Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.
1. A.J. McCarron
Replay official: "You will sooner see a racetrack full of unicorns jockeyed by leprechauns than a Nick Saban quarterback throw four touchdown passes in a game again."
2. Tyler Wilson
Dave Rowe: "Wow! What an arm on this young man! Bobby Petrino has got to be (mic cuts out)"
3. Connor Shaw
Dave Rowe: (mic still out)
4. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "No interceptions in how many attempts? Do they even play defense in the SEC anymore?"
5. Mark Richt
Joe Lee Dunn: "He runs a 3-4? It's a miracle they've won a game."
6. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: (Buzz Baker attempts to take over, but also experiences mic failure)
7. Nick Saban
Joe Lee Dunn: "Nick's a helluva defensive guy, but I don't buy into his philosophy of discipline. Got to have some freelancing in there."
8. Steve Spurrier
Replay official: "So has he come up with a list of who is and isn't allowed at his press conferences yet?"
9. Aaron Murray
Dave Neal: "Well, folks, we seem to be having audio problems. We'll get those corrected just as fast as we can. Meanwhile, it's 3rd and 29 for the Rebels on their own 11."
10. Jordan Jefferson
Dave Neal: "Just kidding. We're never going to get those audio problems fixed."
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 27-21-1 (.561)
South Carolina (-2.5) at Mississippi State
For a team that was expected to make some kind of leap by those who weren't paying attention last year, State's three victories have come over teams that are a combined 3-14 on the season. The only defenses against which State's offense has looked competent are those of the Memphis and Auburn Tigers (a round of applause for Ted Roof and fired Memphis defensive coordinator whose name I will not look up). And they needed overtime to beat a WAC team, and a quarterback change to inspire them to victory over a C-USA team that got drilled by Tulane 49-10 a few weeks before that.
I hope everyone is paying attention now. This is not a good team, nor were they last year. They made a living off beating bad teams and catching breaks against fellow average teams. And when you take two offensive linemen (one of whom was a first round pick), two starting linebackers, and the best defensive lineman away, THE RESULTING TEAM IS NOT GOING TO BE BETTER. Seriously, people, PAY ATTENTION.
As long as Connor Shaw isn't covered in the stink of Stephen Garcia poor decisions just by association, South Carolina should cover with a little room to spare. Their defense is good enough that it will continue to show everyone that Tyler Russell just isn't very good, and everyone will be reminded of how thankful we all should be that this game isn't the Thursday night ESPN game to open the season anymore. South Carolina to cover.
LSU (-16.5) at Tennessee
Tennessee can't run the ball, lost the one player that gave them a chance to move the ball, and is now lead by Phil Simms' son that is not named Chris. GOOD TIMES. This has pretty much been the perfect storm of a season for LSU's offense. Their defense and special teams have been so good in generating turnovers and creating outstanding field position, that their offense can operate on a junior high level. Power run, power run, power run, power run, throw it up, power run, power run, power run.
And that offense has size, power, and speed at all the right places, led by a quarterback who has learned to stop self-destructing. They haven't had to get creative or needed a drive to stay in or win the game, all of which put pressure on a pair of shaky quarterbacks, an offense not known for its ability put together a long series of successful plays, and a head coach who can generously be described as OH HEY LOOK A SHINY TIN CAN LET'S TAKE A LOOK. Not that any of this will change until the Alabama game, and nor should LSU try to change the formula, but I thought I'd point it out because there's nothing to talk about concerning this game. LSU to cover.
Alabama (-26) at Ole Miss
In full disclosure, I was leaning heavily in the direction of taking Ole Miss and the 26 points as late as yesterday. If my math is correct, and it probably isn't, Houston Nutt, dating back to his time at Arkansas, is 12-3 against the spread when his team is a double-digit underdog. Of course, I do not know if any of those teams lost their starting center, left guard, and one-time starting running back two days before any of those games. I'm gonna go ahead and say no. But, credit those suspensions for snapping me back into whatever form of reality in which I live. Pass me something flammable and let's burn the rest of this season to the ground. Alabama to cover.
