Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ryan Mallett: Masculine, Beautiful and Vulnerable

In 2010, SEC quarterback modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and four syllables: Ry-an Mall-ett. And on Wednesday, he took time out from being just really, really, ridiculously good looking to be really, really, ridiculously good looking while taking part in a photo shoot to show off his modeling versatility and Arkansas' new football uniforms.

La Tigre


Blue Steel

The photographer dropped his camera just as the next look happened...

Dear God, it's beautiful!

This picture and the black facemasks were two of Billy Zane's ideas. He's a cool dude.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players

It's Wednesday (actually, it's not even Wednesday, but since I haven't posted a damn thing in a week I say today is Wednesday for the purposes of this post), which means it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.

The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.

Today's number:  30
Today's team: Auburn

Some background information: That's right, not only does Auburn have two players wearing number 30, but both never play or have played period.  In fact, let's drink in the all the zeros:

To be fair, I did find this blurb about Dorian Rhodes:  "Rhodes had 60 tackles, one forced fumble and one pass breakup during his junior season (2007).  Coach says of Rhodes "Quick, nose for the ball, good tackler."

Good to know, the man they simply call Coach.

Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not and probably will not occur.

Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Enrolling in college.

Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: An eleven-second Google search yielded nothing. Let's assume they're on the side of straight and narrow.

Strengths: Attending practice.

Weaknesses: Division I athletic talent. According to an Auburn blog I found, I found nothing good on either player. Both were listed in the dreaded "others" section (behind projected starters and reserves) and were not mentioned in potentially having any impact on next season (I would give you the link, but I accidentally closed the window and recovering it, while super easy in Firefox, takes too much effort).

What to expect in 2010: More importantly, what am I going to do without Lost? The show, while incredibly frustrating at times, gave me six seasons of quality entertainment and something to do one night a week for months at a time. And in this day of crappy television dominating just about every channel and time slot, that's as good of a run as you can ask for.

Hell, I even loved the ending. I already miss the show so damn much. I miss its laugh. Its musk. Maybe when the box set comes out we'll get an apartment together. Until that day arrives, I'll have to hope and pray that Fox comes out with a show this summer that involves animals attacking, the police (not the band, although that would be interesting), competitive eating and celebrities and their model train collections. And I'd need that hosted by former Supermarket Sweep host David Ruprecht, a consummate professional.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.

The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.

Today's number: 55
Today's team: Georgia

#55 Josh Parrish, OL, Georgia

Some background information: Yet another walk-on selected in this series, but unlike previously selected below-average collegiate athletes, this one is somewhat interesting. As you can see from the picture above, Josh, just 19 years of age, has already spent some time in the clink. While he has yet to contribute to the Georgia football team, he has contributed to the Athens-Clarke County Police Department's "More Drunk People in Jail" tally, which should get them some extra government money and a framed certificate if they keep up the pace.

Some other items of note: He's a redshirt sophomore, member of the scout team and a business major, as all good walk-ons should be.

Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not occurred.

Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: In the 2009 summer session, Josh made the Athletic Director's honor roll and the dean's list (and you thought I was going to say more about his arrest...well, I am, but not now). My only problem with this is that clearly Josh put way too much time into his studies and not being as lazy as humanly possible in the summer. Summer school is not a time to excel academically, it's a time to not get a summer job, lay around the pool, play golf and briefly consider how awful life is going to be when you can no longer do these things (I HATE EVERYONE IN COLLEGE RIGHT NOW) before taking a nap for that evening's activities. Georgia may congratulate you, Josh, but I say time and energy wasted.

Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: Here comes more on the arrest. A young woman, who should have been minding her own business, called police at 1:19 AM on April 11th when she found young Joshua passed out on the second level of the East Village parking deck. Yes, the second level of a parking deck. An excellent choice for a place to pass out. While there was the potential of getting backed over or just run over by a car, he protected himself from the elements.

When the police arrived, Josh was unresponsive and reeked of Mad Dog 20/20 or Steel Reserve (I'm guessing on the booze). Police then looked through his wallet to identify him and found that he had two licenses, one from Georgia and one from Florida. No big deal except that he's not from Florida and it was fake. So Josh earned himself a trip to the hospital, where they tried to make him less drunk, then on to the Clarke County Jail where he was booked for possessing a fake ID and underage possession of alcohol.

I'm a little disappointed there wasn't vomit, cursing and tasers involved, but a parking garage is still a solid backdrop.

Strengths: Resourcefulness.

