An Intense Study of the Tom Brady UGG Commercial

Tom Brady’s boots are lined with sheepskin. His pants are lined with poo.
By Peter Venkman

0:01-0:04
As soon as Tom’s dainty feet hit the floor he’s in his furry house slippers. I’m going to assume Gisele is still lying in bed looking all kinds of Brazilian.

0:05-0:06
Tom makes his way down a hallway, then we get a brief glimpse as he passes over an oriental rug. Interesting note, the aforementioned rug is identical to the rug in front of my desk here in my home-office (this is the very loosest interpretation of the word office). At this time I’d like to stop and compile a list of the other ways in which Tom’s life and my own are identical:

1. We both have testicles.
2. We live in the United States of America

(that's pretty much it)

0:07
Quick shot of Tom descending a flight of stairs in bowling shoes.

0:08-0:13
Now in work-boots, Tom wanders around aimlessly in three different suburban neighborhoods. Though nice, these upscale Bostonian homes would list in the range of 600-900k. Tom is either high or buying a home for a member of his family or entourage.

0:14-0:22
Back in those strange, elfish-looking sneakers, but here’s where things get interesting. TB12 breaks into a trot in the middle of the sidewalk, comes to a complete stop, then busts out some kind of five-step drop/karaoke hybrid move.

0:23
Boots on the ground.

0:24
A rocket scientist over at UGG decided they might want to get a couple shots of Tom’s face for their money.

0:25
Brady points what looks like a piece of his own poo at the camera.

0:26
Ok, that might be a stick. No word yet on whether or not the tuck-rule applies to poo-sticks.

0:27
Who knew one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever live throws sticks like a girl.

3. We both throw poo-sticks like a girl.

0:27-0:28
Mangy-looking dog running next to Brady. Since UGG is based out of Australia, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that this is a dingo.

0:29
TB is jogging again. Either the dingo has turned on him, or he just made another poo-stick in his jeans.

0:30
Still looking for that Port-a-John.

0:31
Back in the brown sneaks. Still running. At least he changed his poo-pants.

0:32
In a bold fashion move, Tom has opted for Han Solo’s jacket from The Empire Strikes Back.

0:33-0:36
Dizzying shots of Link’s boots from Legend of Zelda.

0:37
Han Solo in the city (not the one in the clouds that is run by Billy Dee Williams hopped up on Colt 45).

0:41-0:42
Tom found a merry-go-round.

0:42
Exits a silver Corvette (wtf?) in his Sons of Anarchy boots while carrying an old-timey doctor’s bag.

0:44-0:46
More stairs.

0:47-0:49
Headphones head shot.

0:53
After traipsing through a locker decked in rich mahogany, Tom sits alone in the corner. No one will go near him in those skid-marked poo-jeans.

0:56
“You’re damned right I poo’d my pants!”