From The Weekend That Was

GAME RECAPS

Arkansas 31, Vanderbilt 28
If you're a Vanderbilt fan, you know how your season is gonna go. Of your eight conference games, you will get blown out in two or three, beat Ole Miss, and have four games you could or should win, but lose, and often in a horrible fashion like Saturday. After Arkansas ran the Zac Stacy fumble back 94 yards for a touchdown, turning what would have been a 35-20 game into a 28-28 game, any good Vanderbilt fan had to know it was over.

James Franklin has certainly turned Vandy into a much more competent group, but without a group of 25-30 solid SEC players (I think they're around 15-20), they're going to find ways to lose games like this. And let's also pull the emergency break on all this James Franklin coach of year talk. He's 1-4 in the league, with his lone victory coming against Ole Miss.  I think you'll find that Bobby Johnson produced similar results.

Georgia 24, Florida 20
In the process of trying to recruit the fastest team in America (WHICH IS THE MOST GENIUS IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD HOW DID NO ONE ELSE CONSIDER THIS), Urban Meyer forgot to recruit guys who can block, get open on pass routes, run between the tackles, and play quarterback. Quite a problem if you have to play offense, which, based on the rules of football, can be helpful to your efforts to win a game.

John Brantley is a quarterback with a ceiling of average (whatever they have behind him currently has a ceiling of war bunker). When you are limited at quarterback, (and he's further limited by wide receivers and pass protection), you best be able to generate some kind of a ground game or your offense becomes an offense that isn't really an offense, but a group that hopes the defense and special teams can give it a short field so they can run three plays and then let special teams kick a field goal.

And as bad as Florida's offense has been, on-field discipline has actually gotten worse than Florida's off-the-field discipline.  IMPOSSIBLE, you say?  In the last three games, the Gators have been flagged for 32 penalties and currently sit in last place in the conference in penalties with 75 in eight games (an average of just over nine a game; Auburn, who has played nine games, is the closest to Florida with 57 penalties).

For a guy who came from the Saban tree, which stresses discipline and error-free football while waiting for the other team to screw up, it's hard to believe something like this would characterize a Muschamp team.  But, thanks to his team's love of self-inflicted wounds, we get the privilege of seeing a grown man come a few blood pressure points away from having an Old Faithful-like geyser of blood shoot out of the top of his head.

Auburn 41, Ole Miss 23
Let's play a game. It's called guess which coaches know what the hell is going on and which ones don't. From Rick Cleveland's column on Sunday:

Both Ole Miss defensive coordinator Tyrone Nix and offensive coordinator David Lee said Auburn made no big changes.

And three paragraphs later, the Auburn version of events:

"At halftime, we made a lot of great adjustments, adjusting defensively to some of the run game that we needed to get under control that in the first half got away from us a little bit," Chizik said.

"Coach (Ted) Roof and the defensive staff did a really nice job with that," Chizik continued. "Offensively I felt like at that point we really kind of understood what their game plan was and really knew how to attack them in the second half both running and throwing the football."

If you guessed Ted Roof and company understand more about football than Ole Miss' bunch, congratulations, you are one of life's winners.

And, so now, the rest of you know what Ole Miss fans are dealing with this season. Coaches who can't recognize when the other team adjusts ("WHY ISN'T OUR STUFF WORKING ANYMORE? BETTER JUST STAY WITH WHAT WE WERE DOING. I'M SURE IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME."), then spend two quarters getting their asses handed to them.

Assuming no firings are done on the weekend, I'm treating November 28th like a national holiday. Probably take the day off, watch the press conference of Pete Boone and Houston Nutt being shown the door about 742 times, eat a disgustingly fattening lunch, take a four-hour nap, and say goodbye with some daytime fireworks.

Mississippi State 28, Kentucky 16
You know what, screw you, Mississippi State if you injured Morgan Newton enough that he can't keep competing for the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure. How dare you spoil our fun.

South Carolina 14, Tennessee 3
If there's any good news to be had here for Tennessee, it's that true freshman Justin Worley is already on the same plane as senior Matt Simms, so there's at least a chance for some advancement to another plane. But for now, he and Matt Simms are the same person.

And if you were paying attention, though odds are you didn't watching this game, South Carolina put together a 20-play, 98-yard drive that lasted 11 minutes and 35 seconds. After the resulting touchdown, Spurrier high-fived an assistant, then vomited in a bucket, wiped his mouth, and said, "NEVER AGAIN."


DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Tyler Wilson, Arkansas
27-43, 316 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Wilson, per standard procedure this season, got the hell beat out of him, yet stayed alive and made some throws no other quarterback in the conference could make when they needed to be made.


ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Justin Worley, Tennessee
10-26, 105 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Not his fault he had to play when he wasn't ready, but the Eric Oliver of the Week award does not take into account sympathy.


JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Mark Richt
After some "find a way to lose" performances against Florida, Richt held everything together after going down 17-3 and came back to beat a team he should beat. How he prevented a complete collapse, we'll never know. But, if you really want to know, it's that he was playing Florida.


2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
1. Aaron Murray 9
3. Morgan Newton 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
4. Chris Relf 6
7. Larry Smith 5
7. Jordan Rodgers 5
9. Randall Mackey 4
10. Tyler Wilson 3
10. Tyler Russell 3
10. John Brantley 3
10. Matt Simms 3
10. A.J. McCarron 3
10. Connor Shaw 3


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 4-1
Season: 37-26-1 (.586)


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 3-2
Season: 46-19 (.708)


Mr. Blue
Week: 5-0
Season: 38-27 (.585)


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 3-2
Season: 54-11 (.831)


Chris Low
Week: 5-0
Season: 55-10 (.846)


KING OF THE RING
Gray 44-7
Venkman 37-14
Poe 40-11


WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Ole Miss at Kentucky
The Anti-Game of the Century. Do you like two pieces of notebook paper colliding? Do you like watching everything go wrong all of the time? Do you hate your life? If so to all three, this game will bring rest and refreshment to your soul.

