Note: While writing this, I dropped four Tyler Bray passes that I should have intercepted.
LSU 19, Mississippi State 6
10:08 to go in the game, LSU leads 16-6, State, while not dead in the water, but certainly treading in it, pulls its starting quarterback in favor of a backup who has done nothing in his career to make anyone think he's going to lead a successful scoring drive. Look, I know, and have mentioned at least 2,384 times, that Chris Relf can't throw vertically with any degree of accuracy, and at that point in the game vertical throwing was required. But you don't pull arguably your best offensive player off the field for the most important possession of the game, essentially saying to a dominant defense, "Hey, guys, WE'RE GOING TO THROW NOW" (unless your name is Houston Nutt).
Tyler Russell's plays from the two drives before the garbage time drive (excluding one punt):
-Vick Ballard rush for five yard loss
And that was the game. Odds are Chris Relf doesn't get it done either, but going back to last week against Auburn, he got the ball back down 14 with eight and a half minutes left and almost pulled it off. Now, LSU's defense is a kabillioninfinity times better than Ted Roof's atrocity, but not giving Relf a chance makes as much sense as letting Tyson Lee have the option to keep the ball on a fourth and goal from the one.
Clemson 38, Auburn 24
Seriously, Gus, WHAT DO YOU WANT? IT'S YOURS. JUST NAME YOUR PRICE.
Part of my sales pitch to Malzahn would be that, in three years, when he's ready to leave Ole Miss for more money and a higher profile job, the Auburn job will probably be open because Chizik, without a Malzahn, is Ed Orgeron without an accent. So, if he really enjoys being at Auburn, take a two or three-year vacation, see another part of the world, then come back.
Vanderbilt 30, Ole Miss 7
I'll have more to say about Ole Miss later, but, for now, if Ole Miss chancellor Dan Jones gives a shit at all about Ole Miss, he tells Pete Boone to fire Houston Nutt immediately, then offers Boone the chance to resign or be fired. Then, he sets out to find an athletic director who has no ties to Ole Miss, but has run an athletic department or has been the number two at a big athletic department. That person is charged with finding the next coach at Ole Miss. Not Dan Jones or any other member of the GOB network, but the new AD. He can use one of those coach search firms if he sees fit, but the decision is his. Its success or failure rests solely on him.
As for this game, try to remember that Vanderbilt still stinks. There will be plenty of hype about the 3-0 Commodores, but trust me, they stink. So, yes, Ole Miss really is that bad. I don't know if we will score a touchdown in conference play that is not in garbage time. And if any member of our offensive line successfully pass blocks, they should be given the damn Rimington Trophy.
Georgia 59, Coastal Carolina 0
How bad is Ole Miss? The initial line in Vegas for the Georgia game had the Bulldogs favored by 6.5 points. Within a few hours, it jumped to 11.
Florida 33, Tennessee 23
If Florida's defensive backs were not playing defense with iron skillets as hands, it would be Tyler Bray who would be leading the conference in interceptions and not Zack Stoudt. I counted seven passes that hit Florida defenders in the hands. Had the ball not made a clanging noise when it hit them, Tennessee could have been looking at a four-touchdown loss.
Bray has a strong arm and can throw passes into a tight window, but his decision-making process is going to bite Tennessee in the ass and IT WILL BE GLORIOUS. Also, John Brantley has officially achieved "I hope he doesn't screw this up" status for Florida fans and coaches.
South Carolina 24, Navy 21
Things with Steven Garcia are going so well that Spurrier had to give the ball, in the third game of the season, to Marcus Lattimore 37 times in order to win. Luckily for South Carolina, the meat of the schedule doesn't start until the middle of October, but great Odin's raven, Lattimore is going to be a 65-year old running back when he's 22. And a note to all the other SEC teams, don't schedule a triple option team ever. Sucks to be you, Georgia.
Louisville 24, Kentucky 17
I thought about watching the second half of this, but instead drank a bottle of Liquid Drano. Incidentally, that will be my drink of choice when Kentucky and Ole Miss play on November 5th.
Arkansas 38, Troy 28
Troy's quarterback attempted 63 passes, which equaled the number of sarcastic "die in your sleep" smirks that Bobby Petrino gave his players.
Alabama 41, North Texas 0
Rough week for the Sun Belt. Aw, hell, who are we kidding. Tough existence for the Sun Belt.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Chris Rainey, Florida
21 carries, 108 yards
2 catches, 104 yards, TD
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Houston Nutt for Zack Stoudt's 13-26, 139 yards, 1 TD, 5 INTs
JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Took Jarrett Lee on the road and dominated, which has probably never been done before. At least not on this planet. Not sure about Les' home planet.
2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season
1. Zack Stoudt 5
2. Morgan Newton 4
3. Stephen Garcia 3
4. Chris Relf 2
4. Barrett Trotter 2
4. Larry Smith 2
4. Aaron Murray 2
4. Tyler Bray 2
4. John Brantley 2
4. Tyler Wilson 2
4. A.J. McCarron 2
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Season: 16-12-1 (.569)
MAN AGAINST BEAST
Season: 23-8 (.742)
Season: 19-11 (.633)
POE VERSUS LOW
Season: 24-6 (.800)
Season: 24-6 (.800)
KING OF THE RING
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at Alabama
Is Bobby Petrino already upset with someone? Is Tyler Wilson practicing picking himself off the ground? Will Nick Saban turn this game into a hammer fight?
LSU at West Virginia
Now that West Virginia sells beer in its stadium, prepare for sales records to be shattered and never surpassed after this weekend. And a note to West Virginia stadium officials: Don't be like the Cotton Bowl a few years back and underestimate the drive for alcohol from rabid SEC fans. I forget if it was the '04 or '08 Cotton Bowl, but the Ole Miss side of the stadium was completely out of beer by the end of the first quarter. Whatever you think is enough, triple that order.