Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Our Strength Coach Knows So Much More Than Your Strength Coach

Every August, as the excitement for the start of football season really starts to build, beat writers of all mediums push their internal mid-sized Japanese sedan engines up to 6,000 RPMs to meet the demand of the football-inhaling public.  The readers of newspapers and websites need to be fed, and if that means learning exactly what time each offensive starter showed up when reporting to fall camp, then dammit, they shall have that completely worthless information ("A REAL LEADER WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FIRST, SENIOR CAPTAIN DEFENSIVE LINEMAN!" -message board hero).

One of my favorite articles that gets written about this time of year is the "Team X's strength coach is putting the players through a meat grinder" story.  Tales of training methods involving more sprints, flipping tractor tires, and obstacle courses complete with mud, barbed wire, and live artillery fire.  I don't like these articles for their content, but I do like them for the enthusiasm and willingness by Team X's fans to declare their strength coach to be the greatest in all the land and how much faster and stronger their team will be this season.

I don't blame the writers for pumping out these stories because the beast needs to eat, and not healthily with in-depth pieces, but more like at a trough at Golden Corral with pieces on how the receivers looked during stretches.  So to help save time for these writers, I've created a convenient, easy to use, and, most importantly, green-friendly Mad Libs for writing articles about things like pre-practice stretching and strength coach training methods.

/burns drum of diesel fuel to offset positive carbon footprint

(choose one)

More Pain, More Gain for (Team name)
Sprint, Lift, Repeat
A Summer With Coach (Strength Coach's last name)
(Team name) Plans on Beating the Heat and Not Themselves
A Whole New Attitude

Body copy
(College town byline)
As the (adjective) late-afternoon sun (verb) down on the (Team name), the only noise to be heard, other than the gasps and groans of the (insert number of players) (Team name) who were a part of (Day of the week)'s summer workout session, was the (adjective) bark of (Strength Coach)'s voice.

"Winners in the fall are made right here, men!  Nothing comes easy!  Nothing that's worth anything anyway," Coach (Strength Coach's last name) shouted to his players. 

Fall practice is just a week a away, but the (Team name) haven't been taking it easy this summer.  For almost two months now, they've been taking part in (Strength Coach's last name)'s (insert year) version of voluntary workout boot camp.  Five days a week, you can find members of the (Team name) (absurd physical activity ending in -ing), (absurd physical activity ending in -ing), and (absurd physical activity ending in -ing) at 6 AM or 6 PM.

"We like to give them options," (Strength Coach's last name) said.  "But most seem to prefer the late afternoon.  Now, they don't have to be here, but they sure as (expletive) know they're (cliche' for not keeping up) if they aren't here.  Plus, who wouldn't want to spend time with me?"

Veterans know the importance of summer workouts, but even they say this summer's workouts have been the (adjective) since they've been on campus.

"Man, I thought last summer was (word that reminds you of pain), but it wasn't nothing compared to this," (Redshirt junior linebacker) said.  "Coach (Strength coach's last name) has got us doing some crazy things like (additional absurd physical activity ending in -ing) and (yet another absurd physical activity ending in -ing).  But if it means we win more this season, it's (cliche' for "worth it").

Even senior captain (Starting running back) finds himself (go ahead, just put struggling here) through the workouts.

"Coach (Strength Coach's last name) said at the beginning of the summer he was gonna make everything (number) times as hard, and he wasn't lying," (Starting running back) said.  "The guys are (ugh, working hard, fine) and (cliche'), but we're ready to put the pads on so we can show off our new muscles and speed."

"I know they're (word for 10,000% ready) to get away from me, but I know they're all gonna be happy with what they (verb signaling accomplishment) this summer," said (Strength Coach's last name).  "Giving some of them the eye test, I can tell they're (something about much more physical imposing and better athletes) than when we started."

Just how big these physical and mental changes are won't be (past tense verb) until next week when practice starts.  (Team name)'s (Head Coach) can't wait to find out.

"I know how (Strength Coach) works, how much pride he takes in getting the guys ready for the season," (Head Coach) said.  "I wouldn't want to go through what he's put them through this summer, but I've heard (phrase for outstanding reports) about the progress, attendance, and attitudes.  I'm expecting everyone to be bigger, faster, and stronger, and that's what it takes to win in the (Conference).  No days off in this league."


  1. HILARIOUS....I just spit ice cream snicker bar on myself Gray......dang it!!!

    When you comin to J-town fool...ill be in Southaven this upcoming weekend but I better see you (the implication being I can do anything bout it if you avoid me)

  2. Steve on the Bayou9:36 AM

    You pwned this tiny, obscure corner of "it's almost football" season--great work