LSU at Alabama
Essentially, if you care about college football at all and don't watch this, you hate yourself, your life, and everything that is good and decent in this world. Arkansas and South Carolina fans have somewhat of an excuse, as their game, scheduled 45 minutes before this game, is kind of a big deal to each school. But everyone else? Your team stinks and so does the team they're playing.

Texas Pete Week Nine Power Poll And Picks

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "The guy is seemingly unflappable now. When I used to run across quarterbacks like him, I'd show one down lineman and 10 defensive backs arranged in the shape of a diamond."

2. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: "You can't win anymore than Les has this year! He won ALL of the games, which is all that there have been!"

3. Nick Saban
Dave Rowe: "And Nick too! Hahaha! Oh, boy! What a pair of coaches!"

4. A.J. McCarron
Replay official: "Upon further inspection, the sternum tattoo remains as one of the worst ideas ever."

5. James Franklin
Dave Rowe: "Coach Franklin has got Vanderbilt fired up! Those fans are going to pack the stadium out on Saturday!"

6. Willie Robinson
Joe Lee Dunn: "Anyone can have a bad start, but it's not usually caused by Houston Nutt and David Lee."

7. Dennis Johnson
Dave Rowe: "Dennis, man, he looks like a little bowling ball running around out there! But a bowling ball with running ability!"

8. Zac Stacy
Dave Rowe: "You can just feel his grit and toughness!"

9. Joker Phillips
Joe Lee Dunn: "Wait, what happened to Hal?  Is he alright?"

10. Morgan Newton
Replay official: "Because we felt like something was wrong, we've gone back and credited seven more interceptions to Morgan. We just want to get all the calls right."


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 33-25-1 (.568)

Arkansas (-9.5) at Vanderbilt
The Commodores flexed their covering muscle last weekend by running through and around Army, bringing their record against the spread to 5-2. If you can say one thing about the James Franklin era, it's that he's made gamblers reassess their standard pick against Vanderbilt. Unfortunately for Franklin and company (he really needs to hire an offensive coordinator with the last name of Bash so I can make reference's to TNT's Franklin & Bash, starring Zack Morris, and of which I saw all the episodes), Vanderbilt is an Ole Miss-like 2-8 against the spread in their last 10 conference games.

Also working against them is an Arkansas team that spent all week talking about getting its ass in gear in the first half. Yesterday, I mentioned that, due to the JP-ness of this game and Vandy's involvement, it probably wasn't going to happen. But, luckily for Arkansas, there are two additional quarters, and two quarters in which they show how good they can be. Arkansas to cover.

Georgia (-3) at Florida (Jacksonville)
Since 1990, Georgia has only beaten Florida THREE times. For a futility comparison, Ole Miss has beaten Alabama that same number of times since then. And who says Mark Richt can't beat teams of equal or greater value? Actually, I think everyone says that. If you don't, you deserve a flying scissor kick to the throat.

Though it goes against every fiber of my being to pick Georgia, I've seen nothing out of Florida that indicates they can score enough points to even score points. Yes, this whole thing reeks of Georgia bed-shitting and Todd Grantham dumbassery, but Georgia, while maddeningly inconsistent and with a lack of identity or direction on offense, has the ability to slap together a few scoring drives to ensure a cover. While I am stating my regret, Georgia to cover.

Ole Miss at Auburn (-12)
Everyone seems to think Ole Miss is going to keep this one close, with a few lost souls proclaiming Ole Miss could actually win this game. I could also win the lottery (AND NEVER WRITE HERE AGAIN), but I know that only those 60 and up win the lottery because they buy lottery tickets on their nine weekly trips to the bank.

Yes, it is true Auburn's offense is struggling and quarterbacked by Clint Moseley, but if I recall correctly, they still operate as a run-heavy offense with gallons upon gallons of read-option and misdirection plays. Have you ever seen Ole Miss successfully defend one of these plays? The answer is NO YOU HAVE NOT. Additionally, the Rebels ranked last in the conference in rushing defense, giving up 222.9 yards a game (for a futility comparison, Alabama, who has played one more game than Ole Miss, has given up 359 total rushing yards and Ole Miss check in at 1,560, a difference of 1,201 yards).

Typically, when a bad Ole Miss team shows signs of improvement, the coming week's opponent is not playing well, and the Rebels have to go on the road, disaster ensues. Like three or four score-loss disaster. I've seen it happen too many times, usually in person, and a shalln't be falling into that trap of optimism again. Auburn to cover.

Mississippi State (-10) at Kentucky
I'm not sure if this game or the Vanderbilt/Kentucky game will be the second-most unwatchable game of the season. But, either way, Kentucky fans have to be delighted that they're team will be involved in all three of the most unwatchable games of the year. Quite a feat for the Joker Phillips era. Mississippi State to cover.

South Carolina (-3.5) at Tennessee
I know Matt Simms stinks (whoa, whoa, whoa, settle down there, Phil, I only want to fight you over your analysis on CBS, not over your bad quarterback son), but our sample of Simms this season has been against LSU, Alabama, and part of the Georgia game. Not exactly an ideal group from which to sample your quarterback.

So I'm not sure why Derek Dooley decided to burn Justin Worley's redshirt (especially when the Alabama game was over) after Simms only showed that he is not very good against the best two defenses in college football. Now, odds are Simms would be bad against South Carolina, but, given South Carolina's offensive problems, don't you trust your defense and hope Simms can do one or two good things and maybe escape with a win?

Tennessee needs three more wins to achieve bowl eligibility so Dooley can claim a positive Herm Edwards WE CAN BUILD ON THIS season. Looking at the rest of the schedule, the Vols go to Arkansas and play MTSU, Kentucky, and Vandy. No matter who their quarterback is, they're not winning in Fayetteville, but no matter who their quarterback is, they can beat those other three, which gets them to six wins. So why waste a year of a quarterback's eligibility when he's going to improve your situation by zero games? WHAT'S YOUR GAME HERE, DEREK DOOLEY?