Florida (-2) at Auburn
Ted Roof versus an offense with no quarterback. IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION? STOP PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEAD.
If you're in need of dozens upon dozens and dozens of rushing attempts to get your fix, I believe we may have found the game for you. As long as Florida isn't starting John Brantley, it doesn't matter who they start because he's not good. Barrett Trotter is experiencing the standard Chris Todd slide back to the mean after a few good showings against lesser competition. When combined, you have two offensive coordinators who are going to do everything in their power to not let any of the quarterbacks screw this thing up.
Based on Auburn's offense being well ahead of Florida's, and Ted Roof with a rare winnable matchup, I'll take Auburn and the points.
Georgia (-11) at Vanderbilt
Seriously, Steve Spurrier and Connor Shaw, if you screw this up and make us watch Georgia get slaughtered like an Old Testament goat in the SEC Championship game, I will send one, maybe two, VERY sarcastic Tweets your way. You think about that could mean in the long run. Georgia to cover.
*You will NOT double your paycheck.
MAN AGAINST BEAST
Peter Venkman
Season: 34-16 (.680)
South Carolina at Mississippi State
South Carolina. Ok, so Stephen Garcia is finally gone. But what does this really mean for the good folks of Columbia? Hide your daughters! Hide your wife! Garcia is primed to become that pathetic ex-footballer whose weekend starts on Wednesday night. (Not to be confused with an ex-Ghostbuster whose weekend starts on Wednesday. This is perfectly acceptable.)
LSU at Tennessee
LSU. Last week, Derek Dooley’s mother, Barbara, called in to an Athens radio show and said the following in defense of poor Derek: “Let me say this: Derek Dooley walked into a...kind of a mess. Florida, (Will Muschamp) walks in there with talent oozing out his ears. Jimbo Fisher walks into FSU with talent, and now you’re telling me that Derek Dooley is on a damn hot seat? Are you crazy? You know he played 17 freshmen against Florida? I just want to you to be nice and fair and know that you’ve probably got the greatest coach in the country and he’s gonna be there 25 years.”
In a related note, my mother and I had lunch yesterday during which we had a spirited conversation as to what is and is not an appropriate baby gift to give to my friends who are now having children. Oh, Mom, if you wanted me to chase our salads with Liquid Drano you could have just said so.
Not sure where I was going with that. I thought we were in the Trust Tree, in the Nest...are we not?
Alabama at Ole Miss
Bama. 42-0. I went to Gainesville two weeks ago, and last week I was able to watch the Vandy game from a friend’s skybox. I’m gonna be honest, it’s nice at the top. Drinks are sweeter, game dogs are tastier, my jokes are funnier, and I’m damn sure girls are prettier. Depart from me Oxford, for I never knew ye.
Florida at Auburn
Florida. I still need B. Trotts to make a late push for the Jevan Snead Award.
Georgia at Vanderbilt
UGA.
Mr. Blue
Season: 29-21 (.580)
Mississippi State
LSU
Alabama
Auburn
Vandy
POE VERSUS LOW
Cameron Poe
Season: 41-9 (.820)
South Carolina
LSU
Alabama
Auburn
Georgia
Chris Low
Season: 41-9 (.820)
Alabama
Georgia
LSU
Mississippi State
Auburn
KING OF THE RING
C-USA Edition
Gray 32-5
Venkman 29-8
Poe 32-5
Rice at Marshall
Gray: Marshall
Venkman: Marshall
Poe: Marshall
UCF at SMU
Gray: SMU
Venkman: SMU
Poe: SMU
UTEP at Tulane
Gray: UTEP. Don't let me down, Pappy Price. And stay out of the French Quarter pre-game.
Venkman: Tulane
Poe: Tulane
East Carolina at Memphis
Gray: East Carolina. If you and nine of your friends took over coaching duties at Memphis for the rest of the season, could you win as many or one more game than Larry Porter and his crew?
Venkman: East Carolina
Poe: East Carolina
UAB at Tulsa
Gray: Tulsa
Venkman: Tulsa
Poe: Tulsa
Larry Potter...from the Les Miles coaching tree...
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