Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Band Fight

With no end in sight to the writer's strike, networks will soon be turning to "reality" television shows to replace the barrage of reruns they've been trotting out since early November. And it's about stinking time because I, for one, am tired of having nothing to watch other than repeats I've seen at least twice. It's like watching Vinny Testaverde and Kurt Warner take the field each Sunday. There might be a few highlights worth watching, but it's going to be fairly boring and you already know how it's going to end. And in the case of TV shows that compare with Vinny T and Kurt Warner, they never end well.

So with the rise in the need for reality TV shows, I think it's finally time to pitch my idea to a network. Most likely it will have to be FOX since it was the same network that showed the World Eating Championship (it's been almost six years I'm still traumatized from watching grown men eat entire bowls of mayonnaise and four pound sticks of butter) and the "We Never Landed on the Moon" show, which pretty much convinced me we never did. Basically, FOX will air just about anything, which is exactly what I need.

The premise: Two crappy bands (and by crappy I mean the worst bands alive today) are put on a remote island in separate camps, much like Survivor, and a winner is declared when one band kills off the all the members of the other band. Shocking? Yes. But compelling and rich. Obviously, the life/death thing going on will bring high drama to the show but the real purpose of the show is to destroy crappy music by destroying crappy bands. For instance, the pilot will feature Nickelback and Smash Mouth, arguably two of the worst bands of our time, if not all-time, squaring off in a battle of survival. Even if Smash Mouth were to prevail, surely they'd lose a band member or two in the process which would certainly put their music making on the shelf for a little while. So with Smash Mouth depleted and Nickelback gone, the free world actually wins because the amount of crappy music being produced will drop. Do you know anyone who has actually said, "I can't wait for the new Nickelback album to come out"? I didn't think so. Point winner, free world.

The one possible drawback to the show is if the lead singer of one of the crappy bands survives. For example, were Nickelback to defeat Smash Mouth and the lead singer Chad whateverhisnameis survives, it would almost certainly mean the launch of his solo career. I've considered this point, but if Chad ? were to launch a solo career it wold almost immediately be followed by the apocalypse so we wouldn't have to endure it for very long.

Tentatively, the show is called Band Fight: (insert location here). Stealing a location from Survivor, the first show could be called Band Fight: Cook Islands. Possible future locations could include Haiti, Guam, the Azores, and Detroit. And if the show gets picked up (which is about as sure as a thing there is in life), future participants could include Cowboy Mouth, The Black Eyed Peas, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, and just about anyone else that plays pretend country music. Now all I need is a meeting with FOX executives so I can start counting my money and enjoying a world with a little bit less crappy music.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Houston Nutt and Ole Miss? Surely You Jest

I can only hope he will bring this outfit to Oxford.

When I first heard "reliable" rumors that Houston Nutt was probably going to be the next coach at Ole Miss, my first reaction was a shrug of the shoulders followed by an "Eh, we could do worse." Granted, the man had tremendous success at Arkansas, a school long removed from the national power scene and one located in a less than desirable recruiting area. But this was also the same guy that the majority of Arkansas fans were one more text message to a news anchor away from burning him in effigy. Put more simply, his act and off the field problems reached a boiling point with the fans.

Now that I've had some time to digest the news that the craziest, most emotional coach in the SEC West will in fact be in Oxford next fall, I'm not sure I could be more excited. Ole Miss finally found the proven head coach we were looking for three years ago when we instead hired a DEFENSIVE LINE COACH. Really, look it up. A defensive line coach with not even a breath of coordinator experience. Houston Nutt has 15 years experience has a HEAD COACH with eleven of those years being a Division I coach. Mathematicians haven't invented a number high enough to accurately explain the numerical quality hire percentage difference between the two hires (For the record, I don't know how you calculate quality hire percentage, I just made it up.)

What Ole Miss gets in Houston Nutt is a coach that's spent the last 10 years not just in the SEC, but in the very same division in which we play. I think it's safe to say he has his fingers on the pulse of the SEC and the Western division, which leads me to my next point. Other than getting adjusted to Ole Miss' half ass ways and his new team, there should be no major adjustment period. He already knows what it takes to win in the SEC. Now I'm not saying Ole Miss is going to come out and win eight games next year, but I can guarantee we won't see any of the Mickey Mouse coaching we've grown accustomed to over the past three years. Houston Nutt himself may remind you of Mickey Mouse at times, but not his coaching.