South Carolina to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 43-17 (.717)

Arkansas
Georgia
Ole Miss
Mississippi State
Tennessee


Mr. Blue
Season: 33-27 (.550)

Arkansas
Georgia
Auburn
Mississippi State
South Carolina


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 51-9 (.850)

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
I would rather stab myself in the eye than watch another JP game in Nashville. (30-10 Arkansas)

Georgia at Florida
It is idiotic that Georgia continues to consent to playing this game in Jacksonville. Beyond a better chance of winning, home football games bring recruits and millions of dollars to your city and campus. I would think that a school that has only beaten its biggest rival a couple of time over the last 20 years would be looking for any competitive advantage it could get. For Georgia, however, the appeal of partying in a ratty navy town outweighs winning football games. That is why Georgia is just a big Ole Miss. (20-17 Fla)

Ole Miss at Auburn
I liked last week's improved Rebel effort. I also like that Clint Moseley is Auburn's quarterback. (21-20 Rebs)

Mississippi State at Kentucky
I'm sure that Dan Mullen will start blabbering again about winning the West after State gets its first SEC win against this awful Kentucky team. (27-14 State)

South Carolina at Tennessee
For some reason Mr. Orange Pants decided to bench Phil Simms' son and burn the redshirt of a true freshman quarterback well after the Alabama game had gotten out of hand. He subsequently announced that the true freshman would start this game. I'm no supporter of Phil Simms' son, but the decision to put him down for a true freshman seems like a drastic move considering his two starts were against two teams that have made everyone look like shit. On a personal level, I'm glad Orange Pants made the move because I hate Tennessee. (24-14 USC)


Chris Low
Season: 50-10 (.833)

Auburn
Arkansas
Mississippi State
South Carolina
Georgia


KING OF THE RING
WAC Edition

Gray 41-7
Venkman 36-12
Poe 37-11

San Jose State at Louisiana Tech
Gray: Louisiana Tech
Venkman: San Jose State
Poe: Louisiana Tech


Hawaii at Idaho
Gray: Hawaii
Venkman: Idaho
Poe: Hawaii

Nevada at New Mexico State
Gray: Nevada
Venkman: Nevada
Poe: Nevada

Game Watchability Ratings

With Alabama and LSU taking the week off to prepare for yet another game of the century (BRO, MICHIGAN/OHIO STATE 2006 WAS THE GAME OF THE CENTURY; HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST AFFLICTION T-SHIRT? HERE, LET ME TAKE OF MY STARTER JACKET AND SHOW YOU.), the SEC schedule this week is kind of, well, how do I say this without, oh, what the hell, it's full of pain and suffering. Despite this, we'll still watch because that's what something deep inside of us makes us do, even though we are rewarded with so little joy.

And, if you can't make it to a game, why would you even leave the house on a Saturday unless it's to acquire food and drink? I already leave the house the other six days, so if there's not a legitimate (read: life or death and even that's iffy) reason to leave, my ass is PLANTED in a chair or on the couch, watching games in which I hope everyone screws up.

However, if you're one of these people with additional responsibilities other than yourself, I would imagine your window for watching games is somewhat limited. To help you wade through this weekend's less-than-ideal slate of games, I've rated each game's watchability on a scale of one to five Les Miles Seal Claps.

A rating of five Les Miles Seal Claps indicates that a game will be highly entertaining/amusing based on gross incompetence and poor play that achieves laughable status (there's a very fine line between horrid poor play and laughable poor play, but you know it when you see it). A rating of one Les Miles Seal Clap means that a game will be uninteresting and cause you to be sad for everyone involved.

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
Arkansas' quarterback Tyler Wilson vowed this week that he would get the offense off to a quick start in the first half of games for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, staring him in the face this week is an 11:21 Jefferson Pilot game. At Vanderbilt. I'm sure it's written in the SEC bylaws somewhere, but it's well understood that no such thing will be accomplished on this day. Throw in Andre Ware talking for three and a half hours without saying a single, insightful thing, and UGH, this will be negative fun.
RATING:


Georgia at Florida (in Jacksonville)
Rumors of a John Brantley return, the chance Todd Grantham gets off his leash, meats out, and further embarrasses Georgia and Mark Richt, and the possibility one of these teams finds a brutal way to collapse and lose this game (*cough* GEORGIA), the potential for excellence in incompetence and failure is sky high. I've probably never been this excited about watching a terrible game.
RATING:


Ole Miss at Auburn
Auburn's offense is in the midst of its worst slump under the direction of Gus Malzahn. Lucky for them and unlucky for everyone else, the Ole Miss defense comes to town and will help restore the Tiger offense to a non-bumbling status. Watching Houston Nutt and David Lee wreck an offense once plays aren't scripted anymore is always a good time, and with Nutt, it's possible a fire could break out on the sideline at any time. By rule, all games in which Houston Nutt has a hand in the decision-making receive a minimum rating of three Les Miles Seal Clap, and can go up from there.
RATING:


Mississippi State at Kentucky
Since the Auburn game, State has scored 28 total points in conference play. Kentucky has scored 20 points in three conference games. But, you have to be excited about a Morgan Newton interception or five.
RATING:


South Carolina at Tennessee
I'm only watching for the Spurrier faces of exasperation, which, by rule, requires a minimum ranking of two Les Miles Seal Claps.
RATING:


(Edited for mistakes related to 14 seconds of proofreading)

Please Stand By

Work for which I receive compensation has decided that NO FUN IS TO BE HAD TODAY and has me, you know, actually doing my job during working hours.  Let this be a lesson to all of you college kids or those without jobs and with enormous amounts of free time, win the lottery because work ruins EVERYTHING.  Always.

Until I emerge from my death stare at my computer monitor and an endless number of requests to do stuff, enjoy the Derek Dooley Halloween costume*.


