South Carolina 14, Mississippi State 12
Thanks to some untimely car mechanics and those responsible for getting the right parts to the mechanics, I spent the hours of this game being told my car would be ready within the hour. I believe I heard that sentence five times before actually getting back my car in its repaired state. So, six hours at the car repair place? NOT GOOD TIMES AT ALL.
However, judging from the text messages I got, I was spared the unpleasantness of having to watch this alleged game of football. And I consider my six-hour shift at the car repair place a blessing, because if I had seen the intentional safety that ruined the cover after watching three and a half hours of crap, I would have wished I was trapped at a car repair place for six hours.
LSU 38, Tennessee 7
Earlier last week, Les Miles said in his press conference that LSU needed two quarterbacks to play because there are certain situations in which Jordan Jefferson makes their offense better. To that I say, WHAT SITUATIONS? The kicking game?
Jordan Jefferson in LSU's version of Enrique Davis. He stinks, has always stunk, and will continue to stink, yet will always continue to play. It doesn't make sense, nor will it ever, but in the minds of the head coaches, not playing them makes no sense.
My favorite sequence from this game was in the second quarter, as LSU took over at the Tennessee 36 after forcing a punt. After a one-yard run by Alfred Blue, the following happened:
-Jarrett Lee pass to Reuben Randle for 12 yards
-Jordan Jefferson run for 9 yards
-Jordan Jefferson run for 2 yards
-Jordan Jefferson sacked for loss of three
-Jordan Jefferson run for 2 yards
-Jarrett Lee touchdown pass to Spencer Ware for 13 yards
Successful play, followed by four plays to totally disrupt the rhythm of the offense, and one final successful play when LSU remembered, oh, right, we should probably score here. Oh, how I wish my team had enough good players and fortune to run this line of bullshit out every week and still be successful.
Alabama 52, Ole Miss 7
It jumped up a bit in the third quarter didn't it? I mean, that really got out of hand fast. Trent Richardson killed a guy. Perhaps with a trident. And though the Ole Miss defense offered little to no resistance, I'd like to remind everyone, including Alabama, that the Crimson Tide's 615 yards of total offense fell 46 yards short of the 661 passing yards the 2003 Ole Miss defense allowed to Mike Leach's Texas Tech team. SO SUCK ON THAT. No total yardage national championship for you!
One of the only good parts about Ole Miss being so bad is that it's really hard to get fully invested emotionally in games. Of course I was thrilled with how well the opening drive of the game went, even wondering if I had been asleep for 20 years and woke up in 2031 with an Ole Miss team taking it to Alabama, but I knew the good times weren't going to last. So, very rarely do I get extremely angry during these games. But, it happened twice in this game and both times involved Enrique Davis.
This one alone should be a fireable offense. Alabama takes a 17-7 lead with less than 90 seconds to play until halftime. Ole Miss responds with a great kickoff return to the Alabama 38 with 1:14 remaining. One timeout left, the crowd is alive, a momentum swing has occurred, so what play do we dial up? A RUN WITH ENRIQUE DAVIS, who had two carries total before that play. No scoring took place on that drive.
Fourth quarter, garbage time, a fourth and goal from the Alabama one, and a chance to take something positive out of an all-out ass-kicking. Who gets the ball? Our worst short-yardage back on the team, ENRIQUE DAVIS. In typical fashion, he also lost a yard, bringing his totals for the day to seven carries for minus three yards. Can't wait until he gets 10 carries next week.
Look, I don't hate Enrique Davis. I think he is a bad football player, but it's not his fault he keeps inexplicably playing. No player is ever going to tell a coach, don't play me, I'm not good enough. They all want to play. So when I'm ranting like a lunatic about Davis playing, my anger is directed at Houston Nutt. Only God knows why Houston Nutt continues to play Davis, and even He probably doesn't understand why.
Auburn 17, Florida 6
Easily one of the most awful games of the year. Just complete and total offensive incompetency. The two questions I have coming out of this game are, can Urban Meyer really recruit, and has Gus Malzahn been solved or are Auburn's quarterbacks so bad there's nothing he can do.
First, the Urban Meyer question. The majority of the guys on the field for Florida are Meyer recruits. They have no receivers, no quarterback, and no running back that can run inside. Meyer won his national championship with Ron Zook's defensive line and offensive skill players. After that, he had Tebow (his recruit) and more Zook talent, mixed with a few of his guys. Florida wasn't good last year, and they're certainly not good this year, even with John Brantley. I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe Penn State and Ohio State should tap the breaks for a second in their alleged pursuit of Meyer.
As for Malzahn, hey, that Cam Newton was pretty amazing, no? Malzahn's system, like all systems, looks much better when a Cam Newton is running the show, but even it doesn't appear to be immune from being rendered ineffective when it has no quarterback. Barrett Trotter is awful. Clint Mosley, while looking better than Trotter, only looked better than Trotter, which is the only nice thing I can think to say. And the lesson to be learned here is, even Gus Malzahn needs Trooper Taylor and his bags full of money.
Speaking of Trooper, this is just one of many reasons why everyone hates him.
Georgia 33, Vanderbilt 28
Everyone keeps mentioning how Mark Richt must have done something right with the right entity because his each of his main competitors in the SEC East has sustained at least one crushing injury. South Carolina has lost Garcia to removal from the team and Marcus Lattimore to an awful knee injury, Tennessee saw Tyler Bray and Justin Hunter go down with injuries, and Florida is missing Jeff Demps and John Brantley, who, while not an exceptional player, at least gave the Gators a chance to overcome the pile of suck in the East.
I can see how those could be considered breaks for Richt and Georgia, and they are, at least in the short term, but I consider them long-term breaks for the rest of us. Most likely, Georgia will win nine, possibly ten games this season, and if South Carolina loses once more, they move into first in the East. If that happens, Richt's employment at Georgia will continue. He'll stay there and prevent Georgia from becoming the 800-pound gorilla program it should be, which is good news for the other 11 teams in the SEC (you don't count yet, Texas A&M).
Instead of presenting a challenge to LSU and Alabama, he be running a program that can always win nine or ten games, beat no one of significance, and have his jackass defensive coordinator nearly come to blows with the head coach of a horrible Vanderbilt team.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Trent Richardson, Alabama
17 carries, 183 yards, 4 TDs
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
6-20, 128 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INT
JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
That he stopped himself from jumping off the top of the stadium both at halftime and after the game is the sole reason for giving him the nod here.
2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season
1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Morgan Newton 7
2. Aaron Murray 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
6. Chris Relf 5
6. Larry Smith 5
8. Tyler Wilson 3
8. Tyler Russell 3
10. John Brantley 3
10. Tyler Bray 2
10. A.J. McCarron 2
10. Matt Simms 2
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Season: 30-23-1 (.564)
MAN AGAINST BEAST
Season: 38-17 (.690)
Season: 32-23 (.552)
POE VERSUS LOW
Season: 46-9 (.836)
Season: 45-10 (.818)
KING OF THE RING
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Auburn at LSU
Barrett Trotter? Clint Mosley? Does it matter? Will Trooper Taylor wave his towel in Mike the Tiger's face? Will Mike the Tiger eat Trooper Taylor?
Tennessee at Alabama
Can Matt Simms double his interception total of two? Can he triple it? Will Trent Richardson have another run that serves as a not-so-casual reminder that he's the best running back in the country?