and most entertaining moment likely to happen.

Also, like last summer (trying to go green around here), I'll recap each day using actual quotes of those who speak.

1:00 PM - 3:50 PM

Those with speaking parts:  Bobby Petrino, RB Knile Davis, WR Jarius Wright, and Tenarius Wright
Thoughts of players during interviews:
-"I can't wait to explore the space of being a starting SEC quarterback. I did see a Hooters on the way in today."
-"All these questions about my receivers. I hope Nike added 250% more stickum to their gloves."
-"I know one of these dudes gonna call us the Wright brothers."
-"No shit, Sherlock! I had no idea our first names also rhymed."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  The very first question to Petrino about Ohio State.

Those with speaking parts:  Will Muschamp, QB John Brantley, DE William Green, and WR Deonte Thompson
Thoughts of players during interviews:
-"Who is Deonte Thompson?"
-"I feel like Charlie Weis is standing behind me. Is he standing behind me? It smells like him in here."
-"All this attention. Damn, I hope I'm the starter this season."
-"Dude, if this man asks me about Tebow, I'm gonna tell him he was an asshole."

/struck down by Urban Meyer (HE KNOWS ALL)

Highly entertainment moment most likely to happen:  An Urban Meyer question.

3:20 PM - 6:00 PM
South Carolina
Those with speaking parts:  Steve Spurrier, WR Alshon Jeffery, RB Marcus Lattimore, and DT Travian Robertson
Thoughts of players during interviews:
-"Pretend like you're excited about Stephen coming back. Pretend like you're excited about Stephen coming back. Pretend like you're excited about Stephen coming back."
-"Don't throw Conner under the bus. Don't throw Conner under the bus. Don't throw Connor under the bus."
-"Don't mention my vertical is now 56 inches."
-"Don't mention I am now 75% unbreakable metal."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Spurrier's opening statement in which he grits his teeth and says how excited he is to be in Hoover, Alabama in late July.

Mississippi State
Those with speaking parts:  Dan Mullen, RB Vick Ballard, DT Fletcher Cox, and QB Chris Relf
Thoughts of players during interviews:

Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Dan Mullen spends five minutes explaining the reasoning behind "The School Up North," trying to get just one reporter to not have a blank stare.

8:30 AM - 11:20 AM

Those with speaking parts:  Joker Phillips, OG Stuart Hines, LB Danny Trevathan, and QB Morgan Newton
Thoughts of players during interviews:
Forgoing this to point out I featured Trevathan last August before he became one of the better linebackers in the conference. What does that make me? I DON'T KNOW.
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Stuart Hines shows his ID to reporters to prove he is Stuart Hines.

Those with speaking parts:  Mark Richt, CB Brandon Boykin, C Ben Jones, and QB Aaron Murrray
Thoughts of players during interviews:
-"Anyone here look like they can play running back?"
-"Should I tell the story about Coach Grantham's back sweat jar?"
-"I liked it better when A.J. Green was here."
-"I feel like stealing something or hitting something with my car."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Impossible.  It's Mark Richt.  Though it is possible everyone drowns in a sea of coach-speak.

10:50 AM - 1:30 PM
Those with speaking parts: 
Gene Chizik, WR Emory Blake, DT Nosa Equae, and TE Phillip Lutzenkirchen
Thoughts of players during interviews:
"Look at all these kinda chunky white people."
"Am I the first ever tight end to come here?"
"That dude looks like Barrett Trotter.  And so does that one.  And him too.  Oh yeah, definitely him too."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Chizik repeatedly hits his chin on the microphone.

Those with speaking parts: 
Derek Dooley, DL Malik Jackson, RB Tauren Poole, and OL Dallas Thomas
Thoughts of players during interviews:
"Don't ask me about Bray's tattoo.  Don't ask me about Bray's tattoo.  Don't ask me about Bray's tattoo."
"I think I forgot to practice good shower discipline this morning."
"Yep.  Did not get enough lather behind the ears."
"That third helping of baby back ribs at the lunch buffet may have been a poor choice."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Dooley explains how the tactics used in the First Boer War, Crimean War, and Falklands War are a perfect metaphor for what they're trying to accomplish on kickoff returns.

8:30 AM - 11:20 AM

Those with speaking parts: 
Nick Saban, S Mark Barron, LB Dont'a Hightower, and RB Trent Richardson
Thoughts of players during interviews:

Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen: 
Just to see if he can keep the streak going, Nick Saban works in the word "pimp" during his time at the podium.