Weaknesses: Division I athletic talent, tolerance, decision-making, indefinite suspension from the Georgia football team and bad friends who didn't bother to keep up with him or at least drag him inside the building or a car.

What to expect in 2010: Not very much. Most likely, Josh won't be around to see the start of the 2010, even from the scout team. But just maybe if he sticks it out, works hard, does everything asked of him, the coach replacing Mark Richt in 2011 will give him a shot at more scout team glory.

(NOTE:  This is a very important, not-so-urgent or web-surfing-routine-changing administrative note, but yours truly will be out of commission the next two days traveling to an undisclosed location where undisclosed events will occur.  So in essence, almost nothing will be missing here since the odds of me posting twice in those two days would have been less than zero percent.  So, again, in essence, I have done nothing more here than waste twenty seconds of your time as you read this.  For that, I am not sorry.)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Life Laughs in Our Collective Face, Karate Chops Us in the Collective Junk

At some point during our time on this planet, we discover that life is not fair. For most of us, it came at a young age when our parents grew tired of answering the question "Why?" and respond with "because life's not fair." As an innocent child, a little piece of you dies that day. It's the first time you've heard your parents give a cold, brutally final answer and once you figure out what it means, you begin to realize that things will not always go the way justice and order should have them go, which never ceases to suck.

And as you get older and experience a seemingly unlimited number of smoke breaks by justice and order, you begin to grow numb to their absence. You shrug, rub ashes in your hair and wail. Then you get on with your day. But, every now and then, certain events take place and the absurd injustice of them drives you to the brink of leaving society as a contributing member to live off the land while wearing a burlap sack you stole from a hobo and raccoon pelts for shoes. And your best friend would be a dirty Houston Astros 1986 Western Division Championship t-shirt you found on a bench in a public park. You would call him Augustus.

Those actions are easily caused by events like these:

Kenny Chesney making $65 million in a calendar year.
This is also a great indicator in just how many stupid people there really are in this world. I want to take his collection of seashell necklaces/chokers and strangle everyone who has ever given a dollar to that short, bald man. And yes, I did get some satisfaction when I read that the bottom floor of his house in Nashville flooded two weeks ago.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding down the street.


People like Ron Morris having paying jobs that allow them to write shitpiles of words.
He actually got paid to write this. Nice job there, Ron. By the way, the state of South Carolina isn't exactly (and never has been) a coolant to racism and racist behavior. Also, burn in a fire.

There are people breathing in this country that made Sex and the City 2 and who will also pay to see this movie.
Upon these people I wish the same number of roundhouse kicks to the throat as there are minutes in this movie. No, wait. Seconds.

NBC, a network in the loosest interpretations of the word (and home to horse races, bad Notre Dame football and a basement full of shows no one watches), deciding to relegate Parks and Recreation, its best and funniest show, to a midseason appearance next TV season.
This means that it won't make an appearance until January, whereas shows like The Office and 30 Rock will start in September/October. It's all part of a grand plan to get some crappy show good ratings and piss off the few people who still watch NBC on Thursday nights. In good news, Jay Leno still plans on not being funny.

That jackass pulling out in front of you and making it through the light while you don't.
This is why I want to drive a tank. If I didn't crush him when he pulled out in front of me, I would send a shell straight through his trunk and into his engine block, which would hopefully result in a fiery explosion and a lesson learned. I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON ON THE ROAD.

The KFC Doulbe Down having something like 1 million grams of fat.
It's so delicious but you can only eat like one a year or face certain death.

And finally, and most enraging, the University of Southern California paying Lane Kiffin FOUR MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR TO COACH FOOTBALL.
After reading this, I blacked out from rage and hit my head on the table. When I awoke, I bought a used tank, drove it into a KFC, destroying the building, and promptly ate as many Double Downs as I could before the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse showed up. And I regret nothing.

Monday, May 17, 2010

It Was the Most Boring Weekend EVER

It was a weekend so boring that I decided to scrap the usual "What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend" recap as not to sully its good name. So in order to fill the void in this speck of the Internet, as well as provide you with a solid four minutes of reading and not working time, I'm going to throw it all the way over to Birmingham, Alabama and the Texas Pete Sports Desk with Dave Neal (I've decided that Texas Pete should sponsor everything in this space. I've never tried it, but if it was good enough for the low-budget, not-so-giant Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial/Raycom sports potpourri, it's good enough for the low-budget, highly unorganized Belly of the Beast.).

