Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.
1. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "The guy is seemingly unflappable now. When I used to run across quarterbacks like him, I'd show one down lineman and 10 defensive backs arranged in the shape of a diamond."
2. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: "You can't win anymore than Les has this year! He won ALL of the games, which is all that there have been!"
3. Nick Saban
Dave Rowe: "And Nick too! Hahaha! Oh, boy! What a pair of coaches!"
4. A.J. McCarron
Replay official: "Upon further inspection, the sternum tattoo remains as one of the worst ideas ever."
5. James Franklin
Dave Rowe: "Coach Franklin has got Vanderbilt fired up! Those fans are going to pack the stadium out on Saturday!"
6. Willie Robinson
Joe Lee Dunn: "Anyone can have a bad start, but it's not usually caused by Houston Nutt and David Lee."
7. Dennis Johnson
Dave Rowe: "Dennis, man, he looks like a little bowling ball running around out there! But a bowling ball with running ability!"
8. Zac Stacy
Dave Rowe: "You can just feel his grit and toughness!"
9. Joker Phillips
Joe Lee Dunn: "Wait, what happened to Hal? Is he alright?"
10. Morgan Newton
Replay official: "Because we felt like something was wrong, we've gone back and credited seven more interceptions to Morgan. We just want to get all the calls right."
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 33-25-1 (.568)
Arkansas (-9.5) at Vanderbilt
The Commodores flexed their covering muscle last weekend by running through and around Army, bringing their record against the spread to 5-2. If you can say one thing about the James Franklin era, it's that he's made gamblers reassess their standard pick against Vanderbilt. Unfortunately for Franklin and company (he really needs to hire an offensive coordinator with the last name of Bash so I can make reference's to TNT's Franklin & Bash, starring Zack Morris, and of which I saw all the episodes), Vanderbilt is an Ole Miss-like 2-8 against the spread in their last 10 conference games.
Also working against them is an Arkansas team that spent all week talking about getting its ass in gear in the first half. Yesterday, I mentioned that, due to the JP-ness of this game and Vandy's involvement, it probably wasn't going to happen. But, luckily for Arkansas, there are two additional quarters, and two quarters in which they show how good they can be. Arkansas to cover.
Georgia (-3) at Florida (Jacksonville)
Since 1990, Georgia has only beaten Florida THREE times. For a futility comparison, Ole Miss has beaten Alabama that same number of times since then. And who says Mark Richt can't beat teams of equal or greater value? Actually, I think everyone says that. If you don't, you deserve a flying scissor kick to the throat.
Though it goes against every fiber of my being to pick Georgia, I've seen nothing out of Florida that indicates they can score enough points to even score points. Yes, this whole thing reeks of Georgia bed-shitting and Todd Grantham dumbassery, but Georgia, while maddeningly inconsistent and with a lack of identity or direction on offense, has the ability to slap together a few scoring drives to ensure a cover. While I am stating my regret, Georgia to cover.
Ole Miss at Auburn (-12)
Everyone seems to think Ole Miss is going to keep this one close, with a few lost souls proclaiming Ole Miss could actually win this game. I could also win the lottery (AND NEVER WRITE HERE AGAIN), but I know that only those 60 and up win the lottery because they buy lottery tickets on their nine weekly trips to the bank.
Yes, it is true Auburn's offense is struggling and quarterbacked by Clint Moseley, but if I recall correctly, they still operate as a run-heavy offense with gallons upon gallons of read-option and misdirection plays. Have you ever seen Ole Miss successfully defend one of these plays? The answer is NO YOU HAVE NOT. Additionally, the Rebels ranked last in the conference in rushing defense, giving up 222.9 yards a game (for a futility comparison, Alabama, who has played one more game than Ole Miss, has given up 359 total rushing yards and Ole Miss check in at 1,560, a difference of 1,201 yards).
Typically, when a bad Ole Miss team shows signs of improvement, the coming week's opponent is not playing well, and the Rebels have to go on the road, disaster ensues. Like three or four score-loss disaster. I've seen it happen too many times, usually in person, and a shalln't be falling into that trap of optimism again. Auburn to cover.