Those with speaking parts: 
James Franklin, CB Casey Hayward, LB Chris Marve, and QB Larry Smith
Thoughts of players during interviews:
"Idiot.  I'm not a walk-on."
"How dare you.  I am not a walk-on."
"Why is no one here yet?"
"Chick-fil-a truly has the best biscuits in the world."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Franklin uses the phrase, "an explosive offense, like the one we had at Maryland."

10:50 AM - 1:30 PM
Ole Miss
Those with speaking parts:  Houston Nutt, RB Brandon Bolden, DE Kentrell Lockett, and OT Bradley Sowell
Thoughts of players during interviews:
"No, I don't know why Enrique Davis keeps getting carries either."
"Man, I've looked at the stats too.  It doesn't make sense."
"It looks like some kinda Presbyterian church in here."
"Hopefully, they won't remember the quote after the South Carolina debacle."
"Dammit.  They did."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  Nutt's opening statement lasts 11 minutes, contains 411 periods, 672 commas, and 89 sentences that are four words or fewer.

Those with speaking parts: 
Les Miles, LB Ryan Baker, QB Jordan Jefferson, and WR Russell Shepard
Thoughts of players during interviews:
"Should I admit we've never once practiced a two-minute drill?"
"We don't even have a clock at practice."
"Hell, most of our practices just end when Coach wanders off and we can't find him."
"Thomas Jefferson.  Thomas Jefferson.  Thomas Jefferson.  Thomas Jefferson."
"Come to think of it, I've haven't even met Coach Kragthorpe yet."
Highly entertaining moment most likely to happen:  "HAVE A GREAT DAY, SEC MEDIA PEOPLE!!!"

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Texas A&M Just Now Getting Around to Realizing How Badly They Are Screwed

I've never been to College Station. Even though I now live less than two hours away, I've never had the desire to see the state of Texas' version of an agricultural school. I assume everything is made of materials that cost one dollar more or one dollar less than the buildings at UT-Austin, depending on which school was in the mood to win the insignificant pissing contest of that day.

I'm sure it's a fine place, filled with many fine people. However, unlike the rest of the country, they fall within the area of those most likely to subscribe to the upcoming Longhorn Network, the all-University of Texas channel from ESPN, and have been subjected to constant reminders of its debut for several months now. If you haven't seen the commercial for the network, here it is and your brain would be correct if it just said to you, "Man, I hope they use McConaughey for the voice-over."

So, it's a little surprising they're just now getting around to learning more about the Longhorn Network, and doing so behind closed doors, presumably to hide very important and powerful people's "Oh shit" faces from public viewing.  Specifically, they're going to address the airing Big 12 (I HATE YOUR NAME SO MUCH) games on the network, and, most importantly, the possibility of showing high school football games with Texas branding all over that channel.  Of course, under the Big 12 (HONESTLY) TV agreement with Fox Sports, each school is free to start its own network, but the Aggie Network certainly would not carry as much recognition and power, or command of cash money, like that of the Longhorn Network.

Texas A&M already falls behind Texas in most pecking orders, and with the unleashing of the Longhorn Network, that distance is going to grow.  What the regents of Texas A&M should have learned by now, especially during the Big 12's bend-over-backwards efforts to keep Texas in the conference last summer, or at least realize during this meeting, is that unless Texas A&M gets away from Texas, there is no Texas A&M.  There's just the other school in Texas (No, no.  Not TCU.  The other one after that.).

Monday, July 18, 2011

Gene Chizik Should Sit the Next Couple of Plays Out

Last week, if you were paying attention, and with Women's World Cup fever sweeping the country, or about two to three percent of the population (and let's call it like it happened, they CHOKED HORRIBLY), it may have been difficult to do so, the New York Times published an article that detailed an exchange between the NCAA's vice president for enforcement and Gene Chizik at the SEC's spring meetings in Destin.  Amazingly, this incident stayed out of public light for almost two months, which seems impossible given the words used and the number of people who witnessed it (as well as coaches' natural inclination to run their mouths when they can go off the record).

To help those of you who have fallen behind catch up to this week, I submit this child-like recap of what went down.

Julie Roe Lach: "Buzzword buzzword buzzword, next slide, buzzword buzzword, SUCH NEAT FEATURES ON POWERPOINT, buzzword buzzword buzzword, Ohio State, buzzword buzzword, North Carolina, buzzword buzzword, USC, buzzword buzzword buzzword, monitor your program carefully. Any questions?"

Gene Chizik: "Yes, I've got one."

Lach: "Yes, the gentlemen from Auburn with the sharpened chin."

Chizik: "I'm tired of you investigating my program.  When will this end?  We've done nothing wrong."

