Before we get started here, we pause to honor the HBC and his HBC ways by calling a timeout, let the other team call a timeout, and then follow that up with another one of our timeouts. It was a magical sequence that will make the final cut in my Spurrier documentary, Because I Can.
Kentucky 27, Central Michigan 13
The Ole Miss/Kentucky game is going to be a bloodbath of three and outs. This season sucks so much already.
Auburn 41, Mississippi State 34
Since I am so rarely right, when I am, you people are gonna hear about it. From "Inside Gene Chizik's Office" on Thursday, Gus Malzahn asked Gene Chizik and Ted Roof how many points he needed to score in order to win. He was told 41. BOW TO MY SUPERIOR PRESCIENCE.
As for the game, both defenses do indeed stink, but Auburn's is a special kind of stink. Consider, that with 8:24 to play in the game, Auburn held a 14-point lead against a team that cannot throw, but absolutely has to throw to get back in the game. In the final 8:24, State ran a total of 23 plays, only passing THREE times, and was within a few inches of tying the game. Now THAT is especially horrible defense.
If Chris Relf ever finds any degree of accuracy in throwing 15+ yards down the field, this State offense would be very difficult to handle, even for competent defenses. But, alas, this many games into a career, and you are what you are. Despite his inability to throw, he's a fantastic running quarterback and really uses his size well. I doubt Dan Mullen wants him running 27 times a game, but when they do run plays specifically for him, it's almost a guaranteed four or five yards (except the final plays of games - ZING!).
/beaten with a nickel-filled sock by a State fan
Oh, and if there was any doubt, Auburn is repeating as national champion. Don't want you to be surprised when it happens.
Alabama 27, Penn State 11
If you enjoy seeing a defense that is going to destroy your team's offense, I suggest watching Alabama. Penn State doesn't bring much to the table offensively (one quarterback threw up a 1 for 10 on Saturday), but, at times, they were made to look like they belonged in another division of football. Their initial strategy of calling all three timeouts on the first drive of a the game was an innovative one, but ultimately failed when they ran out of timeouts.
Upon seeing the timeout strategy, somewhere near Oxford, Mississippi, Billy Brewer phoned former Ole Miss quarterback Russ Shows and told him, "Russ, these boys at Penn State are a bunch of thieving bandits. We patented that in the early '90s. I'm gonna call Joe and see if we can't get ourselves a royalties check."
Tennessee 45, Cincinnati 23
Before Tyler Bray is anointed OMG BEST QUARTERBACK EVARRRRR, can we at least see what he does against teams not named Montana and a four-win Cincinnati team? Sound good? Alright then.
South Carolina 45, Georgia 42
If you look closely, you can pinpoint the exact moment Mark Richt was ready to strangle himself with his headset cord.
(picture from the great @bubbaprog)
Georgia truly is a giant Ole Miss, all the way down to how their offense works. Obviously, Georgia's is more successful, but the lack of method to the madness is right in Houston Nutt and David Lee's wheelhouse. It's like Georgia is permanently stuck on random play selection mode in three or four formations in NCAA '12.
And I know he had a crushing fumble, but it's pretty obvious that Isaiah Crowell needs to touch the ball 25-30 times a game. By far the best player Georgia has on offense. So look for him to touch the ball 10 times next week. Or 75. Whatever the computer decides.
As for South Carolina, it's always nice when you're senior starting quarterback can go 11 of 25 for 142 yards and 1 TD, 2 INTs and you score 45 points. And it helps when a 270-pound defensive lineman runs 68-yards for a touchdown on a fake punt, which produced my favorite moment from the weekend:
Odds Spurrier retires when Marcus Lattimore goes pro after next season? TRICK QUESTION. He retired four years ago.
Ole Miss 42, Southern Illinois 24
Having your emotions tied to Houston Nutt and David Lee piloting an offense is like having a five-year old set your daily schedule.
"Well, this is okay. Getting some breakfast, no complaints with that...wait, I have to eat what? Popsicles covered in spaghetti sauce? I don't know about this. Now I need to run around in circles in the backyard? Oh, wow, that was kind of fun, but now I have to CHASE THE CAT WHILE WEARING AN ARMY HELMET? It's not even 9 AM and you're going to kill me."
I know I always fall on the side of sweeping, overly dramatic and reactionary statements, but I truly believe the only SEC team we have a chance to beat is Kentucky. And that's only because the fire in their kitchen is more out of control than ours.
Arkansas 52, New Mexico 3
You know what America could do without for the rest of ever? Another flashy karaoke contest disguised as a singing show. Every network, and even some non-basic cable networks, has one now. AND THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN SHOW. It's like someone decided that Chili's, Applebee's, and T.G.I. Fridays weren't enough for America, and we needed seven more versions of the three of those. THESE SHRIMP SHOOTER FAJITAS DON'T HAVE THE SPICE AND FLAVOR I'M LOOKING FOR. LET'S SEE WHAT A VERMONT-THEMED RESTAURANT CAN DO WITH THEM.
Florida 39, UAB 0
Don't look now, but...wait, look, otherwise you won't see what I'm talking about. Anyway, the Gators are 2-0 against the spread.
Vanderbilt 24, UConn 21
If you went to, or watched, this entire game, you deserve the Presidential Medal of Freedom. And if you're a UConn fan and watch every game this year, you are owed the Congressional Medal of Honor. No one who experiences that much figurative blood and horror can be expected to survive.
LSU 49, Northwestern State 3
Shrimp Boat Captain's alma mater rushing attempts: 27. Rushing yards: -4. Are we sure Ed Orgeron was in Los Angeles Saturday night?
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Aaron Murray, Georgia
19-29, 248 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT
If Murray lives to be 75 years old, thanks to his offensive line, he will have the body of a 325-year old.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Though he's not a player, Ted Roof, who also was responsible for the training of Auburn's eagle.
JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
4th and seven from his 32-yard line, fake punt run with 270-pound defensive lineman.
2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season
1. Morgan Newton 4
2. Aaron Murray 2
2. Steven Garcia 2
2. A.J. McCarron 2
2. Phillip Sims 2
2. John Brantley 2
2. Larry Smith 2
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
MAN AGAINST BEAST
POE AGAINST LOW
KING OF THE RING
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
LSU at Mississippi State
How will State respond on a short week to a crushing loss? Will Jarrett Lee finally get a pick six in? Could the ghost of Michael Henig haunt Chris Relf, causing him to throw six interceptions in a single game of football? Will Craig James and Jesse Palmer make you hate the noise coming out of your TV? I have no idea on the first three, but that last one, yes they will.
Tennessee at Florida
The 2011 debut of Uncle Verne and Gary Danielson. It's been far too long since we've seen our uncle.
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt/Louisville at Kentucky
Which game will feature more punting? Can any of these four teams convert more than 25% of third down plays? If all offensive yards are combined, will the four teams break 1,000 yards?