Friday, September 16, 2011

Week Three Power Poll and Picks


Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Ted Roof
Joe Lee Dunn: "I tell ya, the boy doesn't appear to have a lick of aggression in his body, but his strategy of waiting for the other team to screw up seems to be working."

2. Joker Phillips
Dave Rowe: "Gutty win by Joker and the Wildcats. Central Michigan really (static noise covers rest of comment)

3. Houston Nutt
Replay official: "Can't wait for Houston to wildly challenge a play that's not even close. It'll cost him the game and the shred of good favor he has left at Ole Miss."

4. David Lee
Dave Rowe: "David Lee is one of the most innovative minds in all of football! And he hates the quarterback sneak, which is the worst play in football!"

5. Tyrone Nix
Joe Lee Dunn: "Now here's someone with some aggression. My kind of guy. Full house, casino blitzes in obvious blitzing downs. No other way to live."

6. Barrett Trotter
Joe Lee Dunn: "If I could just have one crack at him, oh, man. They'd be picking him out of the grass. Someone would probably score, but they'd be picking up the pieces of him after."

7. Tyler Bray
Dave Rowe: "WOW!!!!"

8. James Franklin
Replay official: "You really think we're going to let Vandy get some momentum? Enjoy your stay here, Mr. Franklin."

9. Stephen Garcia
Joe Lee Dunn: "If you can't understand how or why a quarterback operates, you're dealing with doubt, which is very dangerous. So, when in doubt, blitz everyone."

10. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "A fake punt from his own 32? The Ball Coach isn't afraid of anything! Except maybe the back nine at Augusta!"


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 12-8-1 (.595)

Auburn (+3.5) at Clemson
The one-year anniversary of the first proclaimed God-thing win. After Clemson led 17-3 at halftime, Auburn woke up and ripped off 21 straight points. Clemson added a fourth quarter touchdown to force overtime, where they promptly missed an open receiver in the end zone and the field goal try that soon followed. Auburn did not miss their field goal.

Chizik told ESPN's sideline reporter that tonight was "a God-thing." Then he did this:

Ric Flair approved of that WHOOOOOO!!!

As for this game, let's see...

/checks to see if Dabo Swinney is still coaching Clemson
/laughs
/laughs
/laughs
/checks again to make sure he really is
/snort-laughs

I'll take Auburn and the points.

Ole Miss (-2) at Vanderbilt
Here is the most damning sentence ever written about Tyrone Nix and Houston Nutt:

"Larry Smith has shown that the one SEC team he can beat is Ole Miss."

I'm not sure Larry Smith would even be a good high school quarterback right now, but against Ole Miss he turns into skinny, black Tebow with a worse arm. And it's not because he elevates his game, no, it's because we are terrible.

Ole Miss has no identity on offense, an offensive line that admits it can't block a 3-4 scheme or defenses that stunt, and, as predicted, is playing two quarterbacks because its coaches can't make up their minds. GLAD WE'RE WORKING THIS STUFF OUT AS WE GO.

Let me tell you how this is going to go. Vandy is going to run read-option plays over and over again until they hit a few big plays, which they will. It's amazing that one type of play is going to run Tyrone Nix out of coordinating defenses for the rest of his career, but it will. Ole Miss will spend two and a half quarters farting around, running this play and that one, oooh, and that one over there, with no particular direction in mind, just running plays. A rally will get started late in the third quarter, but ultimately fall short because we have no clue what the hell we are doing.

Vanderbilt and the two points, please.

Coastal Carolina at Georgia (-28.5)



I'll be amazed if Coastal Carolina shows up with everyone wearing the same uniform. Georgia to cover.

Tennessee at Florida (-9.5)
Neither team has played anyone yet (Cincinnati does not count; they won four games last year), so who knows what the hell is going to happen here. I know I don't. Vegas seems high on the Gators, who, given the history of their team, are also probably high right now, but as long as my eyes don't deceive me, I notice that John Brantley is still playing quarterback for Florida.

While people who have subjected themselves to watching FAU and UAB play Florida say that Brantley looks much improved, would you trust him to cover a game by 10? Tyler Bray, of the gunslinger variety, has played exceptionally well thus far, but against far inferior competition. But, notice the word "gunslinger" and, coupled with everyone on God's green earth anointing him the next great SEC quarterback, thus convincing him his shit doesn't stink, can you trust him not to throw three or four passes to the other team trying to fit a pass in a window the size of a quarter?

THIS IS WHY GAMBLING IS SO HARD.

I've convinced myself to take Florida under the notion that I think Tennessee's defense to be a little soft and slow, which is a bad combination going against Florida's speedy rushers. That, and I do not trust Tyler Bray, mostly because we've never met, partially because of his jazz stars back tattoo, and a tiny bit because he's got a four interception game in him somewhere.

Navy at South Carolina (-17)
South Carolina is 2-0 and, except for Marcus Lattimore and a few big plays, has not looked good.  Stephen Garcia looks completely out of sorts (more than usual) and its defense is hemorrhaging points.  However,  the defense catches a break this week, with a one-dimensional offense in Navy.  It's a disciplined and successful offense, but South Carolina will possess athletic superiority across the board.  I expect them to give a few big plays because that's what South Carolina does, but I don't think we're going to see Navy throw up 30+ points.

So that puts the burden of the cover on the Gamecock offense.  Navy has played Delaware and Western Kentucky so far, so they haven't experienced this year the power and speed they'll see on Saturday.  And two of their cornerbacks put together probably aren't as big as Alshon Jeffery.  Against my better judgment, I'm casting my lot with an what I think will be an improved South Carolina offense and taking them to cover.