Lach: "Well, Coach, as we've informed you, and you should know from all of our investigations ever, these things take time, often years. We will-"

Chizik: "I'm tired of it and don't like.  Not one bit.  I want it to stop."

/stomps foot
/extends chin

Lach: "Coach, I'm not going to get into specifics, but, as I said, we are very thorough, which takes time. You'll-"


Lach: "You’ll know when we’re finished. And we’re not finished.”

Thursday, July 14, 2011

SEC Media Days Pre-Game

One week from yesterday, coaches, a select group of players, reporters, and hundreds of Alabama fans with nothing better to do that catch a 15-second glimpse of Nick Saban walking through the lobby, will descend on the home of John Parker and Ross Wilson, Max Lerner, and Alex Binder, all of Two-A-Days fame, to discuss the upcoming season, which will still be over 40 days away.  Though always out of control, we all need SEC Media Days like Houston Nutt needs 37 signees and transfer quarterbacks.

The end of July is an especially dry time in the field of entertainment, both sporting and movies/TV (unless Cowboys and Aliens is the piece of over-the-top excellence I think it will be), so we need something to distract us from the cries of, "I know the Yankees have an offense, BUT DO THEY NEED ANOTHER ARM?  And how will the Red Sox counter that?  Also, all the other teams, we'll just refer to all of them as the Padres, might do something too."

With Media Days in mind, let us prepare our minds for those wonderfully non-informative three days by addressing the pressing questions that need to be asked and answered.

In order of appearance:

-So, Coach, Tyler Wilson, what's that gonna be like?
-How have you celebrated becoming the only SEC to ever benefit by a vacated Ohio State victory?
-Knile Davis was clearly the best player on your team by the end of the year.  How do you plan to take carries away from him with a relatively untested quarterback just because you can?
-Willie Robinson.  Did you know his last name was Robinson?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

-Use "Boom" as both an adverb and infinitive.
-Will John Brantley complete a pass longer than 10 yards this season?
-Will the first four games of the year not involve the center snapping the ball on the ground every third snap?
-Does Charlie Weis' sweat smell like pork, mozzarella sticks, or old fish?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

South Carolina
-Stephen Garcia.  Go.
-Is it possible you miss Chris Smelley?
-Blake Mitchell?
-Would you consider taking Tyrone Nix back?

/Gray is dragged out of the room and beaten by Hoover police

-Something something something paying players something something something.

Mississippi State


-Uh, Coach...


-Oh, right (kneels), so last year, you added Jeremiah Masoli late in the summer. Do you think, looking back, that hurt your team chemistry?



"The School Up North."

-I don't...I'm not sure I follow. You are from the Mississippi school, right?


/faxes resume again to Ohio State, Penn State, and Georgia

-Coach, name five players on your team so we'll know five players on your team.
-Something something something Rich Brooks something something something.
-How great is Coach Cal? I mean, wow, what a sharp guy.
-Something something something paying players something something something.

-Will you have any scholarship running backs left by the time the season starts?
-Will you help increase the fun had at Georgia tailgating parties to further distract the fans from a potential eight-win season?
-Have you considered picking up the guitar and becoming the South's version of Rick Neuheisel?
-Stephen Garcia: Friend or foe?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

-Seriously, was Cam Newton paid or not?
-Coach, if you had to, and were really, really angry, could you bench press 800 pounds? I've got $50 that says you could.
-Oh, now you're angry?
-Listen to your friend, Andy Kennedy, he's a cool dude.
-Something something something paying players something something something. Oh wait, but not the way you probably did. Or did.

-Coach, can you trust this?

/falls into 1,000-yard stare for entire allotted time

-Coach, can you trust this?

/engages in slackjaw stare
/gathers himself
/consumes first two rows with a fireball from his mouth

-Will there be talk of turkey insemination this year?
-Oh, forgot to ask, can you name five players so we'll know five players on your team?
-Will your offense be as bland, less bland, or more bland than your offense at Maryland?
-Actually, all three of those could be an improvement over the 2010 version of Vanderbilt's offense.
-Something something somet- oh nevermind.

