Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.
1. Ted Roof
Joe Lee Dunn: "38 points to Utah State? I once gave up 45 to Kentucky. The next week I blitzed 139 times. Did we win? Of course not. That was at the end of the Sherrill era. But we sure as hell didn't give up no 45 points."
2. Joker Phillips
Dave Rowe: "Haha! What a great win for Kentucky over Western Kentucky! They wanted to win the game AND THEY DID!"
3. Morgan Newton
Dave Rowe: "Courageous performance by Morgan! It wasn't going well, but he hung in there and made some great plays to beat a quality Western Kentucky team."
4. Connor Shaw
Replay official: "Had I gotten the chance, I would have helped him out."
5. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: "As a former offensive lineman, Les Miles is okay in my book!"
6. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "If I ever played a Jarrett Lee, I'd have used my 1-9-1, made up of all defensive ends. Still would have blitzed nine, but his pre-snap reads would have been a bitch."
7. John Brantley
Dave Rowe: "Anyone once coached by the great Urban Meyer HAS to be an excellent quarterback!"
8. Stephen Garcia
Dave Rowe: "I appreciate how this young man has cleaned himself up!"
9. Zack Stoudt
Dave Rowe: "He may not have won, but this young man played some impressive football! Ole Miss should expect big things from uh, well, uh...."
(loses train of thought)
10. James Carmon
Joe Lee Dunn: "A left tackle who has never played left tackle before?"
/passes out with smile on face
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using the Las Vegas Hilton line, or if not listed there, some line found on a site where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl.
Last week: 6-6
Season: 6-6 (.500)
Central Michigan at Kentucky (-10.5)
The betting public has little faith in the Wildcats, as this line opened at -14 and collapsed three and a half points just like that. And nor should they have faith. I watched the better part of two quarters of the game against Western Kentucky and it may go down as the worst game of the year. Offense? NO. Incompletions? DOZENS. Punts? HUNDREDS. I really can't get over how awful Kentucky's offense was. Perhaps they assumed 25% of the playbook could get them by the Hilltoppers, but until I see a flicker of competency, give me the Chippewas and the points.
Mississippi State (-7) at Auburn
The first real test for left tackle James Carmon and everyone associated with State's team. As much as I enjoy pointing out Ted Roof's inability to coach defense, I look for them to have their stuff a little more in order, mostly out of pride, but somewhat out of they can't be that bad (or so I think). State will be able to score, but Auburn will do the same, as the Bulldogs will find out they really miss KJ Wright, Chris White, and Pernell McPhee on defense. In a fairly tight game, I'll take the seven points.
Alabama (-10) at Penn State
This cover is dependent on Alabama's quarterback (s; even Saban is not above Spurrier tactics) not throwing interceptions. Alabama's defense will keep this one under control, but it's up to the offense to get me my 11-point win I need. DON'T SCREW ME HERE, A.J. MCCARRON AND/OR PHILLIP SIMS.
Cincinnati at Tennessee (-5)
A trendy upset pick this week, Cincinnati even has people (you know, "people" out there and stuff) saying it will win the game outright. NOT BUYING IT. I'm basing this decision on the trendy upsets I usually get behind, then watch that team shit the bed. Vols to cover.
South Carolina (-3) at Georgia
I'm sure there's a saying somewhere about a coach backed into a corner being dangerous. And this may be true, but not when that coach is Mark Richt and he has an offensive line that can't block. Yes, the South Carolina defense gave up 37 to East Carolina, but it's hard to get ready for the Pirates when you're picking up golf balls on the practice field (perfect grass and the pitching wedge always needs fine-tuning). As long as Spurrier doesn't decide that Connor Shaw needs to get some third quarter action because he threw the ball well in practice two weeks ago, South Carolina should cover.
Southern Illinois at Ole Miss
After 10 minutes of searching, no line could be found. For fun, let's play over/under total first down runs by Ole Miss. I'll say all of them.
New Mexico at Arkansas (-36)
Interesting fact: New Mexico, during its 1-11 effort last year, never scored more than 34 points in a game. They did that once, and the next most points scored in a game hit 23. Razorbacks and the cover.
UAB at Florida (-23)
Bad team on the road against a team that figured out last week it CAN score on bad teams and such practice is not outlawed by the NCAA (not that rules have ever stopped a college football program from doing something it shouldn't). Florida to cover.
UConn at Vanderbilt (-1.5)
This line actually opened at UConn -5.5, so I understand nothing about the public loving Vanderbilt so much that a betting line shifted seven points in less than a week. I also understand nothing about someone who willingly bets ON Vanderbilt in a game in which they are not playing Ole Miss. I'll take the Huskies and the points.
Northwestern State at LSU
Again, no line. So, for our personal entertainment, will Jarrett Lee throw a touchdown pass to the other team? Will Northwestern State score for the first time ever against LSU? Sadly, no and no.
