From The Weekend That Was

GAME RECAPS

Mississippi State 21, UAB 3
Who doesn't enjoy a good quarterback controversy?!?!? Especially one that doesn't involve Houston Nutt and a transfer quarterback (You stay away, Garrett Gilbert. STAY AWAY.). In the red corner, we have Chris Relf. Senior starter, good athlete, poor passer. In the blue corner, we have Tyler Russell. Backup, average athlete, better passer than Relf. Relf did nothing against a UAB defense that surrendered 49 points to Tulane a few weeks ago, and Russell put 21 points on the board, while looking like he knew what he was doing.

If Dan Mullen wants to run his read-option-based offense, Relf is the only guy who can operate it as Mullen wants due to his ability to run. If Mullen wants to play Russell, he'll have to alter the offense in a more conventional direction to suit Russell's abilities. Against UAB, it didn't matter that there were no significant changes with Russell in there. Against South Carolina, it will matter. Of course, if the offensive line doesn't reach a rating of average, it won't matter who plays or what style of offense they run.

South Carolina 54, Kentucky 3
Step aside, Ole Miss, we have a new worst team in the conference! Morgan Newton completed passes: Four. Kentucky turnovers: Six. Truly a great moment when a Division I quarterback attempts 20 passes and completes four (20%!). And let this sink in as well, South Carolina had 543 more yards of total offense than Kentucky (639-96). 543! Not even Ed Orgeron-led teams were skulldrug this badly.

At least we know what Joker Phillips and Houston Nutt will talk about before the game on November 5th. Other employment opportunities.

LSU 41, Florida 10
Of course it worked out this way. Someone finally gets hit with the horrible taunting penalty that takes away a touchdown and it doesn't affect the outcome of the game. I wanted the first instance of this rule to cost someone a game, creating a firestorm of fan wailing and gnashing of teeth, as well as media indignation and sentences like "the kids are just out there having fun." Now, this still may happen, it's most likely how Ole Miss will lose to Kentucky, but it would have been infinitely more special to have had that happen the first time the rule is applied.

What did make this one special was that a punter was the first player flagged for celebrating going into the end zone.

A punter who was in the middle of running a 52-yard touchdown on a fake punt. Untouched. I rewound the play several times and I think the lead blocker for the punter ran close to 40 yards before he even had to block someone. Will Muschamp reacted not with bulging veins and hate-terror pouring out of his eyes, but in a dangerously more psychotic way:



Arkansas 38, Auburn 14
Well, I think we know why Auburn was so hesitant to let Kiehl Frazier (seriously, parents, "Kyle" didn't do it for you?) to throw. Because he can't. Two interceptions in four pass attempts that were horrible decisions. To make matters worse, Barrett Trotter looked like Kiehl Frazier had he been allowed to throw 19 times (minus the interceptions). Trotter was a miserable 6 of 19 for 81 yards and killed any chance Auburn had at keeping up with Arkansas' offense, which surgically sliced apart Ted Roof's defense.

The good news for Auburn is that, even though they gave up 438 yards to Arkansas, that's about 150 fewer than I thought they'd give up. In the words of Herm Edwards, THEY CAN BUILD ON THIS.

Alabama 34, Vanderbilt 0
Nick Saban would like to apologize to conservative offenses everywhere. Allowing his quarterback to throw four touchdowns is an embarrassment to the conservative institution, and shines an unnecessary light on the offensive side of the ball, taking away from the glory of the defensive side. He promises it will never happen again and already has developed plans to have at least one quarter against Ole Miss free from passes.

Georgia 20, Tennessee 12
Even though Tennessee had -20 yards rushing for the game, the real joy of the game came from this:

It took every ounce of willpower Mark Richt had to not call for Aaron Murray to take a knee and instead run a one-percent more risky off-tackle play.

And tough news for Tennessee coming out of this game. Tyler Bray hit his throwing hand on a Georgia player's helmet and broke his thumb. He's out for six weeks, which, while awful for him and Tennessee, is great news for everyone else because we get to see Matt Simms play quarterback again. Good times are sure to follow, mainly because Phil Simms will have more opportunities to fight people who say his son is not a very good quarterback.


DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

A.J. McCarron, Alabama
23-30, 237 yards, 4 TDs, 0 INT

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Morgan Newton, Kentucky
4-20, 17 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Mark Richt
It hasn't looked pretty, but Richt has his team at 3-1 in conference play and is one South Carolina slip-up from taking over the lead in the SEC East. GOOD LORD THE SEC EAST IS HORRIBLE.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Morgan Newton 7
3. Zack Stoudt 6
3. Aaron Murray 6
3. Barrett Trotter 6
6. Chris Relf 5
7. Larry Smith 3
7. Tyler Wilson 3
7. John Brantley 3
10. A.J. McCarron 2
10. Tyler Bray 2


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 5-1
Season: 27-21-1 (.561)


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 3-3
Season: 34-16 (.680)


Mr. Blue
Week: 2-4
Season: 29-21 (.580)


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 5-1
Season: 41-9 (.820)


Chris Low
Week: 6-0
Season: 41-9 (.820)

KING OF THE RING
Mountain West Edition
Gray:  32-5
Venkman: 29-8
Poe: 32-5

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
South Carolina at Mississippi State
Tyler Russell or Chris Relf? The return of Stephen Garcia? The re-return of Connor Shaw? A touchdown for the ballboy just because? Andre Ware talking for three and a half hours without saying one insightful thing?

Florida at Auburn
Which side will produce the more worthless quarterback play? Will both teams combine for 150 rushing attempts? Is this the game Will Muschamp pops an eyeball out of its socket?