I don't expect him to be running off nine win season after nine win season. That's unrealistic. Ole Miss now has a guy that can win six or seven games a year consistently with an occasional nine to ten win season thrown in when everything falls into the right place. (And at this point I'd probably start sacrificing body parts just to get back to Shreveport. The bidding starts at two toes for Shreveport and for a BCS game, I'll go as high as a kidney. You only need one to live, right?) If you're asking anything more than that from an Ole Miss coach in this day of college football (especially in the SEC), you're crazy. So I embrace Houston Nutt and his potential traveling side show. Now, if you want to name a better choice (realistic) for Ole Miss, please attempt to do so. While you're doing that, I'm off to go stand in line for the first edition of "The Nutt House" t-shirt.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Hills Breakdown

First, an apology to The Hills fans. I can't believe it's taken me this long to dive into a season three breakdown of the show's main personalities (I'm not sure if that's the right word or not). Forgive me for my slacking and I hope this can make up for it.......

She's pretty much the most boring person on the show. She never really says anything interesting or does anything other than complaining about having no boyfriend (as she sucks down another mixed drink). Although I've never seen her smoke on the show, her voice sounds like she eats Marlboro Reds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then for dessert, she has a pack of Virginia Slims. Does she naturally have a 35 year old smoker's voice? I have no answers here. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this.

Apparently, she's also in school and has some sort of part-time job at Teen Vogue. I've seen no visual evidence as to what she actually does there (or if she actually goes to school), but it appears she mostly sits in front of a computer and talks to Whitney about what the club scene was like the night before. My favorite days are when she comes in and looks exactly like you would picture someone with a hangover. Good thing her greatest responsibility at work has been to sort jeans into different sizes for a photo shoot.

Not surprisingly, she's just as boring as her roommate, Lauren. She does earn a few more points because she "chills" with Justin Bobby, who might be the single greatest person on TV right now. Why she still gives him the time of day doesn't make any sense at all. He must posses some sort of mind control because why would anyone want to be around someone who doesn't appear to shower, speak in complete sentences, have rational thoughts, and as Lauren pointed out, he wears combat boots to the beach. He could also be hooking up Audrina with some smack or Columbian bam-bam which would explain why she clings to him and why she weighs about 46 pounds.

Justin Bobby
Wow. I don't even know where to start. Apparently, his name at one time was Bobby but recently he's switched to Justin, hence the nickname Justin Bobby. I have no idea if either of these names were actually given to him at birth or if he just picked them out of a book. Or they could be the names of two homeless philosophers he met at the soup kitchen one day. Anything is possible with him.

Justin Bobby spends most of his time on the show not speaking to any of Audrina's friends and doing everything possible to get Audrina to never speak to him again. But when he's in need of a friend, he cranks up the Jedi mind control and Audrina willingly runs out the door to go meet him. I wish I could remember all the great quotes he's provided from these meetings but only one really sticks out in my mind. After Audrina tells him they just need to be friends, he comes back at her with something like "Why do we need labels on everything? Why does society do that? Why can't we just be? You know what I'm saying?" Compelling and rich.
The poet laureate of Hollywood:

Speaking of brainwashed, she's fallen under the magical spell of the perpetually unemployed Spencer. He's a guy so unemployed that he has the time to oversee the painting of this on the LIVING ROOM WALL OF THEIR APARTMENT:

Seriously, on the living room wall. And it was not a joke. He and Heidi got into a fight over whether it could stay or had to go. It was one of the more unbelievable sequence of events to ever happen on the show. I can't remember exactly but I feel certain the mural stayed on the wall for at least three episodes.

As for Heidi, she appears to be trying to make a name for herself in corporate America. After locking down a spot at Bolthouse Productions, she's quickly climbed the ladder and now finds herself in charge of parties or something. Quick side note, what does it take to get a job at Bolthouse Productions? Other than a pulse and the ability to speak, I haven't spotted any qualifications. Clearly, a college education is not needed, but you better damn well know how to cross people off a list as they enter a party.