*Does not include mother who tells everyone within earshot that it is a great costume and deserves to be at many, many more Halloweens.

Abe Simpson Cuts to the Core of Expansion Results

I stated my position on all this conference expansion business early last month and still stand firmly in that corner, perhaps even angrier than before.  Angry that there is a such major distraction running through the best 15 or so weeks of the year, angry that I have to somewhat pay attention to expansion talk or be left clueless, and really angry that next June and July, a perfect time for such talk, is going to be horribly barren and boring because the issue is being addressed now.

Now, the grand reward, at least in the SEC, for three months of "we're so screwed if we don't start scooping up teams now," is that Texas A&M and Missouri (most likely, but seriously, hurry up and make your final decision, assholes) get a meal ticket into the SEC.  Texas A&M, whatever.  If the conference was going to take a team, it could have done better, but it wasn't a stretch phone call, and it may turn out to be a great decision.  I'm just not sure there's that much excitement over their addition.  Missouri, however, well, I'll let Abe Simpson say it best:

Jerrell Powe Has No Use For Pete Boone

Last week, it was former Ole Miss quarterback Romaro Miller voicing his displeasure over the current shitstorm that is everything surrounding Ole Miss athletics and its leadership.  This week, former defensive tackle and current Kansas City Chief, Jerrell Powe joined Miller's call for the end of the Pete Boone era at Ole Miss.

Before you continue reading, please feel free to make your own "who wrote the letter" joke. And make another one, there are plenty of them out there. All done? No? Okay, one more. There it is. Now you're good to go.

If you recall, Boone never publicly supported the idea of a high-profile academic risk like Powe coming to Ole Miss. Something about Ole Miss being a bastion of higher learning. SORRY, JERRELL, YOU'RE GONNA NEED AT LEAST A 17 ON THAT ACT. WE HAVE STANDARDS AROUND HERE.

While I understand Boone was trying to protect image of Ole Miss he had in his head, this is the first we've heard that Boone was "discouraging" in Powe's efforts to get into Ole Miss. It's one thing to give Powe requirements to fulfill in order to get into school while not encouraging him, but to work against him (allegedly) is in pretty poor taste.

This revelation certainly won't sit well with the group(s)/hoard(s) out to get Pete Boone, and I expect we'll see an increase in the intensity and effort in their "Fire Pete Boone" drum-beating. And while I'm firmly entrenched in the camp that would like to see Boone not direct athletics at Ole Miss anymore (I am NOT, repeat, NOT in one of these Forward Rebel groups), will someone other than Ole Miss chancellor Dan Jones ever mention a word of support for Boone?

Many have spoken that the way a group like Forward Rebels has gone about calling for his firing is wrong, but there have been no words of support for him specifically to remain in his position. Given the sad state of Ole Miss football and that the public's blood is up, I doubt anyone will come to the aid of the man who hired Ed Orgeron and Houston Nutt, the coaches with a combined SEC record of 13-39 since 2005.

From The Weekend That Was

GAME RECAPS

Kentucky 38, Jacksonville State 14
As we steadily steam toward the Anti-Game of the Century on November 5th, also known as Kentucky versus Ole Miss, if you're into making comparisons with no real statistical value or factual merit, we know that the 2011 Kentucky Wildcats are better than the 2010 Ole Miss Rebels. That also has no bearing on the game in a few weeks, but I thought I'd mention it because I have nothing else to say here. Though, I will note that Morgan Newton finally made it through a game without throwing an interception.

Arkansas 29, Ole Miss 24
If you wanted to see the most David Lee/Houston Nutt play ever, you got it on Saturday. Second and 10 from their own one yard line, Lee and Nutt dialed up a stretch running play with Jeff Scott. Predictably, Scott was tackled three yards deep in the end zone, turning a one possession game into a two possession game, and the ball went back to Arkansas late in the third quarter. Given the sad state of the Ole Miss offense, which took advantage of a horribly confused Arkansas defense in the first half (seriously, those jet sweeps and swing passes haven't worked ALL YEAR), two possessions weren't going to be overcome in a single quarter and that was the game.

The only difference between this year's Ole Miss team and last year's is that the 2011 version plays hard and appears to care what happens. Unfortunately, they are just not very good and poorly coached, which makes it hard to rant like a lunatic at their shortcomings. Of course, that makes the coaches an easy target for lunatic-speak, but I'm tired of repeating myself and pointing out the obvious that everything needs to burned down and we should start anew in 2012. And if for some reason that doesn't happen, SWEET FANCY MOSES are you going to see a crazy person around here.

Oh, one final note, Ole Miss has now been outscored in the second half of its last two SEC games 57-7. FEEL THE COMPETITIVENESS!

Additional final note, in his post-game press conference, Houston Nutt took issue with a score prediction made by Neal McCready of one of the Ole Miss pay sites. McCready, who writes a weekly prediction column, wrote that Ole Miss would lose to Arkansas 49-10. Within one minute of starting his remarks on the game, a game in which he blew a 17-point lead, a game that marked his 10th straight SEC loss, and a game that saw Ole Miss get outscored 29-7 in the second half, Nutt went after McCready, saying:

"They played real hard. They played harder than that 49-10, right, Neal? One on my players told me. I don't read your stuff; they tell me what you say. One of my freshmen told me that Neal McCready wrote that we were going to get beat 49-10. It wasn't no 49-10."

Aside from Nutt speaking like a dumbass, it's always a good sign when your head coach takes time to address a local reporter's insignificant weekly picks column after getting his ass handed to him for the 10th straight conference game, right? Surely this attacking someone who made, based on previous performances, a pretty solid prediction, is normal practice, right? It would be really embarrassing if a head coach took out his frustrations on a member of the group that has nothing to do with losing 10 straight conference games.

This season, and the Houston Nutt era, can't end soon enough.

