Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.
1. Trent Richardson
Joe Lee Dunn: "I'd give up 700 yards passing before I let Trent Richardson top 50 yards on my defense."
2. Jarrett Lee
Dave Rowe: "11 touchdowns and just one interception? Oh, boy, look out NFL! We'll see him on Sunday!"
3. A.J. McCarron
Joe Lee Dunn: "Seriously, McCarron would have to throw like 85 passes."
4. Nick Saban
Replay official: "Can I get you a water or a snack, coach? I know you like those Little Debbie cakes."
5. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: "I know Les has a tough decision to make this week with the player suspensions, but that's what coaches do. They make tough decisions!"
6. Mark Richt
Joe Lee Dunn: "Mark, you have my number."
7. James Franklin
Replay official: "James Franklin is an American hero for upsetting Todd Grantham enough that he would want to fight on a football field after a game."
8. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "Even though he's lost Marcus Lattimore for the season, Steve Spurrier still wants to win all the games!"
9. Connor Shaw
Dave Rowe: "Connor Shaw can make all the throws. Even the ones he has trouble with!"
10. Clint Moseley
Dave Rowe: "Gene Chizik is really gonna lean on Ted Roof and his defense while Clint settles in."
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 30-23-1 (.564)
Jacksonville State at Kentucky (-10)
Dan Mullen making Gray snort-chuckle out loud? SUCCESS. Even though it's part of his shtick, I salute Mullen for a well-timed barb and one that is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
/deep sigh
/hatred for everyone and everything
Though I'm very aware Kentucky could lose this game outright, I'm banking on Ole Miss being the only SEC team incompetent enough to lose to Jacksonville State. And Joker Phillips recognizing that he's "locker room fired" if the Wildcats don't take care of business. Kentucky to cover.
Arkansas (-16) at Ole Miss
Ahem:
Arkansas scoring offense: 39.2 ppg (2nd)
Ole Miss scoring defense: 29.2 ppg (11th)
Arkansas total offense: 466.2 ypg (1st)
Ole Miss total defense: 442.8 ypg (12th)
Arkansas rushing offense: 129.3 ypg (8th)
Ole Miss rushing defense: 225.7 ypg (12th)
Arkansas pass offense: 336.8 ypg (1st)
Ole Miss pass defense: 217.2 ypg (10th)
Arkansas pass efficiency offense: 153.1 (2nd)
Ole Miss pass efficiency defense: 128.8 (11th)
If this line hit Arkansas -30, I might, MIGHT, consider taking Ole Miss. Arkansas to cover, with Houston Nutt increasing his lead by two games over Ed Orgeron for consecutive SEC losses.
Auburn at LSU (-21)
Honey Badger or no Honey Badger, until LSU meets a defense that can challenge the physical nature of its offense, and the spread isn't too outrageous, they're going to cover. And if you've seen Auburn play this year, "powerful," "big," and "fast" are not words that belong on the list of words that could be used to describe its defense. Instead, that list includes words like "lost," "I hope they screw up so we don't have to make a play," and "What now, coach?"
As an added bonus for this game, we get to see the quarterback that finished second to Barrett Trotter in the Auburn quarterback competition. And as a fan of bad quarterbacking, I couldn't be more excited. Mainly because I'd like to squeeze in a nap during the second half of this game, but also because a completely overwhelmed Clint Moseley will help dull the brutal reality of Arkansas hanging half a hundred on Ole Miss. LSU to cover.
Army at Vanderbilt (-11)
An emotionally charged game followed by the mighty Black Knights of the Hudson and their triple-option offense rolling into Nashville could spell trouble for the Commodores. Or maybe it couldn't. Who knows, because I certainly don't. One tiny bit of knowledge I do have is that preparing for triple-option offenses is a total bitch, especially if you only have a week. Ask South Carolina if they're going to be scheduling Navy again.
Vanderbilt's offense is an offense in name only and will be led by a quarterback who went 4 of 19 in a game of college football last week, so scoring may be a bit of an issue for them. Plus, the idea of Vanderbilt beating anyone not named Ole Miss by double digits makes little to no sense. Give me Army and the points.