Louisville at Kentucky (-6.5)
Most amazing fact about this game:  Someone is going to win.  Maybe.  And based on a betting strategy I just made up, which says, always take the points in a game involving two bad teams, I'm taking Louisville.

Troy at Arkansas (-23.5)
I like Arkansas' chances of making it through the first three games outscoring its opponents by a combined score of 155-17.  Arkansas and the cover.

North Texas at Alabama (-45.5)
Oh, if only this were true.  AND MAYBE IT IS. 
Alabama to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck.


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 16-7 (.696)

Clemson
Vanderbilt
Georgia
Florida
South Carolina
Kentucky
Arkansas
Alabama


Mr. Blue
Season: 14-9 (.609)

Clemson
Stared down both slices, slowly walked over to Clemson’s beef, gave one last look to Auburn before destroying Clemson.

Vandy
No one, man or beast, has ever taken down this much meat in the name of Vanderbilt University.

UGA
Blue actually farted on his way over to the Bulldog meat.

Florida
Ate Florida, leaned back and licked his red rocket, then made no attempt to eat Volunteer beef.

Navy
Left the kitchen, rolled his bed up like a taco, made love to aforementioned taco-bed, then polished off Navy.

Inconclusive
Glanced at both meats, then walked into my closet and went to sleep

Troy

Alabama
Ate Bama, then part of North Texas before dropping half of North Texas in his water bowl.


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 20-3 (.870)

Auburn at Clemson
This year's game will be even more gut wrenching for the Upstate Tigers. Clemson will lose this game when the holder fumbles the snap on a last-second 22-yard game-winning field goal try. (35-34 Auburn)

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
This game is too miserable to think about. The "JP Game of the Week Memorial Trophy" heads back to Oxford this year. (14-13 OM)

Coastal Carolina at Georgia
Both of these teams play like Cats. (45-0 UGA)

Tennessee at Florida
I hope Dooley rocks the orange pants in the Swamp. I don't think the pants will help on the scoreboard, though. (21-17 Gators)

Navy at South Carolina
I have absolutely nothing to say about this game. (35-10 Cocks)

Louisville at Kentucky
Two of the worst BCS conference teams battle to be the best team in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. What's the deal with a Commonwealth? It's sounds communist to me. I'm glad I live in a state. As for the game, I feel sorry for anyone who has to watch that pile of shit. (20-14 UK)

Troy at Arkansas
Arkansas has enjoyed a poo poo platter of opponents during the first 3 weeks of the season. (56-14 hogs)

North Texas v. Alabama
I feel a little better about the quarterback position after last week's game. Chest tattoo boy looked cool, calm, and collected in a what was a very hostile environment. I am back on board after jumping off of the wagon during the Kent State game. Did you hear me, AJ? I'm buying in to you even though you have a chest tattoo, so don't be an asshole and play like shit this week. (42-7 Bama)


Chris Low
Season: 20-3 (.870)

Alabama
Arkansas
Georgia
Kentucky
South Carolina
Ole Miss
Auburn
Florida


KING OF THE RING
C-USA Edition
Gray 12-1
Venkman 12-1
Poe 13-0

Tulane at UAB
Gray: UAB. Can we gamble on the number of Tulane fans to make the trip? Surely it'll be no more than 30, right? I expect UAB will triple that number.
Venkman: UAB. If Legion Field collapsed during a game with no one in attendance, would it still make a sound?
Poe: UAB

UCF at Florida International
Gray: FIU. I saw a highlight of one FIU player who looked faster than everyone else. Granted, they were playing Louisville and everyone is faster than that, but color me impressed.
Venkman: Pretty sure I thought these two were the same school for the first 25 years of my life.
Poe: FIU

Marshall at Ohio
Gray: Ohio. While I love McConaughey, I don't want him coaching my football team. Leading me on a treasure hunt in the Sahara for a Confederate ironclad? Absolutely. But football team, no.
Venkman: Marshall. I’d run through a brick wall for Matthew Mcconaughey, and so would you.
Poe: Ohio

Austin Peay at Memphis
Gray: Austin Peay. I just believe in the perfect season for Memphis.
Venkman: Memphis. I’ve looked into this, and it may be more cost-effective to encase the Liberty Bowl in a massive pyramid and call it The Tomb of Doom Part Deux.
Poe: Austin Peay

Houston at LA Tech
Gray: Houston. Someone tell Kevin Sumlin to send his resume to Oxford, please.
Venkman: Houston. Phi Slamma Jamma baby!
Poe: Houston

SE Louisiana at Southern Miss.
Gray: USM. My favorite part about Hattiesburg is using the bypass to go around most of Hattiesburg.
Venkman: USM
Poe: USM

UTEP at New Mexico St.
Gray: UTEP. Never give up, Pappy Price.
Venkman: New Mexico State
Poe: UTEP. Did you know that this a rivalry game? I sure as hell did not. This is the "Sonic Battle of Interstate-10." I bet the trophy is a piece of asphalt.

Northwestern State at SMU
Gray: SMU. I think it's about time the AD at Northwestern State called the Shrimp Boat Captain and asked him to come home.
Venkman: SMU. If you think Craig James is a tool now, watch Pony Excess.
Poe: SMU

Oklahoma State at Tulsa
Gray: Oklahoma State
Venkman: Oklahoma State
Poe: Oklahoma State

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:25 PM

    Poe is a fucking hack.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cyrus the Virus?

    ReplyDelete