ANNCR: Live, from an abandoned upholstery store in a strip mall in Homewood, it's the Texas Pete Sports Desk with Dave Neal!

(synthesized guitar riff wails for 20 seconds too long)


Dave Neal: Hello fans, this is the Texas Pete Sports Desk and I'm your host, Dave Neal. We've got a lot to cover (ed: not true) so we're going to jump right in to the news of the weekend. Don't know if you heard about this, but a full slate of SEC baseball games took place this weekend and, as always in the Southeastern Conference, the action was intense and down to the wire. So let's take a look at some highlights of the weekend's action. First, let's to to Tuscaloo....wait, I'm being told we have no highlights. From there or just anywhere? Okay, no highlights anywhere. What about scores? Any graphics? Nothing? Oh. Well folks, it appears we blew our budget on that intro guitar riff that I know you loved so much. Just know that some baseball games were played, some teams won, while others lost.

Outside the Southeastern Conference, there were plenty of exciting stories out there (ed: again, not true). The one we all talked about around here was the LeBron James to Chicago rumor that involves Kentucky coach John Calipari. If you haven't heard, sources across the NBA have mentioned that LeBron will leave Cleveland this summer and sign with the Chicago Bulls and Calipari will be named the Bulls' coach for next season. Talk about wild, these are two of the most powerful men in their professions. Teaming them up? Chicago fans could be in for a real treat. To get some perspective on this, let's bring in my old partner and a passionate fan of sports, Mr. Dave Rowe. Partner, great to see you and you look great.

Dave Rowe: Haha! And partner, I gotta tell you, I feel great. Great to be back in sports.

Dave Neal: So partner, what's your take on the whole LeBron situation? And is this Chicago rumor legitimate? I mean, can you imagine the fun they'd be having in Chicago if Coach Cal and LeBron are lighting up the scoreboard there? Michael who?

Dave Rowe: Haha! Boy, you better believe that would be something to watch! Those two guys know how to win. And Dave, the best way to get a handle on this whole situation is to put yourself in both of their shoes. If you're LeBron, you want to win games. If you're Coach Cal, you want to win games. And if you've got two guys who want to win games, it's going to be a successful combination. That's a lot of wanting to win and skill in one place for good things not to happen. I think you're going to see a lot of winning and great basketball in Chicago next year.

Dave Neal: As always, good stuff from our own Dave Rowe. Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Dave Rowe: (Stares blankly into the camera for 10 seconds, sort of like the picture above, not realizing that's his cue to sign off.)

Dave Neal: Well fans, we've got another interesting story coming to you out of Europe where they play football, but it's with their feet. But I gotta tell you, that doesn't take away from the competition. If you haven't heard, German team captain Michael Ballack tore some ligaments in his right ankle and will miss the World Cup. This is some tough news to take if you're a German fan and if you're a fan of competition. For the latest news, let's go now to our Buzz Baker who is on the ground in Frankfurt...correction, that's Frankfort in Kentucky not Germany.

Buzz, what brings you to the Kentucky state capital? And how is Michael Ballack?

Buzz Baker: Hey Dave, had some administrative issues to sort out here, plus I like to drop in from time to time and see our government at work. You ever take in a session at the capital building?

Dave Neal: Can't say that I have, Buzz.

Buzz Baker: Really interesting stuff going on here. I just saw a heated debate on water table maintenance in Clark County.  Really enjoyed that. But anyway, enough of my love for state government.   Let's get to the Michael Ballack story. He tore some ligaments in his ankle and will miss the World Cup in South Africa. Tough loss for Germany. Back to you, Dave.

Dave Neal: Thanks so much, Buzz. As usual, good stuff from Buzz Baker. Well folks, we've only got about two minutes left on our pirated electricity, so now is as good of a time as any to sign off. I hope you enjoy your week and we'll see you here next time at the Texas Pete Sports Desk. For Dave Rowe and Buzz Baker, I'm Dave Neal. So long.

(10 seconds of synthesized guitar riff before lights go off)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Following Takes Place Between 10:47 PM and 11:07 PM

Previously on Kentrell Lockett (OleForty), we were treated to a barrage of tweets concerning the NFL draft. After someone within the Ole Miss athletic administration got wind of that night's majesty, Kentrell was forced to go dark for a week or so. Now, following an apology, he's back and looking to dominate the Twitter landscape. Tonight, for 20 glorious minutes, we got a taste of what he's fully capable of doing.