LSU 45, Auburn 10
If you spent last year despising every moment of Auburn's season after the Cam Newton news exploded, which is everyone who is not an Auburn fan, the third quarter of this game was probably the happiest moment of 2011 for you. I know it was for me. The weight of LSU's power, speed, and thirst for blood finally came reigning down on Auburn in spectacular fashion, resulting in 21 points in less than three minutes and burying Auburn alive.

Had I not been so lazy and locked into the couch, I might have gotten up and fixed myself a brown water drink to slowly sip while I savored the moment. However, to show that I'm not a total heartless bastard, I did express concern for Auburn's kick returners, as during this scoring run by LSU, I was quite certain one of them was going to get killed. Let this be a lesson to Gene Chizik that he should have cited a "God-thing" as the only reason one of his players was not decapitated.

Vanderbilt 44, Army 21
James Franklin, I like your style of passing just because we haven't done it in a while. You were in the midst of running for 344 yards against Army, yet still chose to throw 27 times with a quarterback who completed 10 passes, and is now 14 of his last 46 pass attempts (23.3%).

Alabama 37, Tennessee 6
For one half, Tennessee put on display the only formula that gives a team a chance to beat Alabama. Load up against the run and force A.J. McCarron make throws. In the first half, he did not, but in the second half he did, which led to the Tennessee defense crumbling in the third quarter.

Missing from Tennessee's version of this formula was a little help from the offense, which offered no relief for its defense in the second half. Interestingly enough, the Vols were able to run the ball right at Alabama in the first half, but at halftime, Nick Saban said NO MORE OF THAT, and that was essentially the end of any positives for the Tennessee offense. No doubt LSU was busy taking some notes during this game while they picked the remains of Auburn out of their teeth.


DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Zac Stacy, Vanderbilt
21 carries, 198 yards, 3 TDs

First time ever to feature a Vanderbilt player here? I think it might be. If only blogs had existed in 1999 when Greg Zolman threw for 344 yards, two touchdowns, and ran for two more in Vandy's 37-34 overtime win over Ole Miss.


ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Matt Simms, Tennessee
8-17, 58 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

I hate to keep picking on him, but Morgan Newton played a I-AA team which limited his ability to suck.


JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

James Franklin
A fairly dominant win over Army after a tough loss to Georgia earns Franklin honors here this week. Vandy may always be Vandy, but under Franklin, it looks like they'll have feistiness four or five games a year (excluding Ole Miss; that is a given).


2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Aaron Murray 8
3. Morgan Newton 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
6. Chris Relf 5
6. Larry Smith 5
6. Jordan Rodgers 5
9. Tyler Wilson 3
9. Tyler Russell 3
9. John Brantley 3
9. Matt Simms 3
9. A.J. McCarron 3
9. Randall Mackey 3
15. Tyler Bray 2


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 3-2
Season: 33-25-1 (.568)


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 5-0
Season: 43-17 (.717)


Mr. Blue
Week: 1-4
Season: 33-27 (.550)


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 5-0
Season: 51-9 (.850)


Chris Low
Week: 5-0
Season: 50-10 (.833)


KING OF THE RING
Gray: 41-7
Venkman: 36-12
Poe: 37-11


WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Georgia at Florida
Remember when Georgia would regularly lose this game when it meant something on a national scale? Will Mark Richt find a way to lose when the right to be savagely beaten by Alabama or LSU is on the line? Will Todd Grantham do yet another meathead thing? Can Will Muschamp pop an eyeball out of its socket in a rage fit?

Ole Miss at Auburn
Will Houston Nutt attack the sports columnist for the Oxford High School student newspaper for writing "Ole Miss will probably lose this game"? Will Clint Moseley throw his hat into the ring for SEC player of the week honors after facing an Ole Miss defense? Will Gene Chizik cite "God's goodness" for allowing his team to run for 400 yards against the 115th-ranked run defense?

Texas Pete Week Eight Power Poll And Picks

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Trent Richardson
Joe Lee Dunn: "I'd give up 700 yards passing before I let Trent Richardson top 50 yards on my defense."

2. Jarrett Lee
Dave Rowe: "11 touchdowns and just one interception? Oh, boy, look out NFL! We'll see him on Sunday!"

3. A.J. McCarron
Joe Lee Dunn: "Seriously, McCarron would have to throw like 85 passes."

4. Nick Saban
Replay official: "Can I get you a water or a snack, coach? I know you like those Little Debbie cakes."

5. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: "I know Les has a tough decision to make this week with the player suspensions, but that's what coaches do. They make tough decisions!"

6. Mark Richt
Joe Lee Dunn: "Mark, you have my number."

7. James Franklin
Replay official: "James Franklin is an American hero for upsetting Todd Grantham enough that he would want to fight on a football field after a game."

8. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "Even though he's lost Marcus Lattimore for the season, Steve Spurrier still wants to win all the games!"

9. Connor Shaw
Dave Rowe:  "Connor Shaw can make all the throws.  Even the ones he has trouble with!"

10. Clint Moseley
Dave Rowe:  "Gene Chizik is really gonna lean on Ted Roof and his defense while Clint settles in."


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 30-23-1 (.564)

Jacksonville State at Kentucky (-10)

Dan Mullen making Gray snort-chuckle out loud? SUCCESS. Even though it's part of his shtick, I salute Mullen for a well-timed barb and one that is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

/deep sigh
/hatred for everyone and everything

Though I'm very aware Kentucky could lose this game outright, I'm banking on Ole Miss being the only SEC team incompetent enough to lose to Jacksonville State. And Joker Phillips recognizing that he's "locker room fired" if the Wildcats don't take care of business. Kentucky to cover.

