Thursday, September 08, 2011

Inside Gene Chizik's Office

It's time once again for college football's least frequent and most sporadic running show, Inside Gene Chizik's Office. In today's episode, Coach Chizik and the fellas try to figure out how Utah State scored 38 points, how they're going to stop Mississippi State, and how come Ted Roof disappeared four hours ago.

The scene opens with Coach Chizik and Trooper Taylor watching film of the Utah State game.

"No, no, no, no. What are we doing here? There's no technique, no reading, no nothing."

(rewinds to watch the play again)

"What is this? How are our guys so out of position? And why are our linebackers trying to use sign language to talk to each other?

"Ted thought it would help them communicate better."

"I don't understand. They can already talk. Like audibly say words to one another. Why do they need sign language? And from the looks of it, they don't even know it."

"Don't know, dog. That's just what the man said. Use the sign language to talk on the field."

"Good grief. Where is he anyway? Should have been here 10 minutes ago."

"He told me he was going to get some lunch. But that was at like 9:30."

"9:30? Who eats lunch at 9:30?"

"You got me, dog. Said he was hungry and taking an early lunch."

"Call his cell and see if you can find out where he is. Oh, and before I forget, I need you to call about that thing for that person who needs that thing."

(tries to wink, but closes both eyes)

"On top of it, bossman."

(leaves the room; Chizik returns to watching film)

"Would you look at that, we only played that play with seven defenders. Unbelievable. And two of those were wearing clogs!"

(door flies open, Ted Roof blasts in)

"Oh, man oh, man oh, man oh, man, am I late. So sorry coach. I went to eat lunch and lost track of time. Please don't fire me, please don't fire me, please!"

"Easy, Ted. Settle down. We can't fire you, remember? You know about that thing with that person who we got those certain things for. We can't have you saying things about certain things that may or may not have gone on around here."

"Oh, right. Those things. Yes, I remember now.

(tries to wink, closes both eyes and opens mouth)

"So what was for lunch today?"

"Cheeseburger Cheeseburger. And it was delicious."

"I can see that. You got a little mustard in your hair.  Get something to clean that up a little bit."

"Thanks, Coach."

(picks up a towel off the couch and wipes mustard out of his hair)

(knock at the door)

"Come in."

(Gus Malzahn enters)

"Hey guys, listen, was just dropping by for a second. Wanted to find out how many points I need to score this weekend."


"Uh, wow, let's see. Ummmmm, I'll go with Orange 16 Easy Wheat Toast."

(Malzahn stares at Roof, then looks at Chizik)

"I think 41 should do."

"Ok, no problem."

(Malzahn leaves)

(Trooper returns)

"Coach, got that thing done, you know, like you- WHAT IN THE HOLY SHITHELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY TOWEL, TED?"

"I had some mustard in my hair. From Cheeseburger Cheeseburger."

"You better get that shit to the dry cleaners before I bust your ass up! Mustard on my towel. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh, so sorry, Trooper. I'll get it done right away. Please don't hurt me or fire me. Please."

"Man, get outta here. And there better not be any starch in that thing either. Can't wave no towel with starch in it. Like trying to wave a poster or something."

"Of course. No starch. I'll do it now."

(Roof sprints out of the room)

"You may have been a little hard on him."

"I know, Coach, but that towel is like my son. Can't let nothing happen to it, you know. Plus, Ted needs to learn to eat without getting food everywhere."

"I know, I know. Say, do you think I could wear my leather jacket on the sideline this weekend?"

"I think it might be a little too warm. I'd try and wait until October at least."

"Hmmmm. Too bad. I really feel like wearing it."

"I tell you what, we can turn down the air conditioning real low in here and then maybe you can wear it and not get hot."

"That sounds like a great idea!"

(sticks out his hand for Trooper to join him in a one, two, three cheer)

"One, two, three...ALL IN!"

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