Much like the first few seasons of 24, it can't get much better and more addicting than that.  Two thoughts to add here:  One, I too find coffee disgusting.  If you have to pour sugar, milk, more sugar and bacon grease into a cup of something, that means it tastes like crap and you just want an excuse to drink hot fat.  I'm not judging your innovation because if I could find a way to guzzle hot bacon grease without incinerating my throat and digestive tract, I would do it.  But coffee still sucks.  And two, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THOSE AGENTS.  THEY ARE STEPCHILD OF SATAN AND WILL CAUSE HORRIBLE, BIBLICAL-LIKE PLAGUES TO BEGIN HAPPENING  TO YOU AND THOSE AROUND YOU.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players

In a never-ending quest to seek as much information as my brain can store, it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.

The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.

Today's number: 20
Today's team: South Carolina

#20 Jay Spearman, CB, South Carolina

And how about one with helmet on:

Some background information: Jay is a redshirt sophomore hailing from the once-visited-by-Gray city of Greenville, South Carolina (and I can't even remember why I was there, but know that it happened). He spent 2008 wearing a redshirt (literally, at all times he wore one) and in 2009 saw limited action on special teams in large part due to shoulder surgery, which caused him to miss all of fall practice. The smaller part may have been that he just wasn't good enough. Who knows.

Greatest on-field accomplishment: Outside of winning a state championship in high school, he has yet to experience any accomplishments on a collegiate football field. Of course, just making it to Division I is something we can all celebrate (Cue NBC's shooting star and "The More You Know" music).

Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: This is a close one. First, he, or someone at his high school, created nearly 18 minutes worth of video of him being faster and more athletic than everyone else, complete with non-cheesy soundtrack (prepare for disappointment, Petra and Three Doors Down fans).

Second, some South Carolina message board warriors devote an entire six pages to discussing the signing of Spearman way back in 2007. Topics discussed include his work ethic, speed, what position he will play and a confirmation among themselves that Jay is indeed a fine young man.

And finally, Jay received his very own 90 second segment on a local news station's sports portion of the nightly news. Personally, this is my choice for this category.

Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: He has and continues for forge ahead on the straight and narrow.

Strengths: Speed, athleticism and according to his profile on the South Carolina website, "tests well in the weight room." So there.

Weaknesses: As this spring practice report states, Spearman gets the dreaded "oft-injured" label slapped on him. Not sure if that's fair since he's been hurt once since he's been in Columbia, but I'm not going to question those who know 5,000% more about South Carolina football than I do.  And let's throw in lack of experience.

What to expect in 2010: The same spring practice report mentions that Jay is probably in line for a back-up position at one of the cornerback spots, but will get some consideration for the starting job. What this means for you, the TV viewer, is that you'll see number 20 on the field some and when he's not, he'll be standing next to the defensive coach on the sideline responsible for getting players in and out of the game. Also, he could be in one of those shots of a South Carolina defensive player celebrating on the sideline after a touchdown. You know, the kind where everyone is out of breath but keeps yelling things at the camera and you can't really tell what anyone is saying, then after six or seven seconds of noise confusion the director of the broadcast finally orders the cutaway. If I had to bet, I believe Jay will yell something about Greenville.

Monday, May 10, 2010

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Lots of bold, fresh and exciting events took place at an alarmingly fast pace.
When you see the sparse and terribly uninteresting collection of stories below, you will be reminded of one of the most boring weekends in recent memory.  This weekend was a major black mark for the month of May in the Texas Pete Hot Sauce Most Exciting Month Power Rankings, which I believe has never been shown here before.  And although Texas Pete Hot Sauce is unaware of their sponsorship of this ridiculously long-named and generally stupid rankings, I felt like they could use some publicity since the SEC put them on the same bus with Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial.  I know they are thrilled.

Texas Pete Hot Sauce Most Exciting Month Power Rankings

1. September
2. October
3. November
4. December
5. January
6. March
7. April
8. August
9. June
10. May
11. February
12. July

A tough call for dead last, while July has nothing but baseball going on, it's at least warm (although usually horribly warm) and the Fourth of July, which can be a good time if properly planned. February has college basketball, signing day for college football and the Super Bowl, but it's also freezing and post-football depression explodes in full force. But given all the nonsense that happened in our last February, the shortest month of the year gets the nod for 11th place.