It will be interesting to see if Heidi cracks under the pressure of her rigorous work schedule that comes with her new position. Will she excel at name crossing off or will Brent Bolthouse regret the day he chose to hitch his wagon to her star? Other than a season four of this show, I demand that MTV give us a "Where are they now" show in five years.

Easily described as Lauren's nemesis. In the recent weeks, Spencer has managed to be named as the person that started the Lauren/Jason sex tape rumors, oversaw the painting of the above mural, avoided finding a job, cut off communication with his best friend Brody Jenner, and tried to make Heidi feel like a traitor for skipping out on their anniversary to go to work. I think he wakes up each day trying to see how badly he can piss off everyone that he knows. Speaking of waking up, here's my best attempt to layout Spencer's day until Heidi gets home from work:
10:15 Hit snooze on alarm.
10:24 Snooze again.
10:33 Rise and shine.
10:35 Look into mirror to admire himself.
10:42 Still looking.
10:50 Let Hills camera crew into the apartment so they can film him saying by to Heidi as she leaves for work. Heidi is not actually there since she left for work some 3 hours ago. Editing people, editing.
11:15 Got the perfect goodbye on the eighth take.
11:20 Turn on CNBC and pretend to look at stocks while MTV is still there.
1:00 Work out time. Tuesdays and Thursdays are arms and back.
3:30 Play old school arcade games in the apartment.
5:59 Pretend to be doing something constructive when Heidi walks through the door.

Fresh out of rehab, the hero of seasons one and two is back on the scene. At first, it seemed he and Lauren might be getting back together but that was too predictable for J-Wahl. Turns out, J-Wahl already has a girlfriend and just wanted to hang around Lauren for no apparent reason. Then, as if that wasn't a big enough surprise, J-Wahl invites Lauren to a party where we find out that it's actually an engagement party for J-Wahl and his 16 year ol....17 year.....wait, 18 year old.......okay, she has to be at least 20. I think.

Katja (I think that's her name) is fresh out of Mission Viejo High School and, okay I made that up, but there's no way she's a day older than 20. It was an enjoyable moment when she got to meet Lauren at the party. I'm pretty sure she murdered Lauren 800 different ways with her eyes. Who can blame her though? J-Wahl is such a hot commodity, you've got to protect your territory. If MTV doesn't give J-Wahl a spin-off show after everyone else refuses to do season four of this show, I may never watch another one of their pseudo-reality shows again. Well, that's probably a lie. But I assure you, I won't be happy.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Picture Time

Although I've given up on the Rebels for the time being, it doesn't mean I won't stop making fun of them. In today's post, we'll take a look at the 2007 season thus far in pictures.

The Coach:

The defense, seen here playing the part of the Red Sea:

The defense again, playing the part of Georgia's landscape during Sherman's march to the sea:

The offense, represented by this jalopy. It can run well at times, but the breakdowns will come and come often. You just never know when:

Mix these ingredients together, add a little special teams for flavoring and this is what you get:

And the end result:

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The ACT versus Orgeron

Last time around we saw Ed Orgeron stomp Mike Ditka into a fine paste in their head-to-head showdown. The shrimp boat captain's brawling, alligator wrestling tactics were simply too much for the former Bears and Saints coach, who seemed a little distracted by trade talks for former 49ers quarterback, Steve Bono. By the time Ditka realized he wasn't a coach and Bono doesn't play anymore, Orgeron had already tied him into a figure eight.

This week, Coach O goes up against another formidable foe in the ACT. While not as physically imposing as Ditka, the ACT has been giving Ole Miss athletics fits for years. And years. So how will Coach Orgeron handle it? Let's go to the tale of the tape.


Height: N/A
Weight: Heavy.
Strengths: Very smart and organized. Requires opponent to give full concentration at all times. Has the ability to hold someone's future over them in a cruel way. Often dominates athletes.
Weaknesses: Comes in a paper form. Can be fooled into not knowing the difference between "Chris Strong" and Chris Strong.
Intangibles: A savvy veteran.

Ed Orgeron

Height: 6'1"-ish
Weight: 220-ish
Strengths: Hmmmm.....let's see. The aforementioned alligator wrestling and bare knuckle fighting. He also is good at headbutting people and if need be, he could probably unhinge his jaw and eat someone. And even though they're implied in all those things, let's add intensity, rage, and hate.
Weaknesses: Coaching football and getting players that meet admissions requirements on campus.
Intangibles: I think alligator wrestling pretty much covers all the bases here.

