Let it never be said that I have never given back, for even if I do it just once, it can never be said because I will have done it. Anyway, the first weekend of college football is nearly upon us, and since it's the first week, most teams in the SEC will be playing teams that rarely to never visit SEC stadiums. To assist the fans of these schools who wisely chose to spend a weekend at an SEC venue and not sitting at home, I offer a few pointers on wherever you may be.
General Advice for Those Not From the South
-To prepare yourself for the brutality of humidity, I suggest soaking a shirt in warm water, then put it on. This will simulate the end of hour number one of being outside. To simulate whatever faint breeze might kick up, have a friend get directly in your face and repeatedly breathe on you. After 10 seconds, do not punch your friend in the face because you will not be able to punch the wind in the face either.
-Do not be alarmed if your urine remains a dark yellow color until Monday afternoon. That is simply your body's way of telling you "NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN." Give it nine gallons of water to make up for what you lost in the stadium and you'll be back on good terms.
-Air conditioners in hotel rooms and rental cars are capable of creating temperatures lower than 75 degrees. Use them liberally. I suggest knocking it down to the lowest setting, then mashing the button a few more times in hopes that it might get even colder. It usually never works, but it does let the air conditioner know you mean business.
Utah State fans (at Auburn)
-Assuming you fly into Birmingham, 280 is not a government experiment to find out how many traffic lights can be placed on a major strip of highway before average citizens step up from road rage to road everyone-must-die
-Assuming you fly into Atlanta, I-85's speed limit is not 117 mph, but recommended if you'd like to stay on the road
-Those Toomer's Corner trees you've heard so much about do not talk, dance, or put on a three-act play. They are like all the other trees you've ever seen, except older and less scraggly than those of Utah.
Kent State fans (at Alabama)
-Do not be fooled (and you will be tested), Bear Bryant really is dead
-Yes, we all know Antonio Gates played at your school
BYU fans (at Ole Miss)
-If you find yourself in a town called Starkville, you have made the same mistake as 99% of national media types and incorrectly identified the Mississippi school you meant to identify. Do not worry, this happens all the time. Turn around and go about an hour and a half-ish to the northwest to arrive at your correct destination.
-And you thought your state and county alcohol laws sucked
-Stay, eat, and drink freely in the Grove, in fact, just bypass the stadium completely. This gives our fans a chance to be louder than the opposing fans.
-For inspiration, when I lived in Oxford, we had a couple of Mormon missionaries come to the door one horrifically hot summer day. They appeared to be on the verge of melting, so we invited them in for some AC and ice water (note: They also watched TV, which I'm not sure if it violates any rules on their mission). After about 15 minutes or so, they felt recharged enough to go back out and knock on more doors. So, drawing from their tale of survival, assuming they didn't die a few houses down, you too can make it through Saturday....
...Son of a bitch, you lucky bastards are going to get away with it only being in the upper 80s this weekend, with some cloud cover. AND SO IT GOES WITH OLE MISS.
Montana fans (at Tennessee)
-If you ever had a soft spot for the song "Rocky Top" in your heart, that spot will become calcified by the second quarter
Missouri State fans (at Arkansas)
-Houston Nutt is not employed by Arkansas, nor has he been since 2007
-No, those receivers are not on loan from the Cowboys; they're WAY better than them
Florida Atlantic fans (at Florida)
-I believe everyone here knows each other
East Carolina fans (at South Carolina)
-I know, the parking lots, right?
Elon fans (at Vandy)
*Game will not actually take place except on NCAA '12 for XBox 360