Friday, September 30, 2011

Week Five Power Poll And Picks

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Stephen Garcia
Dave Rowe: "You know one play Steve Spurrier will never run with Stephen Garcia? The quarterback sneak. It's the worst play in football!"

2. John Brantley
Joe Lee Dunn: "Reminds me of a quarterback that used to play at Mississippi State. Todd Jordan. That is not a compliment."

3. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "The Ball Coach really has his offense flying now!"

4. Will Muschamp
Replay official: "Has he murdered someone on the sideline yet? I'd like to review the video in the trial."

5. A.J. McCarron
Dave Rowe: "Nick Saban has found what he's been looking for all season. A real play-maker!"

6. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "Seriously. Give me seven linebackers, three safeties, and a big ol' defensive tackle and I can stop this shit right in its tracks."

7. Les Miles
Joe Lee Dunn: "Ever try to figure out why a five-year old is distracted by shiny objects? Can't be done."

8. Alshon Jeffery
Dave Rowe: "What a big man! Lucky for him he has such a talented quarterback in Stephen Garcia to get him the ball!"

9. Connor Shaw
Joe Lee Dunn: "We had a quarterback like him when I was at Ole Miss. Tom Luke. Also not a compliment."

10. Mark Richt
Dave Rowe: "Georgia fans are so lucky to have a coach of Mark Richt's caliber leading their program!"

Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 18-17-1 (.513)

Texas A&M at Arkansas (+3) (at that big thing near the Dallas airport)
Texas A&M's collapse against Oklahoma State gave me even further assurance Mike Sherman is going to be one of my favorite coaches to make fun of when the Aggies join the SEC next season. Leading 20-3 at the end of the second quarter, Sherman's team left the third quarter trailing 24-20, and possessed the aggressiveness and mental fortitude of a turtle surrounded by children.

Much like Oklahoma State in the second half, Arkansas should be able to move the ball with ease on the Aggies, and only needs to get something out of its defense, which apparently will be the storyline of every Arkansas game under Bobby Petrino. I'll have three points and the Hogs.

Mississippi State at Georgia (-6.5)
Good news for State fans, you're not playing an SEC West team not named Ole Miss, so your chances of winning jump exponentially. Bad news for State fans is that Chris Relf no longer resembles a confident quarterback, and as Dan Mullen proved at the end of regulation in the Louisiana Tech game, he too has no confidence in Relf to lead any drive requiring passes of over five yards.

Meanwhile, Georgia is brimming with the kind of confidence that comes from not being able to put away a horrid Ole Miss team. This kind of battle reeks of Jefferson Pilot, yet Dave and the boys decided to go with LSU/Kentucky. POOR CHOICE. Thankfully though, the good people at Georgia decided to make this an 11 AM (CDT) kickoff just because. So, while not on JP, it will certainly have the feel of a JP game. Well done, University of Georgia. UGA to cover.

Kentucky at LSU (-30.5)
After being certain Kentucky could keep it within 20 against Florida, I watched the first 15 minutes of the game and realized what a fool I was. Kentucky/Ole Miss is going to be one of the greatest bad games of our time. If Starship's "We Built This City" was a college football game, it would be the Kentucky/Ole Miss game. LSU to cover.

Buffalo at Tennessee (-28.5)
Praise little tiny baby Jesus we have no 16-team playoff in college football. It would certainly damage the value of the regular season and deprive us of games like this. Vols to cover.

Auburn at South Carolina (-10)
South Carolina is 4-0 with an offense that has one working part and everything else duct-taped in place. However, they are 4-0 and have a Ted Roof defense coming to town on Saturday. With that thought in mind, I doubt Spurrier has even slept this week. Florida Atlantic, of the Sun Belt family tree, in its first two games had a combined 185 yards of total offense. Against Auburn, they had 307. That's 62% of their yearly total.

Overlooked in all of Ted Roof's mess, is that the Auburn offense, led by Chris Todd 2.0, is currently 40th in scoring and 78th in total offense. That's not good when your defense is 92nd in scoring and 110th in total defense. I'll take some South Carolina to cover.

Alabama (-4) at Florida
Okay, for real this time, everyone knows Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps are Florida's offense. While Tennessee and Kentucky lacked the speed and skill on defense to contain them, we know Alabama does not. They have no player on defense as fast as those two, but they have many players who can get to them before they hit the nitrous button. This, of course, means that John Brantley will need to carry a significant portion of the Florida offense. A dark and unpleasant thought for Florida fans.

Alabama will have the same offensive gameplan it's had since Saban got his defense to his preferred level of destruction, and batter Florida into the ground, scoring a touchdown or two, with a peppering of field goals. Alabama to cover.