Mississippi State (-10) at Kentucky
I'm not sure if this game or the Vanderbilt/Kentucky game will be the second-most unwatchable game of the season. But, either way, Kentucky fans have to be delighted that they're team will be involved in all three of the most unwatchable games of the year. Quite a feat for the Joker Phillips era. Mississippi State to cover.
South Carolina (-3.5) at Tennessee
I know Matt Simms stinks (whoa, whoa, whoa, settle down there, Phil, I only want to fight you over your analysis on CBS, not over your bad quarterback son), but our sample of Simms this season has been against LSU, Alabama, and part of the Georgia game. Not exactly an ideal group from which to sample your quarterback.
So I'm not sure why Derek Dooley decided to burn Justin Worley's redshirt (especially when the Alabama game was over) after Simms only showed that he is not very good against the best two defenses in college football. Now, odds are Simms would be bad against South Carolina, but, given South Carolina's offensive problems, don't you trust your defense and hope Simms can do one or two good things and maybe escape with a win?
Tennessee needs three more wins to achieve bowl eligibility so Dooley can claim a positive Herm Edwards WE CAN BUILD ON THIS season. Looking at the rest of the schedule, the Vols go to Arkansas and play MTSU, Kentucky, and Vandy. No matter who their quarterback is, they're not winning in Fayetteville, but no matter who their quarterback is, they can beat those other three, which gets them to six wins. So why waste a year of a quarterback's eligibility when he's going to improve your situation by zero games? WHAT'S YOUR GAME HERE, DEREK DOOLEY?
South Carolina to cover.
*You will NOT double your paycheck
MAN AGAINST BEAST
Peter Venkman
Season: 43-17 (.717)
Arkansas
Georgia
Ole Miss
Mississippi State
Tennessee
Mr. Blue
Season: 33-27 (.550)
Arkansas
Georgia
Auburn
Mississippi State
South Carolina
POE VERSUS LOW
Cameron Poe
Season: 51-9 (.850)
Arkansas at Vanderbilt
I would rather stab myself in the eye than watch another JP game in Nashville. (30-10 Arkansas)
Georgia at Florida
It is idiotic that Georgia continues to consent to playing this game in Jacksonville. Beyond a better chance of winning, home football games bring recruits and millions of dollars to your city and campus. I would think that a school that has only beaten its biggest rival a couple of time over the last 20 years would be looking for any competitive advantage it could get. For Georgia, however, the appeal of partying in a ratty navy town outweighs winning football games. That is why Georgia is just a big Ole Miss. (20-17 Fla)
Ole Miss at Auburn
I liked last week's improved Rebel effort. I also like that Clint Moseley is Auburn's quarterback. (21-20 Rebs)
Mississippi State at Kentucky
I'm sure that Dan Mullen will start blabbering again about winning the West after State gets its first SEC win against this awful Kentucky team. (27-14 State)
South Carolina at Tennessee
For some reason Mr. Orange Pants decided to bench Phil Simms' son and burn the redshirt of a true freshman quarterback well after the Alabama game had gotten out of hand. He subsequently announced that the true freshman would start this game. I'm no supporter of Phil Simms' son, but the decision to put him down for a true freshman seems like a drastic move considering his two starts were against two teams that have made everyone look like shit. On a personal level, I'm glad Orange Pants made the move because I hate Tennessee. (24-14 USC)
Chris Low
Season: 50-10 (.833)
Auburn
Arkansas
Mississippi State
South Carolina
Georgia
KING OF THE RING
WAC Edition
Gray 41-7
Venkman 36-12
Poe 37-11
San Jose State at Louisiana Tech
Gray: Louisiana Tech
Venkman: San Jose State
Poe: Louisiana Tech
Hawaii at Idaho
Gray: Hawaii
Venkman: Idaho
Poe: Hawaii
Nevada at New Mexico State
Gray: Nevada
Venkman: Nevada
Poe: Nevada
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