Ole Miss
-A reminder please:  Why is Tyrone Nix still employed?
-Is Dave Rader still in coaching?
-You do realize that Ed Orgeron's worst defense was not as bad as last year's defense, right?
-Tell the truth, does Enrique Davis have pictures of you removing the brakes of hundreds of wheelchairs?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

-One, two, or three end-of-game clock butcherings this season?
-One, two, or three fall-ass-backwards-into-a-win out of those butcherings?
-So, if I understand everything correctly, Jarrett Lee is Plan B?
-Rye, Bermuda, St. Augustine, or Zoysia?
-Something something something Will Lyles (YOU'RE SO BUSTED) something something something.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Mike Leach Book Excerpt Only Intensifies My Man-Crush On Him

On Monday, West Virginia linebacker Branko Busick was arrested for an armed robbery that took place at a Morgantown apartment complex, which, while offering fewer security cameras than a gas station or liquor store, does not offer as much cash as a gas station or liquor store, all of which was brought to light when the victim of the crime told police that Busick, allegedly, began hitting him with a gun after he told Busick he had no money (should have asked for a couch to burn; those are always plentiful in Morgantown).  And today, Busick was officially kicked off the team by head coach Dana Holgorsen.

Interestingly, Busick is the son of former WWF heel, Big Bully Busick, who stomped around in the squared circle in the early '90s.

Though I was a wrestling fan, I have no recollection of him. Partly because I spent some time in the WCW world, but mostly because my brain has decided to forget things like this and remember things like the chorus to the audio atrocity that was whatever the song was that made Nickelback famous (DAMN YOU, BRAIN. REMEMBER WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER.)

However, young Branko is not the only college football player (I won't say ex-player because you know Terry Bowden already has him on a plane to North Alabama) to have a heel for a father. Yes, there is one more heel out there, but this one is not a character heel. This one is the Heel of College Football and the Heel of Life:

Craig James, father of Texas Tech's Adam James.  His tactics in and out of the ring, but mostly out of the ring, as recalled by Mike Leach in this book excerpt, would have made back-in-the-day wrestling very proud.

Monday, July 11, 2011

It's Amazing What A Little Production Value and Talent Can Do

As much as I curse those in charge of Ole Miss (and, as a result, the day I became an Ole Miss fan as a young child) for over 30 consecutive years of making sure the right backs were scratched and half-assing their way through everything else, I must acknowledge those few, so very few moments when they do something well.  From the Ole Miss Media people:

"Preparation" - Ole Miss Football Spot from UM Media Documentary Projects on Vimeo.

I realize I'm getting way too excited about a commercial to drum up ticket sales for a team that is going 4-8 this year, but, as I've said many times before in this space, I've been given so little competency from Ole Miss officials/administrators over the years, it's almost overwhelming when something like this turns out right.  The last time I remember an Ole Miss commercial not being horrible was when Morgan Freeman was providing poetic voice-over to sweeping shots of the Grove and campus in the summer and fall, which is almost impossible to screw up (and of course we did by not keeping that same line of commercials cranking out from now until the end of time).

Who knows, this, along with the in-writing changes to be made to the stadium/game day experience, could be the first step in a widespread commitment to non-half-assery.  The TV version will be cut down to :30 and :60 spots (unless the WB has slots for 1:37 commercials, which they might, given their programming), which should make it the perfect length (97 seconds?  UGH.  I HAVE THINGS TO DO.).  Hopefully, the efforts to use quality production value and people who know what they're doing will continue, but a lifetime of bitter disappointment tells me that the first question to be raised about this by those who get the bill will be, "Is there any way we can do this chea...less expensively?"

And so, I know-


Coach Mullen, wow, do you always travel with dry ice?


Friday, July 08, 2011

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players: Bobby Ingalls Edition

It's July, it's hot, and other than grown men obsessing over the next two times Derek Jeter will hit a baseball safely, not very much is going on right now.  However, to prevent your brain from entering a complete state of mush, we begin our annual offseason educational process of learning about the players who we both curse and praise during football season.  

Through this weekly, perhaps more if things get REALLY boring this summer, get-to-know-you format, it is my hope that you learn a little something about the player in this spot so that you may properly identify him as he destroys your team's chances to win a game with either a great or WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOING play, is arrested, or is simply milling around in the background of shots of the sidelines.

Selection of players and teams is done through a super-secret formula that consists of I'm in charge, will do as I please, and mind your own business.  At the very least, I will not choose a team twice until all teams have been represented.

#67 Bobby Ingalls, OL, Auburn

Some background information
Currently, the Internet has no picture to offer of Bobby Ingalls, so, in its place, I submit a screen shot of his hometown of Gardendale, Alabama (one of the many "-dales" on your way up I-65) in relation to Birmingham. According to this, Bobby comes to Auburn by way of transfer from Lambuth University, which recently decided to close (HOW POOR OF THEM), in Jackson, Tennessee.

Small aside that will violently take us off point here: I have attended a football game at Lambuth University. A good friend of mine played quarterback at a small college in Lambuth's division/conference/can't remember, so myself and a few friends drove up from Oxford on an Ole Miss off-week to watch him play.

