Friday, September 02, 2011

2011 Through a Discount Crystal Ball

Predictions, polls, and any kind of list of the top/worst whatevers are all inherently stupid.  The bulk of that stupidity lies in the space between the ears of those forecasting, voting, or creating, and the minority of that stupidity lies in the concept of comparing and contrasting that which cannot be compared and contrasted with any degree of accuracy.  By now, you've read dozens of these, some well-researched, but most pure crap done by lazy assholes who, when in doubt, throw in traditional powers and the only names they know on those teams, and sell it as gospel truth.

And that brings us to our predictions for the season.  I can assure you these were poorly researched (if at all), totally based on what little memory we have left, and mostly centered around the idea of "that sounds good to me."  You get what you pay for around here.

Winner of the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure
(most INTs thrown in the regular season)

Gray: Tyler Bray (37)
Venkman: Barrett Trotter (15)
Poe: Tyler Bray (21)

Worst Offense (PPG)
Gray: Vanderbilt ($1, Bob)
Venkman: Vanderbilt (9)
Poe: Kentucky (13)

Worst Defense (PPG)
Gray: Ole Miss (29; Improvement!)
Venkman: Vanderbilt (31)
Poe: Ole Miss (27)

Fewest TDs Thrown on the Season By a Starting QB
Gray: Larry Smith (0)
Venkman: Trotter (5)
Poe: Larry Smith (3)

Team Most Likely to Pull a 2007 Ed Orgeron Season (0-8)
Gray: Vanderbilt (Ole Miss takes over if the Commodores beat them)
Venkman: Vanderbilt
Poe: Kentucky

Number of Stephen Garcia Benchings/Removals During the Game
Does not include Spurrier being Spurrier and rotating quarterbacks
Gray: Seven
Venkman: Three for poor play/hangover
Poe: Three

First Game in Which Les Miles Will Butcher the Clock
Gray: Oregon, and it will somehow work in his favor
Venkman: Oregon
Poe: Oregon

First Game in Which Jarrett Lee Will Throw a Pick Six
Gray: Less than two minutes into LSU's first possession against Oregon
Venkman: Alabama
Poe: Oregon

Coach(es) That Will Be Fired at the End of or During the Season
Gray: Houston Nutt and Mark Richt
Venkman: Houston Nutt and Mark Richt
Poe: Houston Nutt

Will John Brantley Cry on the Sideline at Any Point This Season?
Gray: Will Charlie Weis continuously sweat for the entirety of his time in Gainesville?
Venkman: Not unless he and Tebow pee in the same fountain, cross streams, and trade bodies before an SEC Championship Game beating at the hands of Alabama
Poe: Yes, during the Alabama game

God-Thing Wins by Auburn
Gray: Three. Clemson (sorry, guys, one more time), Florida, and Ole Miss.
Venkman: Four. Six if B. Trotts grows two to three inches, gains 20 pounds, drops one second off his 40 time, and reacquires the rights to his original knee ligaments (Pray, Gene, pray!).
Poe: Six

Without Looking, Name Kentucky's Starting Quarterback
Gray: The Ghost of Mike Hartline
Venkman: Carl Weathers
Poe: Jared Lorenzen

Number of Quarterbacks to Attempt a Pass for Vanderbilt
Gray: All of them
Venkman: 3.5
Poe: Three

Will Nick Saban Say Another Curse Word Besides "Damn" or "Hell" on Live TV?
Gray: You know it. My money is on "shitbuckets."
Venkman: Saban can do no wrong, thus any words previously thought to be unsavory become expected speech as soon as they leave his lips
Poe: Absolutely

Moment You Will Say "I Hate This Team and Am Done With This Season"
Gray: In the BYU game, third and 27, crowd is alive, Rebels need a stop, momentum has shifted, then we give up a 73-yard touchdown pass by the Cougars
Venkman: Seven minutes into the BYU/Ole Miss game
Poe: Second quarter of the Penn State game

Who is Finishing Where
South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, Kentucky, Vanderbilt
LSU, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Mississippi State, Ole Miss
Championship: LSU over South Carolina

South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Vanderbilt
Alabama, Arkansas, LSU, Mississippi State, Auburn, Ole Miss
Championship: Alabama over South Carolina

South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Kentucky
Alabama, Arkansas, LSU, Auburn, Mississippi State, Ole Miss
Championship: Alabama over South Carolina


  1. Well Gray you were really close on the third and 27 turning point

  2. Maybe that wasn't a discount crystal ball. But my "I'm done with it" moment came when Nutt decided to waste a timeout, then go for it on 4th and 10.

  3. At least it was a great play call. Tight end misdirection screen? I understand that if it worked we would be singing a different song, but at least throw the ball past the sticks when you take the extra time. Should be another fun filled year!