Bobby Petrino sells house in Fayetteville; agrees to a six-year deal with the Mogadishu Talons of the Gulf of Aden Mercenary League.
Now that could never happen. Petrino has no use for tourists or crates of sheet metal bound for Poland. And that's what he'd get because there's no way those pirates are giving up any of their ransom collections. He operates on dollar bills. Although I'm probably underestimating the black market value of a pair of deckhands from the Ukraine.

He did however put his house of the market in Fayetteville, which was immediately followed by wild speculation (the kind best created by the Internet) that he might be on his way out at Arkansas. In truth (BORING), he and Mrs. Petrino already own another house in Atlanta and were looking to downsize. So if you own a home in the 3,000 to 4,000 square foot range in the Fayetteville area, you may need to get your kids' toys "OFF MY DAMN LAWN!!!"

Jacksonville content to wallow in the stink of the ACC Championship game.
The city famous for hosting a conference championship game that looked like this

is interested in hosting a neutral-site game with Alabama and a sacrificial lamb. They join Dallas and Atlanta as cities that would like to bring in 76 billion dollars in local revenue when the Alabama masses spend 72 hours consuming everything in their paths. A big payoff in exchange for massive traffic jams, 3 hour waits at restaurants (and not just at Chili's) and thousands of cases of loitering.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Friday Links of Laziness

To the smattering of hardcore readers, my apologies for the lack of posting this week.  To everyone else stumbling upon this place, you've missed nothing (except the riveting profile piece on Florida walk-on Phillip Bellino, which you can find below this post).  Luckily this has been a pretty slow week, and in keeping with the spirit of such a slothful week I present you with nothing more than a handful of links that you may find vaguely interesting to somewhat interesting.  Hopefully the former.

-Mississippi State is set to remove the "senior associate" portion of Scott Stricklin's title and just make him the full-time athletic director.  I have no idea if this is a good hire or not, but as one who follows Ole Miss, I have been conditioned to immediately question the hiring within process, usually because it involves the promotion of someone from a job for which they are not qualified to a job in which they are tremendously not qualified to perform.  Also, and probably most importantly, Stricklin and I went to the same high school.  Granted, he graduated 11 years before me, but if we ever meet we'll have something to talk about.

-JaMarcus Russell was finally told his services (or lack of) were no longer needed in Oakland, as the Raiders released him yesterday.  If you were in Oakland yesterday, you already know that driving while he was on the road was hell on the commute home.

-Of all the things written about the horrible murder of Yeardley Love, the female lacrosse player at Virginia, this one is by far the one most worthy of your time.

-Let's check in with NFL draft star, Kentrell Lockett:


-Pam Ward has been selected to receive some award from sports information directors.  Clearly these SIDs have never watched a single game in which she had the responsibility of describing the action on the field.  And apparently they overlooked a little piece of Pam Ward history from the 2009 season, which best describes her as a cold hearted, better-than-all-of-us bitch.

-And finally, Lawrence Taylor.  YIKES.  Add another layer to the not-so-fun legend.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players

In a never-ending quest to seek as much information as my brain can store, it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.

The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting and using whatever number they give me.

Today's number: 86
Today's Team: Florida

#86 Phillip Bellino, RB, Florida

(Note: Eric Strack, a kicker, also wears number 86 but I didn't feel like profiling another kicker. My apologies to all of his fans.)

A brief search of the Internet yielded no photographic evidence that Phillip exists. So in place of that picture, here's one that came up during my search.

Ignoring the design failure, the general awkwardness and confusion of the poster, I too always assumed Urban Meyer's favorite place to read corny self-help/motivational books was walking around Florida Field with the sun blazing in his face and the humidity making it more of a challenge to turn the pages. Who doesn't enjoy a good stand while reading and sweating?

Some background information: A freshman, Phillip hails from Boca Raton, Florida where he played high school football at Pope John Paul II High School. While not a scholarship player (our second one in this series), he can loosely be considered a member of the 2010 Florida recruiting class, which, by all accounts from recruiting junkies, is the single greatest class to ever be assembled by a college coach. Although here's what I find confusing about Phillip. He went to Santa Fe Community College (there's one in Gainesville and Santa Fe; I assume he went to the one closer to home) out of high school and yet he's considered a true freshman. How is that possible? Is it just a typo on Florida's website? Or did Urban Meyer find a walk-on loophole while "resting?" Or did Phillip simply arrive on campus at Santa Fe CC and say, "Yikes, bad idea" and immediately drive over to the registrar's office at Florida? File this under "Things I'd Like to Know, But Will Spend No Time Finding an Answer Because I Hope Someone Will Just Tell Me."

