Arkansas 42, Texas A&M 38
At the rate he's coughing up games, I hope Mike Sherman is around for Texas A&M's first year in the SEC. Again, not because I like Sherman, but because I like watching him butcher coaching decisions and, eventually, entire games.
Observe: Leading 35-20 in the third quarter, A&M faces a fourth and two from the Arkansas 39. A&M at this point is averaging about 52 yards a carry (by my admittedly rough estimation). What do they do? They do the "try to draw the defense offsides" trick, take a delay of game, and finally punt the ball 19 yards. And in the beginning of the fourth quarter, leading 35-27, the Aggies face a fourth and one from essentially midfield. Don't even think about going for it and punt. Both times, Arkansas took the ball straight down the field and scored. YOUR CONFIDENCE IS CONTAGIOUS, MIKE.
I have to watch Houston Nutt and David Lee run an offense for seven more games, and even I feel sorry for people at the mercy of Mike Sherman decision-making. I mentioned this on Twitter, but no one will judge you, Texas A&M fans, if you begin drinking bleach before and during your games.
Georgia 24, Mississippi State 10
Even though it was not an officially sanctioned Jefferson Pilot game, this game met all the qualifications:
-Soul-numbingly early start time? Check.
-Dead crowd? Check.
-Horribly boring? Check
-Offensive ineptitude? Check.
-Buffet of turnovers? Check.
-Terrible coaching? Check.
If Mark Richt and Mike Sherman ever have to face one another, it will be classified in your TV guide as a comedy. A TRAGIC COMEDY. I cannot fathom having the patience to watch both of those guys coach 12 full games, considering the talent they have at their disposal. It's like injecting yourself with black tar AGONY each week for three months.
And let's go ahead and press the break pedal down on Dan Mullen getting his choice of jobs next year. The only damage State inflicted on this mediocre Georgia team was to the hedges surrounding the field:
Let's hope Nickoe Whitley's urine contains no Spike 80DF.
LSU 35, Kentucky 7
You go straight to hell, Kentucky. You and your backdoor cover. I hate all of you. Also, Ole Miss fans, if you're wondering how our game against LSU is going to go, watch this game again.
Tennessee 41, Buffalo 10
A rough weekend for the city of Buffalo. A team no one in the city knows about gets smashed at Tennessee, and the Bills, led by former Harvard quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick (copyright: All of the sportswriters and TV people), lose to the Bengals. And I'm sure next week, it'll be 25-degrees and snowing.
Auburn 16, South Carolina 13
Auburn's best offensive player gets 41 carries. South Carolina's best offensive player gets 17 carries.
That's 20 fewer carries than Marcus Lattimore got against Navy when nothing else was on offense was working for South Carolina. Why Spurrier chose to preserve Lattimore here against one of the West teams South Carolina should beat, especially at home, again:
What has to be killing Spurrier is that he knows if gets average out of Stephen Garcia, he goes back to Atlanta. He's got a defense that can get him there, but a quarterback that could help send Florida or Tennessee to Atlanta. If only Ted Roof could coach a defense against Stephen Garcia every week. He'd be considered a defensive genius.
Alabama 38, Florida 10
Though I have an eternal flame of hate reserved for Alabama, I get a confusing amount of joy from watching this defense play. They're big, fast, strong, and know what the hell they're supposed to be doing. And I suppose that anyone who truly enjoys sports has to get some degree of pleasure out of seeing incredibly gifted athletes play at such a high level of effectiveness.
/remembers we play them in two weeks
/sets world record for distance in projectile vomiting
It's never a good sign when your backup quarterback is your leading rusher with 16 yards, but it is a good sign of quality entertainment whenever Coach Boom got some face time and dropped every variation ever created of f-bombs. And if one could be found guilty of murdering someone with their eyes, Muschamp would currently be serving 438 consecutive life sentences.
Ole Miss 38, Fresno State 28
For the guys who continued to play hard when their coaches gave them no reason to, I am happy for them that they finally get to celebrate a win. Yes, Fresno State stinks, but getting a brief rest from the river of shit they've been swimming in is well-deserved. They've got seven more games and only two of which (Kentucky and Louisiana Tech) they have a real chance of winning, so here's to hoping they enjoy it.
And hey, it only took an entire spring, summer, fall practice, and five games, but I think Houston Nutt finally decided on a quarterback. Now everything is all downhill from here. But even more exciting that that, Enrique Davis, who has missed three games and isn't good, made an appearance with nine and half minutes to go, and Ole Miss was losing by one. He got in two plays, then didn't play again.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Jarius Wright, Arkansas
13 receptions, 281 yards, 2 TDs
Tyler Wilson, Arkansas
30-51, 510 yards, 3 TDs
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Stephen Garcia, South Carolina
9-23, 160 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs
JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Though we knew his team was the superior team going into the game, he missed not a beat after Florida's fast start, settling his team in and proceeding to pound the hell out of the Gators.
2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season
1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Morgan Newton 6
2. Zack Stoudt 6
2. Aaron Murray 6
5. Barrett Trotter 5
5. Chris Relf 5
7. Larry Smith 3
7. Tyler Wilson 3
7. John Brantley 3
10. A.J. McCarron 2
10. Tyler Bray 2
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Season: 22-20-1 (.523)
MAN AGAINST BEAST
Season: 33-21 (.733)
Season: 27-17 (.613)
POE VERSUS LOW
Season: 36-8 (.818)
Season: 35-9 (.795)
KING OF THE RING
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Florida at LSU
Will Jeff Driskel lead Florida in rushing again? Will Coach Boom choke the air out of everyone within three feet of him? Will the Honey Badger smear Driskel into the grass, pick up the pieces, plus the ball, and walk into the end zone?
Georgia at Tennessee
Who will be the team to put pressure on South Carolina? Will defensive backs finally catch passes from Tyler Bray that should be intercepted? How many fourth and ones will Mark Richt NOT go for?