Arkansas (-16) at Ole Miss
Ahem:

Arkansas scoring offense: 39.2 ppg (2nd)
Ole Miss scoring defense: 29.2 ppg (11th)

Arkansas total offense: 466.2 ypg (1st)
Ole Miss total defense: 442.8 ypg (12th)

Arkansas rushing offense: 129.3 ypg (8th)
Ole Miss rushing defense: 225.7 ypg (12th)

Arkansas pass offense: 336.8 ypg (1st)
Ole Miss pass defense: 217.2 ypg (10th)

Arkansas pass efficiency offense: 153.1 (2nd)
Ole Miss pass efficiency defense: 128.8 (11th)

If this line hit Arkansas -30, I might, MIGHT, consider taking Ole Miss. Arkansas to cover, with Houston Nutt increasing his lead by two games over Ed Orgeron for consecutive SEC losses.

Auburn at LSU (-21)
Honey Badger or no Honey Badger, until LSU meets a defense that can challenge the physical nature of its offense, and the spread isn't too outrageous, they're going to cover. And if you've seen Auburn play this year, "powerful," "big," and "fast" are not words that belong on the list of words that could be used to describe its defense. Instead, that list includes words like "lost," "I hope they screw up so we don't have to make a play," and "What now, coach?"

As an added bonus for this game, we get to see the quarterback that finished second to Barrett Trotter in the Auburn quarterback competition. And as a fan of bad quarterbacking, I couldn't be more excited. Mainly because I'd like to squeeze in a nap during the second half of this game, but also because a completely overwhelmed Clint Moseley will help dull the brutal reality of Arkansas hanging half a hundred on Ole Miss. LSU to cover.

Army at Vanderbilt (-11)
An emotionally charged game followed by the mighty Black Knights of the Hudson and their triple-option offense rolling into Nashville could spell trouble for the Commodores. Or maybe it couldn't. Who knows, because I certainly don't. One tiny bit of knowledge I do have is that preparing for triple-option offenses is a total bitch, especially if you only have a week. Ask South Carolina if they're going to be scheduling Navy again.

Vanderbilt's offense is an offense in name only and will be led by a quarterback who went 4 of 19 in a game of college football last week, so scoring may be a bit of an issue for them. Plus, the idea of Vanderbilt beating anyone not named Ole Miss by double digits makes little to no sense. Give me Army and the points.

Tennessee at Alabama (-29.5)
One of the laments I keep hearing about conference expansion as it relates to the SEC is the loss of traditional rivalry games. Or, actually, just game. Because the only one that keeps getting mentioned over and over again is what will happen to the world if Tennessee and Alabama aren't able to play each other every year. Does anyone who is not a Tennessee or Alabama fan care if those two can't play on a yearly basis? Anyone? No?

I know not a person outside of the Tennessee/Alabama fan group that would wail and gnash teeth over the loss of the yearly version of this game. Yes, there is some really great history between the two schools, particularly in the media day subpoena department, but two out of 14 schools don't, or at least shouldn't, determine the actions of an entire conference. There's an old saying that fits perfectly right here and it goes something like TOUGH SHIT.

Alabama to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 38-17 (.690)

Kentucky
Arkansas
LSU
Vanderbilt
Alabama


Mr. Blue
Season: 32-23 (.552)

Jacksonville State
Ole Miss
Auburn
Army
Alabama


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 46-9 (.836)

Jacksonville State at Kentucky
Kentucky is making a push to be the worst SEC team of the last decade. The game with Ole Miss might be for that title. (21-17 UK)

Arkansas at Ole Miss
Please don't take the following as an endorsement of the Ole Miss Athletic Department. I believe the department is run by complete idiots, but I can't stand hypocrites and revisionist historians.

I love how Romero Miller has become the fan favorite voice of dissatisfaction with the football program. Are we talking about the same Romero Miller? No one outside of the two crappy linebackers who started over Patrick Willis benefited more from Ole Miss' stubborn attachment to mediocrity than Mr. Miller. Romero Miller was a thoroughly crappy quarterback. He was given opportunity after opportunity to win the big game, but he failed miserably.

His last two years at quarterback happened to coincide with arguably the most talent the Rebs have had since the early 60s. You know what he did with that talent? One trip to Shreveport and one trip to Nashville. Please blame the administration for that, Romero. Romero's ass should have been put on the bench to make way for Eli after he shit the bed for 12th time in a loss to Auburn to start his senior year, but offensive genius David Cutcliffe stuck with Romero for the rest of the season.

The culture that Romero is railing against is the same culture that allowed him to continue to suck while at the same time wasting a year of eligibility of the best player in school history. Everyone knows that Ole Miss has idiots running the athletic department, but please do not celebrate Romero Miller for pointing out the obvious when he benefited as much as anyone from the problem. Unless Romero apologizes to the Ole Miss fans for his shitty play, he should sit down and shut the hell up. (42-14 Arkansas)

Auburn at LSU
Auburn's deal with God or the devil continues with the suspensions of members of LSU's starting secondary. Whatever higher power is on Auburn's side will not be enough. (27-10 LSU)

Army at Vanderbilt
Old people tell me that this game may have been a big deal in the 1930s. (9-7 Vandy)

Tennessee at Alabama
I'll tell my children that this game used to be a great rivalry game. (38-10 Bama)


Chris Low
Season: 45-10 (.818)

Kentucky
Arkansas
LSU
Vanderbilt
Alabama


KING OF THE RING
MAC Edition
Gray 37-5
Venkman 33-9
Poe 36-6

Northern Illinois at Buffalo
Gray: Northern Illinois
Venkman: Buffalo
Poe: Northern Illinois

Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Gray: Eastern Michigan. I find it absolutely delightful Michigan has so many directional schools and thus so many directional rivalry games.  FEEL THE REGIONAL HATRED.
Venkman: Eastern Michigan
Poe: Western Michigan

Central Michigan at Ball State
Gray: Ball State. WHERE ARE SOUTHERN AND NORTHERN MICHIGAN?
Venkman: Central Michigan
Poe: Central Michigan

Temple at Bowling Green
Gray: Temple. Steve Addazio's team destroyed Maryland, who then nearly upset Clemson. What does that mean? Stay away from the ACC.
Venkman: Bowling Green
Poe: Temple

Ohio at Akron
Gray: Ohio
Venkman: Ohio
Poe: Ohio

Miami (OH) at Toledo
Gray: Toledo
Venkman: Toledo
Poe: Miami (OH)

Nick Saban Would Like Everyone To Stay On Point And They Better Damn Sure Be His Points

Earlier this week, Nick Saban let his thoughts be known about matters not directly dealing with the Tennessee game (around the 2:30 mark), most notably those involving a team that isn't even a member of the Southeastern Conference yet.