Greatest on-field accomplishment: Achieving walk-on status, although I'm not sure just how difficult that really is.

Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Making the move from CC status to SEC status.

Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: Under the iron fist of discipline wielded by Urban Meyer, I'm sure it's only a matter of time until Phillip gives Gainesville police a chance to earn their money.

Strengths: Hopefully, this will be the ability to survive getting the holy crap kicked out of him by Florida's starting defense for four months.

Weaknesses: Everything that keeps him planted in the walk-on category. Size, speed, all of the above.

What to expect in 2010: If you want to see Phillip, remember to check the background of all camera shots of the sideline in Florida games. Odds are he'll be wearing the number 86 jersey and a pair of jeans/cargoshorts/regularshorts/whateverelsetheywearatFlorida. And he might also have a towel around his neck and/or a backwards hat. Also, if you're watching their homecoming game, there's a chance he could be in full pads.

Monday, May 03, 2010

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Lane Kiffin and Ed Orgeron recant, claiming all previous behavior was "silly" and "ostentatious."
Perhaps they would have if by doing so they could have landed a defensive lineman from Beaumont with alligator quickness and a streak of nasty that only a former defensive lineman from Lafourche Parish could understand. However, the not-so-dynamic duo was up at 3 AM PDT swilling Red Bull and eating donuts (local convenience store was out of pork rinds) while preparing to be the first coaches junior recruits would hear from during the NCAA's spring recruiting evaluation period. While you have to admire someone for that type of dedication and aggressiveness, you do not have to admire the idea of waking a teenager up at 6 AM. Do you remember your mornings in high school? You maximized your sleeping to the point that you could successfully shower, dress and eat breakfast in eight and a half minutes before flying into the school parking lot on two wheels 30 seconds before first period. I even cut out the breakfast part just to cram in a few extra minutes of not being conscious. So if someone called me at 6 AM to tell me anything other than school was canceled for that day, they would find their names in giant block letters on my imaginary shit list. You never disturb a teenager's sleep, especially not to tell them that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN!!! WE COMPETIN' AND GONNA KEEP COMPETIN'!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO MAKE IT TO LOS ANGELES!!! GONNA WIN US SOME CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!

Also, the article mentions players referring to the Lane Kiffin era at USC as "businesslike, more serious." I believe businesslike is probably the appropriate word when describing a Lane Kiffin program, especially when that program is like Clown College.

T-Bob Hebert leaves his Lafourche Parish roots in Lafourche Parish.
The son of Bobby Hebert of Saints fame and subsequent Saints-killing frame was arrested over the weekend for driving drunk while leaving a campus event early Saturday morning. Les Miles was not in Baton Rouge over the weekend and will likely hand out some sort of punishment this week. I tried to find the video of the elder Hebert giving the one-fingered salute to no one in particular at a Saints game and claim that was his reaction to this news, but alas, the Internet has destroyed it...

Gene Chizik will be allowed to use an even longer and more rednecky limo for recruiting purposes.
Last year we had the "Houston Nutt Rule," which forbade SEC schools from signing entire counties of football players, now this year we now have the Gene Chizik Rule. Although not an SEC rule, this one was created by the NCAA, the Chizik rule prevents schools from sending more than two coaches to a recruit's school on the same day. Luckily for Auburn, the NCAA did not classify Trooper Taylor's towel as an assistant (but surprisingly the state of Alabama did recognize the towel as a dependent on Taylor's income tax return). I find it a little curious the NCAA did not call towel a member of Gene Chizik's staff. Behold, evidence of coaching:

Here the towel is assisting Taylor in encouraging and demanding more emotion out of Auburn players. This is an area in which the towel really excels.

Even the towel gets frustrated with failure and leaves Taylor on his own. But he never stops scheming while resting comfortably in the front of Taylor's pants.

The towel has a long track record of coaching in the SEC. From its Tennessee days, it celebrates a successful play by giving Taylor a few extra inches on the vertical leap.

Gray's soul remains mostly intact.
The world truly is a dark place. The unrelenting march of time claims another victim. That's right, the last remaining Tecmo Bowl player has retired. Jeff Feagles, who never could live up to his 85-yard punts in the video game, called it a career on Friday. As one who played roughly 43,294 seasons of the Tecmo Super Bowl edition, I never thought this day would come. SURELY STEVE DEBERG HAS A LITTLE MORE MAGIC IN HIS ARM. GET IN THE GYM, STEVE.  I NEED THIS.  I have never felt so old in my life.