Thursday, September 22, 2011

Missourah Sends The SEC A Gift Basket

If Michael Scott taught us anything, it's that morons are always in charge and gift baskets are the way business works (also:  don't trust your GPS).  Taking that line of thought, Missourah (if they're ever going to join the SEC, then we get to call them Missourah; way more fun to say) made sure the SEC knew that the Tigers were very interested in doing permanent business with the SEC by sending commissioner Mike Slive a lovely basket of gifts on Wednesday (and yes, it did reek of "PLEASE DON'T FORGET US").

Though it appears expansion talk and action has settled down for the moment, much like Houston Nutt's firing, the termination date of the Big 12 is a question of when, not if.  However, as usual, no one knows the entire story, so things could shift in the next 20 minutes or 20 years.  But, based on Tigers' coach Gary Pinkel's comments, I'd lean in the direction of 20 minutes.
"'s also really sad that this league … there's no other league in the nation that's dealing with this kind of stuff. It's (Texas A&M) the third member we've lost in two years. Obviously we've got problems in our league and we don't fix them. So, it's embarrassing. And it's sad because it has such great potential."
While the hour of destruction in not known, we do know the offerings delivered by the Tigers to the commissioner's office in Birmingham.  Peering through the cellophane,  the Tigers may be in need of hearing, "We'll be in touch (we promise!) soon."

Old people, and there are plenty of them in the South, eat this place up with the same vigor they reserve for $5.99 early bird specials, which are abundant in Branson.

2007 Kansas City Royals
Not the poster seen here, but the actual team. After going 69-93 that season, most of the players are out of work and in need of a job to give their lives some structure and discipline, and the SEC office always needs interns.

Todd Haley
The Tigers know Ole Miss will soon be in need of a new coach, and what better replacement than an overmatched ex-NFL coach.

Anti-Kansas shirts
Trying to capitalize on the SEC fans who have driven to Colorado to go skiing and had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing all of I-70 in Kansas, these shirts offer SEC fans and Missourah fans the chance to bond over a common enemy. Granted, SEC fans will never hate Kansas with the unbridled passion as those in the Show-Me State, but HOLY SHIT DOES I-70 SUCK.

Copies of the Oregon Trail computer game
If you recall, the game starts in Independence, Missouri before you head out into the unknown of the old American frontier. And yes, they should have stopped making computer games after this one. I beat this game once at school when I was in the fifth grade and I consider it my greatest achievement in life until I finally beat the control room board in Goldeneye for Nintendo 64 (it took me almost six months to beat that stupid board).

(click for the ability to see what the hell this is)

Non-Fascist alcohol laws
-No statewide open container law or prohibition on drinking in public
-No alcohol-related blue laws
-No precise locations for selling liquor by the package, which allows drug stores and gas stations to sell any kind of liquor)
-Missouri law expressly prohibits any jurisdiction from going dry

If you've ever lived in Oxford, take a few moments to wipe away the tears.

/bear hugs Missourah
/hands it a beer
/given ticket for open container and drinking in public

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