The Result:
Another tough call. The ACT has dominated Ole Miss in the past, sending many potential athletes into the junior college ranks where they would eventually leave and sign with another school. Orgeron suffered early at the hands of the ACT, but has recently come storming back. Most notably with Chris Strong, who has allegedly made a qualifying score. If Strong does in fact attend Ole Miss in the fall, I think we could chalk up another win for Orgeron. Until then, I will call this match a draw.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Friday Classic Conversation

This week's Classic Conversation comes from the second worst movie ever made, Con Air, starring Nicolas Cage and a host of others who tried to attempt career suicide. Unfortunately for the free world, Cage's career survived and he went on to make many more terrible movies.

As for our scene today, Cage has just gone down into the storage area of the plane only to discover Billy Bedlam rummaging through his personal effects, including the cherished crappy bunny he wants to give his daughter. Bedlam also learns that Cameron Poe is not the hardened criminal he's made himself out to be. It's safe to say, things quickly escalate....

Cameron Poe: Put the bunny back in the box.

Billy Bedlam: I knew you was a punk. And I was right. You been playin' us all along. You a free man.

Cameron Poe: I said, put the bunny......back in the box.

Billy Bedlam: Die punk!!!!! (Fight ensues with lots of groping and punching. It finally ends when Poe impales Bedlam on a broken pipe.)

Cameron Poe: Why couldn't you put the bunny back in the box?

And that, my friends, is what we call acting.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Ditka versus Orgeron

This week a new feature is presented on the Belly of the Beast. Each week we're going to try to match up Ed Orgeron against someone or something and basically give a tale of the tape to determine if, in fact, Coach O is indestructible (physically that is, we already know the rest of the SEC has done a pretty good job of destroying him on the football field).

Our first feature bout pits Coach O against a legend, none other than former Bears coach Mike Ditka. Now according to the guys on Saturday Night Live, Ditka is pretty much unbeatable. He once took down a hurricane named Ditka and only lost to God by a field goal. It sounds like a tall order for the shrimp boat captain, alligator wrestler, and bare knuckle fighter. Let's go to the tale of the tape:

Mike Ditka

Height: 6'3"
228 lbs. in his playing days. Now? We'll call it 240.
Strengths: Intensity, ultra-competitive, former pro football player.
Weaknesses: Once traded 31 draft picks for Ricky Williams. Once traded for Heath Shuler. Once started Kerry Collins. Once started both Billy Joe Tolliver and Billy Joe Hobert.
Intangibles: Won a Super Bowl with Jim McMahon at quarterback. Suffered a heart attack in 1987 but just assumed it was a painful hiccup.

Ed Orgeron

Height: 6'1"-ish
Weight: 220-ish
Strengths: Hmmmm.....let's see. The aforementioned alligator wrestling and bare knuckle fighting. He also is good at headbutting people and if need be, he could probably unhinge his jaw and eat someone. And even though they're implied in all those things, let's add intensity, rage, and hate.
Weaknesses: Coaching football and getting players that meet admissions requirements on campus.
Intangibles: I think alligator wrestling pretty much covers all the bases here.

The Result:
This is a tough one. Ditka's victory over a hurricane is pretty impressive as well as taking God to the wire. But in the end, there's no way Ditka could remotely hang with Ed Orgeron. I mean, this is a man that throws furniture through hotel walls and challenges an entire football team to a fight. And he drives a HUMMER!!!! After Coach O got through with Ditka, Dikta would look like a bloody human pretzel.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Friday Classic Conversation

This week's Classic Conversation comes from yet another fine piece of American cinema. And when I say fine piece of American cinema, I mean the absolute worst movie ever made. That's right, none other than Armageddon. Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck star in a movie that made Congo look like The Godfather. And it just so happens they bring us our dramatic scene for today's conversation. The scene is right after straws have been drawn to determine who has to detonate the nuclear bomb and save the world but die in the process. And as you remember, Affleck's character drew the short straw. So here's Bruce Willis as Harry Stamper and Ben Affleck as A.J. (who apparently has no last name).

A.J.: Tell Grace that I'll, I'll always be with her. Can you do that?

