Thursday, October 27, 2011

Game Watchability Ratings

With Alabama and LSU taking the week off to prepare for yet another game of the century (BRO, MICHIGAN/OHIO STATE 2006 WAS THE GAME OF THE CENTURY; HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST AFFLICTION T-SHIRT? HERE, LET ME TAKE OF MY STARTER JACKET AND SHOW YOU.), the SEC schedule this week is kind of, well, how do I say this without, oh, what the hell, it's full of pain and suffering. Despite this, we'll still watch because that's what something deep inside of us makes us do, even though we are rewarded with so little joy.

And, if you can't make it to a game, why would you even leave the house on a Saturday unless it's to acquire food and drink? I already leave the house the other six days, so if there's not a legitimate (read: life or death and even that's iffy) reason to leave, my ass is PLANTED in a chair or on the couch, watching games in which I hope everyone screws up.

However, if you're one of these people with additional responsibilities other than yourself, I would imagine your window for watching games is somewhat limited. To help you wade through this weekend's less-than-ideal slate of games, I've rated each game's watchability on a scale of one to five Les Miles Seal Claps.

A rating of five Les Miles Seal Claps indicates that a game will be highly entertaining/amusing based on gross incompetence and poor play that achieves laughable status (there's a very fine line between horrid poor play and laughable poor play, but you know it when you see it). A rating of one Les Miles Seal Clap means that a game will be uninteresting and cause you to be sad for everyone involved.

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
Arkansas' quarterback Tyler Wilson vowed this week that he would get the offense off to a quick start in the first half of games for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, staring him in the face this week is an 11:21 Jefferson Pilot game. At Vanderbilt. I'm sure it's written in the SEC bylaws somewhere, but it's well understood that no such thing will be accomplished on this day. Throw in Andre Ware talking for three and a half hours without saying a single, insightful thing, and UGH, this will be negative fun.

Georgia at Florida (in Jacksonville)
Rumors of a John Brantley return, the chance Todd Grantham gets off his leash, meats out, and further embarrasses Georgia and Mark Richt, and the possibility one of these teams finds a brutal way to collapse and lose this game (*cough* GEORGIA), the potential for excellence in incompetence and failure is sky high. I've probably never been this excited about watching a terrible game.

Ole Miss at Auburn
Auburn's offense is in the midst of its worst slump under the direction of Gus Malzahn. Lucky for them and unlucky for everyone else, the Ole Miss defense comes to town and will help restore the Tiger offense to a non-bumbling status. Watching Houston Nutt and David Lee wreck an offense once plays aren't scripted anymore is always a good time, and with Nutt, it's possible a fire could break out on the sideline at any time. By rule, all games in which Houston Nutt has a hand in the decision-making receive a minimum rating of three Les Miles Seal Clap, and can go up from there.

Mississippi State at Kentucky
Since the Auburn game, State has scored 28 total points in conference play. Kentucky has scored 20 points in three conference games. But, you have to be excited about a Morgan Newton interception or five.

South Carolina at Tennessee
I'm only watching for the Spurrier faces of exasperation, which, by rule, requires a minimum ranking of two Les Miles Seal Claps.

(Edited for mistakes related to 14 seconds of proofreading)


  1. Anonymous1:59 PM

    You have a chair ON your couch? Impressive.

  2. It's big in Europe right now.