Then, yesterday, during a teleconference, he was asked about three people whose names it's doubtful he knows, who left for jobs elsewhere and how it would impact the Alabama program. Irritated, but with a disciplined irritation, Saban responded that it would not and then said, "I've probably been asked more questions about things I never think about this week than I can ever remember."

Curious as to what these other questions might have been, because surely he doesn't consider just two questions unrelated to the Tennessee game as "more questions about things I never think about this week than I can ever remember," as that would be silly (two questions off-topic? WHAT A CROSS YOU HAVE TO BEAR, COACH.), I went out of my way to find the other questions in the eyes of Nick Saban that were unrelated to his preparation for the Tennessee game. Questions about which not a single shit was given by Saban (NOTE: I did not go out of my way).

-"Coach, talk a little bit about your offensive strategy going into this game."

-"Given the Tennessee secondary is struggling this season, are you looking to get your receivers more involved?"

-"Can you talk about A.J. McCarron's growth so far this season?"

-"Are you pleased with the development of depth at running back?"

-"Can you just mention Trent Richardson once?"

-"What about any offensive player? Can you say something about them?"

-"Do you know anyone on offense?"

-"Can you say the word offense?"

-"WHO IS JIM MCELWAIN?"

/press corps is tear-gassed

A Voyage Inside Nine Straight SEC Losses

On Saturday, Ole Miss plays Arkansas and, barring the emergence of a competent offense and defense or roughly seven Arkansas turnovers that all get returned for touchdowns, will probably lose.  It will mark the 10th straight SEC loss for the Rebels under Houston Nutt.  Last Saturday's loss to Alabama made Nutt the first Ole Miss coach in the history of the school to lose nine consecutive SEC games, a seemingly impossible feat when you remember that Ed Orgeron once coached at Ole Miss.

As jarring as nine straight conferences losses is, what's really unsettling is just how uncompetitive Nutt's teams have been during this streak.  In the last nine SEC games, Ole Miss has been outscored 346-165, which works out to be an average score of 38.4-18.3.  He's lost his last nine SEC games by an average of 20 points.  20!  And in those nine games, only two of the games have been lost by fewer than 10 points.  I repeat, Ole Miss has been within 10 points at the end of an SEC game in its last nine tries only twice, an eight-point loss to Mississippi State and a seven-point loss to LSU in 2010.

Digging deeper into the numbers, a few other gems of ineptitude to behold during this streak:

-Opponents have scored at least 51 points three times
-Opponents have scored at least 30 points seven times
-Ole Miss has scored 14 points or fewer five times
-Ole Miss has failed to score more than seven points twice
-Alabama has outscored Ole Miss 75-17
-Vanderbilt has outscored Ole Miss 58-21

No, that last one is not a typo.  VANDERBILT is averaging beating Ole Miss by 18.5 points a game during this time (29-10.5).  That's three possessions, assuming two-point conversions.  THREE.  TO VANDERBILT.  ASSUMING TWO-POINT CONVERSIONS, WHICH WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T MAKE.

And the streak has a real chance of reaching 14.  Road games at Auburn and Kentucky follow Arkansas, a home game with LSU is after Kentucky, and the season ends against Mississippi State in Starkville.  Of those, Kentucky and State are the only winnable games, but given the Ole Miss defense's complete lack of ability to stop any form, no matter how poor, of a read-option offense, I'm not sure you can consider the State game winnable.

Ed Orgeron was fired because he had no clue how to run a football team.  Houston Nutt has now surpassed the failures of Orgeron, producing even less competitive teams, and should meet the same fate as Orgeron at the end of the year, if not sooner.  So, in the last month and a half we have left with Nutt, remember these numbers, and those that will surely be added to the totals in the next few weeks, when he mentions back-to-back Cotton Bowl wins on his way out the door.  Yes, coach, we did have some good times together, but now, thanks to you, Ed Orgeron can one day look back on his head coaching career and say, well, at least I never made Ole Miss look that bad.

Gene Chizik Breaks Out The Corporate Playbook

Gene Chizik announced today that backup quarterback Clint Moseley would be replacing Barrett Trotter as starting quarterback this weekend against LSU.  You may recall Moseley came on in relief of Trotter this past weekend against Florida and led the Tigers to 10 second half points in their 17-6 win over the Gators.  To help him arrive at such a decision, Chizik consulted every corporation's friend, the decision tree.

Click to enormosize

Craig James Has A Word With Tommy Tuberville

Craig James stopped by Lubbock yesterday to speak with Texas Tech head coach Tommy Tuberville about his son Adam, a wide receiver on the Red Raider team.  After stopping by Tuberville's house, James was told the coach wasn't there, but he should probably check the stadium.  And so, Craig James descended upon Jones AT&T Stadium:



After finding the second-year coach in his office, the two made small talk about politics and Big 12 realignment before James began the badgering of why his son only caught three passes against Kansas State when Texas Tech quarterback Seth Doege attempted 63 passes. According to James, his son should have caught at least 25 passes.

Tuberville gave him some coach-speak, while assuring James that they'd find a way to get Adam more opportunities. James thanked the coach for his time, then vanished into the Texas wind, but not without leaving everyone with an afternoon bout of sneezing and eye irritation, which also happens to those who watch ESPN Thursday night games.