Harry Stamper: Yeah. Okay kid.
[Pulls A.J.'s air hose out and rips off his own mission badge and hands it to A.J.]
Give this to Truman! Make sure Truman gets that! Get in there!
[Pushes A.J. back into the hatch and closes the door]
It's my turn now.

A.J.: Harry! You can't do this to me! It's my job!

Harry Stamper: You go take care of my little girl now. That's your job. I always thought of you as a son. I'd be damn proud to have you marry Grace.

A.J.: [Beginning to cry] Harry!!!

Harry Stamper: You take care of yourself.
[Pushes a button sending the hatch up]
I love you.

A.J.: No wait Harry I love you! Harry don't do this! I love you! No wait a minute!

Harry Stamper: Bye son.

Now that, my friends, is what we call acting. I'll need a few minutes to gather myself after that.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Friday Classic Conversation

This week's Classic Conversation comes from what some consider the greatest movie ever made. That's right, Point Break. So without any more delay, I present Johnny Utah and Bodhi.......

Johnny Utah: Lose something, bro?

Bodhi: Special Agent Utah. I knew I could count on you.

Johnny Utah: I've been to every city in Mexico. Came across an unclaimed piece of meat in Baja, turned out to be Rosie. Guess he picked a knife fight with somebody better. Found a passport of yours in Sumatra, missed you by about a week in Fiji. But l knew you wouldn't miss a 50-year storm, Bodhi.

Bodhi: Yeah.

Johnny Utah: Too bad. You finally get your waves and it's totally closed out.

Bodhi: Just waiting for my set.

Johnny Utah: You gotta go down. You crossed the line and people trusted you and they died.

Bodhi: Yeah, it went bad, went real bad. Life sure has a sick sense of humour, doesn't it? Still surfing?

Johnny Utah: Everyday. Come on, Bodhi. It's time to go. You know you gotta go back with me.

Bodhi: (laughs) Sorry, my friend.

Johnny Utah: Come on! (Fight ensues and ends with Johnny handcuffing his wrist to Bodhi's)

Bodhi: SHlT! NO! NO!

Johnny Utah: I told them you'd go quietly.

Bodhi: NO! You know there's no way I can handle a cage, man.

Johnny Utah: I don't care. You gotta go down. It's gotta be that way.

Bodhi: OK, man. OK. I'm screwed. I'm gonna go to jail and I'll pay, and Johnny Utah gets his guy. Right? Good for you. That's real good. You're gonna be a big hero now. But look at it, Johnny. Look at it! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, man. Just let me go out there, let me get one wave before you take me. One wave. Where am l gonna go, man? Cliffs on both side. l'm not gonna paddle to New Zealand! My whole life has been about this moment, Johnny. Come on, compadre.

Johnny Utah: Come on.

Bodhi: COME ON!

Johnny Utah: (long, dramatic pause after he lets Bodhi go) Vaya con Dios.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Friday Classic Conversation

This week's Classic Conversation segment comes from one of the all-time not-so-greats, The Ghost and the Darkness starring Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas.

Col. John Henry Patterson: Have you ever failed?

Charles Remington: Only at life.

And because Michael Douglas is so ridiculously over the top in this movie, I'm throwing in a bonus solo line. And probably his most ridiculous line in the whole movie.

Charles Remington: Oh, you're right. The devil has come to Tsavo. Look at me! I am the devil.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Friday Classic Conversation

Robin of Locksley: You were to use this information to get close to me and then kill me, isn't that right, Will? What are your intentions?

Will Scarlet: Well, that depends on you Locksley. I've never trusted you, that's no secret. What I wanna know is, is are you gonna finish what you started? I want to know if he's gonna turn and run like the spoiled little rich boy I always took him for.

Robin of Locksley: Did I wrong you in another life, Will Scarlett? Where does this intolerable hatred for me come from?

Will Scarlet: From knowing that... that our father loved you more than me.

Robin of Locksley: Our father?

Will Scarlet: We are brothers, Robin of Locksley. I am the son of the woman who replaced your dead mother for a time.

Robin of Locksley: It's a lie!

Will Scarlet: It was your anger that drove them apart! It's not a lie! You ruined my life! I have more reason to hate you than anyone. Yet I found myself daring to believe in you. And what I want to know brother, is will you stay with us and finish what you started?

That, my friends, is what we call acting.