Ole Miss (+3.5) at Fresno State
Word on the street and every newspaper and media outlet that covers Ole Miss says Randall Mackey will draw the start against the Bulldogs. I don't think this improves things or makes them worse, which is the problem with the Ole Miss offense. The offense is entrenched in a steadily horrible place. Until the offensive line learns how to not not block anyone, anyone reading this sentence could be back there running around and produced the same results.

The only thing I know of Fresno is that David Carr's little brother is their starting quarterback. If this were an NFL game, I'd be elated at such good fortune. But, alas, it is a college game and he will excel. Fresno to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck


Peter Venkman
Season: 29-9 (.763)

Texas A&M at Arkansas
Texas A&M. I can't wait to make trips to College Station. Really. I hear it's beautiful this time of year. Seriously.

Mississippi State at Georgia
Georgia. Long story short - I know a Korean boy who does some assembly line work for Nike, and Georgia's next Pro Combat uniforms will be covered in actual dog fur. A lustrous coat.

Kentucky at LSU
LSU. I feel like Les Miles probably reeks of Drakar Noir. Can somebody get confirmation on this?

Buffalo at Tennessee
Tennessee. I'm still seething over my beloved Pats' loss to the Bills last week. Mark my words, TB12 will make good use of his UGG boots when he curbs Buffalo in Foxboro later this season. Oh, and I like the Vols in this one.

Auburn at South Carolina
South Carolina. It's been brought to my attention that Steve Spurrier doesn't drink alcohol anymore. When reached for comment, Stephen Garcia said he would drink enough for the both of them. And every other member of the Gamecock's staff.

Alabama at Florida
Alabama. Cameron Poe and I are flying in for this one- podcast to follow...

Ole Miss at Fresno State
Fresno. I love Boone's picture in the Forward Rebel's ad. He looks like he just took the lectern at an AA meeting.

Mr. Blue
Season: 22-15 (.594)

Blue left the following note on Venkman's pillow:
"Effective immediately, I will be engaging in a hunger strike in honor of my college neutered brothers. No meat will cross my lips until all black labs are allowed to keep their testicles in their scrotums. PS- I left several warm turds in your UGG boots."
- Blue

For his courage, we'll give Mr. Blue the following picks:
South Carolina
Fresno State


Cameron Poe
Season: 31-6 (.837)

Texas A&M at Arkansas
I could give two shits about Texas A&M, Missouri, VA Tech or any other school mentioned in expansion. I don't see how any of them make the SEC better. The league may get a little more TV money, but the loss of old rivalries will make the SEC much less interesting. (42-31 Arkansas)

MSU at Georgia
Last week I stated that Mississippi State was an average team. I'm tempted to drop them to mediocre, but I'll reserve judgment until after this game against a thoroughly average Georgia team. (24-20 UGA)

Kentucky at LSU
Hey Kentucky fans, basketball is almost here! (38-3 LSU)

Buffalo at Tennessee
I don't know anything about the Buffalo Bulls, but I know that the Bills' QB played at Harvard. (42-10 Tennessee)

Auburn at South Carolina
I'm really shocked that Spurrier still allows Garcia to throw the ball. I guess the Ole Ball Coach is a glutton for punishment. If Carolina can't throw the ball against this crappy defense, Spurrier's head may explode. (35-24 USC)

Alabama at Florida
I've got my jorts packed for the trip to the Swamp. This game is kicking off at 8:00 pm, so I'm positive that this will be the most drunk people that I have ever been around at one time. My goal for this trip is to not end up in the Alachua County Jail. (20-17 Bama)

Ole Miss at Fresno State
For my Ole Miss friends, I hope this is the last game that Houston Nutt ever coaches. (35-21 Fresno)

Chris Low
Season: 31-6 (.837)

Fresno State
South Carolina
Texas A&M

Sun Belt Edition
Gray 22-4
Venkman 20-6
Poe 22-4

Arkansas State at Western Kentucky
Gray: Arkansas State. How many résumés has Hugh Freeze sent Pete Boone? 10? 45?
Venkman: Western Kentucky.
Poe: Arkansas State.

North Texas at Tulsa
Gray: Tulsa.
Venkman: North Texas.
Poe: Tulsa.

Florida Atlantic at Louisiana-Lafayette
Gray: Lafayette
Venkman: Lafayette
Poe: Lafayette

Duke at Florida International
Gray: FIU. I have no idea why, but this game feels like a David Cutcliffe disaster.
Venkman: Duke.
Poe: FIU.

Memphis at Middle Tennessee
Gray: MTSU. Recruiting bagmen are bagmen for a reason. They do nothing else well.
Venkman: MTSU.
Poe: MTSU.

UAB at Troy
Gray: Troy. This is like the Hudson's Salvage Center version of the Alabama/Auburn game.
Venkman: Troy.
Poe: Troy.


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