Tennessee at Alabama (-29.5)
One of the laments I keep hearing about conference expansion as it relates to the SEC is the loss of traditional rivalry games. Or, actually, just game. Because the only one that keeps getting mentioned over and over again is what will happen to the world if Tennessee and Alabama aren't able to play each other every year. Does anyone who is not a Tennessee or Alabama fan care if those two can't play on a yearly basis? Anyone? No?
I know not a person outside of the Tennessee/Alabama fan group that would wail and gnash teeth over the loss of the yearly version of this game. Yes, there is some really great history between the two schools, particularly in the media day subpoena department, but two out of 14 schools don't, or at least shouldn't, determine the actions of an entire conference. There's an old saying that fits perfectly right here and it goes something like TOUGH SHIT.
Alabama to cover.
*You will NOT double your paycheck
MAN AGAINST BEAST
Peter Venkman
Season: 38-17 (.690)
Kentucky
Arkansas
LSU
Vanderbilt
Alabama
Mr. Blue
Season: 32-23 (.552)
Jacksonville State
Ole Miss
Auburn
Army
Alabama
POE VERSUS LOW
Cameron Poe
Season: 46-9 (.836)
Jacksonville State at Kentucky
Kentucky is making a push to be the worst SEC team of the last decade. The game with Ole Miss might be for that title. (21-17 UK)
Arkansas at Ole Miss
Please don't take the following as an endorsement of the Ole Miss Athletic Department. I believe the department is run by complete idiots, but I can't stand hypocrites and revisionist historians.
I love how Romero Miller has become the fan favorite voice of dissatisfaction with the football program. Are we talking about the same Romero Miller? No one outside of the two crappy linebackers who started over Patrick Willis benefited more from Ole Miss' stubborn attachment to mediocrity than Mr. Miller. Romero Miller was a thoroughly crappy quarterback. He was given opportunity after opportunity to win the big game, but he failed miserably.
His last two years at quarterback happened to coincide with arguably the most talent the Rebs have had since the early 60s. You know what he did with that talent? One trip to Shreveport and one trip to Nashville. Please blame the administration for that, Romero. Romero's ass should have been put on the bench to make way for Eli after he shit the bed for 12th time in a loss to Auburn to start his senior year, but offensive genius David Cutcliffe stuck with Romero for the rest of the season.
The culture that Romero is railing against is the same culture that allowed him to continue to suck while at the same time wasting a year of eligibility of the best player in school history. Everyone knows that Ole Miss has idiots running the athletic department, but please do not celebrate Romero Miller for pointing out the obvious when he benefited as much as anyone from the problem. Unless Romero apologizes to the Ole Miss fans for his shitty play, he should sit down and shut the hell up. (42-14 Arkansas)
Auburn at LSU
Auburn's deal with God or the devil continues with the suspensions of members of LSU's starting secondary. Whatever higher power is on Auburn's side will not be enough. (27-10 LSU)
Army at Vanderbilt
Old people tell me that this game may have been a big deal in the 1930s. (9-7 Vandy)
Tennessee at Alabama
I'll tell my children that this game used to be a great rivalry game. (38-10 Bama)
Chris Low
Season: 45-10 (.818)
Kentucky
Arkansas
LSU
Vanderbilt
Alabama
KING OF THE RING
MAC Edition
Gray 37-5
Venkman 33-9
Poe 36-6
Northern Illinois at Buffalo
Gray: Northern Illinois
Venkman: Buffalo
Poe: Northern Illinois
Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Gray: Eastern Michigan. I find it absolutely delightful Michigan has so many directional schools and thus so many directional rivalry games. FEEL THE REGIONAL HATRED.
Venkman: Eastern Michigan
Poe: Western Michigan
Central Michigan at Ball State
Gray: Ball State. WHERE ARE SOUTHERN AND NORTHERN MICHIGAN?
Venkman: Central Michigan
Poe: Central Michigan
Temple at Bowling Green
Gray: Temple. Steve Addazio's team destroyed Maryland, who then nearly upset Clemson. What does that mean? Stay away from the ACC.
Venkman: Bowling Green
Poe: Temple
Ohio at Akron
Gray: Ohio
Venkman: Ohio
Poe: Ohio
Miami (OH) at Toledo
Gray: Toledo
Venkman: Toledo
Poe: Miami (OH)
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