I remember three things from this game: 1) A player broke Ron Dixon's (of New York Giants' kind-of-fame and Lambuth Hall of Fame) record for longest kickoff return. 2) My friend, as he was about halfway through his throwing motion, being crushed by a Lambuth player, which resulted in an interception during a late comeback attempt. 3) The kicker on my friend's team yelling at the holder after he missed an extra point, which was one of the funniest things I've ever seen at a football game. My friend later told us that the head coach tried to unhinge his jaw and eat the kicker for such a display.

Greatest on-field accomplishment
There were only three posts on that Lambuth message board, so this is gonna stay somewhat blank.

At 6'7" and 331 pounds, Bobby makes a for a massive figure.  Whether he has any type of quickness or not, I do not know, but, that type of frame adds a few milliseconds to the time a defensive end needs to run around him.

Lambuth University straight out of high school, which has me nearly convinced those feet don't move like they need to move.  Also, lack of a picture.

Based on 10 seconds of me looking at his picture, what is his favorite song, movie, TV show, or piece of literature

I'm sure they're related.

Where to look for him in 2011
According to this and this, he'll be getting some backup work at both the tackle spots, but primarily, he's in the mix for the backup left tackle spot. So, barring injuries, look for him standing around the offensive lineman's huddle on the sidelines.

Coach Chizik, any final thoughts?

"I think my chin may be losing some of its sharpness. Trooper, go get my grinder."

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Dan Mullen Would Like to Beat You Senseless With a Cowbell

However, he's willing to forgo that beating if you just buy tickets.  But, Gray, season tickets are sold out.  What now?  Well, I suggest you get ready to take your beating.  It appears the only last effects from such a beating are concussion, memory loss, mental and emotional distress and anguish, depression, paranoia, anxiety, loss of enjoyment of life and inability to pursue prior educational and professional goals.

The good news is that at least you won't remember most of it.

Wait, hold on.  What's that?  I should continue reading the article about season tickets being sold out?  Ah, I see.  Yes, there it is.  Three-game packages still remain, and go on sale July 18th.  So, you know, get in line, unless you want stone-faced Dan Mullen beating down your door, followed by you.

Vidya source

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

AJ McCarron Moves All In On Tyler Bray

Last week, we took a look at the battle of the back tats between likely starting quarterbacks AJ McCarron of Alabama and Tyler Bray of Tennessee (barring a face tat from either one of them).  McCarron's "The Crest" soundly defeated Bray's "Jazz Stars" by a score of 5-1.  However, now things have changed.  What was once assumed to be a medium-sized back tat on McCarron is, in fact, the rarely seen, even on the sugar sand beaches of the Redneck Riviera, STERNUM-ONLY TATTOO.
McCarron didn't wait for Bray to see any cards. He stood up, shoved his pile of chips in, and splashed the hell out of the pot. Unless Bray has a pair of pocket aces in the form of a Neyland Stadium neon scoreboard flashing the "Jazz Stars" looking over him in full uniform throwing a touchdown pass in the direction of his armpit (all fingers are crossed), McCarron squashed any chance Bray has to get back in this battle.

The only change to this battle that needs to be made is that McCarron's tattoo will no longer be called "The Crest." Its new name is "The Shield" or whatever the Latin phrase for "Between the Nipples" is (my best guess is "Inter Papilla," which is also McCarron's new nickname). And the score is now one million to nothing in favor of AJ McCarron.

/dreams of Stephen Garcia finding his way into a tattoo parlor
/envisions McConaughey's face being tattooed on Garcia's face
/wipes away a single tear

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Such a Silly Question, ESPN

From the NCAA's Things That Will Always Be The Same From Now Until The End Of Time manual:

"Clemson (or Clemson University) shall not win fewer than six games and no more than nine games during a football season, no matter how prolific its offense or defense, nor the amount of preseason hype it receives every year.

To ensure such a law perseveres, a Tommy Bowden or a Dabo Swinney shall always remain in the position of head football coach."

Friday, July 01, 2011

Happy Fourth of July

There's no better way to celebrate America than turning things over to Lee Greenwood at the Grand Ole Opry, while wearing an American flag black leather jacket he stole from Gene Chizik's closet.


Need something a little more emotional?  Try some classic Greenwood.

/runs through brick wall
/waves imaginary 15-foot American flag
/gets bald eagle tattoo across entire back

And finally, RAW AMERICAN MILITARY AWESOMENESS, shown through a computer simulation, set to Lee Greenwood.

I'm exhausted.  Take us home, Whitney.

Enjoy the long weekend, and remember, those stories about Roman candles blowing up in people's hands are all LIES.