/boos self
*You will NOT double your paycheck
MAN AGAINST BEAST
Peter Venkman
Last week: 10-2
Season: 10-2
Central Michigan at Kentucky
Central Michigan. The Chippewas’ Director of Football Operations is a 61 year-old gentleman named Plas Presnell. With 28 years of experience under six different head coaches, Plas knows that on the road you get two chicken breasts instead of one and full goose-down comforters in the hotel. Look for the Chippewas to be well-fed and rested.
Mississippi State at Auburn
MSU. Barrett Trotter, the bell tolls for thee.
Alabama at Penn State
Alabama. Is there a better advertisement for the Howard Johnson's? The answer is no.
Cincinnati at Tennessee
Tennessee. Nice call on those orange slacks douchebag.
(Ed: How dare you. Coaches showing non-coach robotic behavior should be showered with praise.)
South Carolina at Georgia
Georgia. Mark Richt IS Rasputin.
Southern Illinois at Ole Miss
Ole Miss. "Paws in the air, Rebel fans!"
UAB at Florida
Florida. “You Could Be The Spark That Starts The BLAZE!” - but not this week, Blazer fans.
Arkansas
UConn
LSU
Mr. Blue
Last week: 6-6
Season: 6-6
Kentucky
Auburn
Penn State
Tennessee
Southern Illinois
Georgia
Arkansas
Florida
Vandy
LSU
POE AGAINST LOW
Last week: 11-1
Season: 11-1
The fact that this post is being written on my iPhone while I'm sitting at a bar in Tupelo, Mississippi will not prevent me from owning Chris Low for the second straight week.
Central Michigan at Kentucky
Other than Memphis, Kentucky was the worst team I saw all weekend. Directional Michigan school gets the big SEC win. (14-6)
MSU v Auburn
Last week's game was God-win number one for the Tigers. Only 5 more to go for bowl eligibility. While Auburn looked like shit, State looked great as they beat the hell out of Memphis. Last week's play makes State an easy pick here, right? Not so fast my friend! I'm going with God's team until I'm convinced they have fallen out of favor with the man upstairs. (29-28 Auburn)
Alabama v Penn State
I'm going to this game and will bring a full road trip report back to the Beast. Bama's quarterbacks sucked ass last week. I'm writing them off for the season. This will be a sloppy, low scoring game. (20-10 Bama)
Cincy v. Tenn
Derek Dooley wore orange pants last week. I hope he wears checkerboard pants this week. (24-20 UT)
(Ed: Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!)
South Carolina v Georgia
Georgia quit on Mark Richt before the season even started. I had doubts about their ability to beat Boise, but I thought they would at least go down swinging. What a pathetic performance. I don't see how Mark Richt survives. Teams that quit on their coach don't bounce back the next week (e.g. every game Ed Orgeron ever coached). Unless the Ole Ball Coach starts Connor Shaw again, the Gamecocks roll. (USC 38-24)
Southern Illinois v. Ole Miss
The Rebs would be in trouble if this was a basketball game. Fortunately, it's football and SIU is a I-AA school. Oh wait, wasn't Jax State . . .(Rebs 28-14)
New Mexico v Arkansas
Breaking Bad is a great show set in New Mexico. It cannot be said that the Lobos are a great football team from New Mexico. (49-0 Hogs)
UAB v Florida
This game will be over by halftime, which means that Charlie Weis can hit the press box buffet in the third quarter. (31-7 Gators)
UCONN v Vandy
This would be interesting if it were a basketball game. (20-10 UCONN)
Northwestern State v LSU
Jarrett Lee was praised for his play against Oregon even though he threw for less than 100 yards and completed less than 50% of his passes. I guess it was because he didn't throw a pick six (49-2 LSU)
Last week: 10-2
Season: 10-2
LSU
Arkansas
Ole Miss
Kentucky
Vandy
Tennessee
Florida
Mississippi State
Alabama
South Carolina
KING OF THE RING
Mountain West Edition
Gray 6-1
Venkman 7-0
Poe 7-0
San Diego State at Army
Gray: SDSU. Maybe Marshall Faulk's kid plays there now. If he has a kid. And a kid who plays football in college.
Venkman: SDSU
Poe: SDSU
Northern Colorado at Colorado State
Gray: CSU. The team that didn't have its punter stab someone.
Venkman: CSU
Poe: CSU
TCU at Air Force
Gray: TCU. Rebound? WHY NOT.
Venkman: Air Force
Poe: TCU
UNLV at Washington State
Gray: WSU. Already equaling last year's win total.
Venkman: WSU
Poe: WSU
Texas State at Wyoming
Gray: Wyoming. Hard to go against the team whose stadium was used by FNL's Coach Taylor's one-time employer, but that's what they get for making him only the quarterbacks coach.
Venkman: Wyoming
Poe: Wyoming
New Mexico at Arkansas
Arkansas
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