Quarterback Situation Tire Fires

As noted by my careful following and tallying of the interceptions thrown by SEC quarterbacks, I get some sort of weird delight out of truly horrible performances by quarterbacks. I don't know when this started, but my best guess is sometime during the 2009 season, as I watched Jevan Snead's impressive march to 20 interceptions in a single year of college football. That, and maybe there's something that happens to a person when they watch the quarterbacks for their team throw 107 combined interceptions from 2004-2010 (15.28 per season; HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?). The pain and rage created by such awful levels of play is all I know, so I get joy out of seeing other teams tasting what I have known for so long.

Luckily for twisted people like myself, this year's stable of SEC quarterbacks has not disappointed in terms of wretched play. Only four teams have manged to avoid a tire fire situation at quarterback (Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, and LSU), and of those four, two are breaking in new starters. Everyone else? It's all burning and going to burn for quite some time.

Let's see just how bad it's been as we take a look at the other eight teams and their quarterback stats in SEC games only. One point of order, Tennessee and Florida were kind of caught between groups, while Tyler Bray has been okay in SEC games, he hasn't been great, and ditto John Brantley. But, now that Bray is out until November-ish and Brantley, who knows, Matt Simms, Jeff Driskel, and Jacoby Brissett land them in the tire fire group.

Auburn
Barrett Trotter
36-73 (49.3%), 372 yards, 4 TD, 4 INT

Ole Miss
Zack Stoudt
22-49 (44.9%), 210 yards, 1 TD, 6 INT

Randall Mackey
15-32 (46.9%), 201 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Ole Miss total:
37-81 (45.7%), 411 yards, 2 TD, 8 INT
SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP THAT IS HORRIBLE

Mississippi State
Chris Relf
50-81 (61.7%), 448 yards, 1 TD, 4 INT
Very high completion percentage for him, but that comes out to 5.5 yards per pass, which is not good at all. Randall Mackey, for example, is at 6.28 yards per pass.

Tyler Russell
15-37 (40.5%), 210 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT

Mississippi State total:
65-118 (55%), 658 yards, 2 TD, 7 INT

Florida
John Brantley
33-53 (62.2%), 518 yards, 4 TD, 1 INT

Jeff Driskel
11-27 (40.7%), 89 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

Jacoby Brissett
13-24 (54.2%), 139 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT

Florida total:
57-104 (54.8%), 746 yards, 5 TD, 5 INT

Tennessee
Tyler Bray
44-81 (54.3%), 539 yards, 3 TD, 2 INT

Matt Simms
10-26 (38.4%), 167 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Tennessee total:
54-107 (50.4%), 706 yards, 3 TD, 4 INT

Kentucky
Morgan Newton
26-74 (35.1%), 198 yards, 2 TD, 3 INT
2.67 yards per pass has to be some kind of record for quarterbacking failure.

Vanderbilt
Larry Smith
34-52 (65.4%), 216 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT
Like Relf, his yards per pass is not good, coming in at 4.15.

Jordan Rodgers
20-45 (44.4%), 203 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT

Vanderbilt total:
54-97 (55.7%), 419 yards, 0 TD, 6 INT

South Carolina
Stephen Garcia
36-78 (46.1%), 530 yards, 3 TD, 8 INT

Connor Shaw
47-69 (68.1%), 474 yards, 5 TD, 2 INT

South Carolina total:
83-147 (56.4%), 1,004 yards, 8 TD, 10 INT

That's 9 out of 15 quarterbacks with below a 50% completion rate, and only 3 out of 15 who have more touchdowns than interceptions. Auburn and Florida stand as the only two teams with as many touchdown passes as interceptions (I did not count Kiehl Frazier's or Clint Mosley's stats, as Frazier has only been used as a situational quarterback and Mosley has played a half of one game, but Frazier's picks would take Auburn out of this category).

And all of that above, dear readers, explains why SEC games not involving Alabama, Arkansas, LSU, or Georgia feel like rock fights.  Though, the ones with Georgia, despite Aaron Murray's success, still feel like rock fights.

From The Weekend That Was

GAME RECAPS

South Carolina 14, Mississippi State 12
Thanks to some untimely car mechanics and those responsible for getting the right parts to the mechanics, I spent the hours of this game being told my car would be ready within the hour.  I believe I heard that sentence five times before actually getting back my car in its repaired state.  So, six hours at the car repair place?  NOT GOOD TIMES AT ALL.

However, judging from the text messages I got, I was spared the unpleasantness of having to watch this alleged game of football.  And I consider my six-hour shift at the car repair place a blessing, because if I had seen the intentional safety that ruined the cover after watching three and a half hours of crap, I would have wished I was trapped at a car repair place for six hours.

LSU 38, Tennessee 7
Earlier last week, Les Miles said in his press conference that LSU needed two quarterbacks to play because there are certain situations in which Jordan Jefferson makes their offense better.  To that I say, WHAT SITUATIONS?  The kicking game?

Jordan Jefferson in LSU's version of Enrique Davis.  He stinks, has always stunk, and will continue to stink, yet will always continue to play.  It doesn't make sense, nor will it ever, but in the minds of the head coaches, not playing them makes no sense.

My favorite sequence from this game was in the second quarter, as LSU took over at the Tennessee 36 after forcing a punt.  After a one-yard run by Alfred Blue, the following happened:
-Jarrett Lee pass to Reuben Randle for 12 yards
-Jordan Jefferson run for 9 yards
-Jordan Jefferson run for 2 yards
-Jordan Jefferson sacked for loss of three
-Jordan Jefferson run for 2 yards
-Jarrett Lee touchdown pass to Spencer Ware for 13 yards

Successful play, followed by four plays to totally disrupt the rhythm of the offense, and one final successful play when LSU remembered, oh, right, we should probably score here.  Oh, how I wish my team had enough good players and fortune to run this line of bullshit out every week and still be successful.

Alabama 52, Ole Miss 7
It jumped up a bit in the third quarter didn't it?  I mean, that really got out of hand fast.  Trent Richardson killed a guy.  Perhaps with a trident.  And though the Ole Miss defense offered little to no resistance, I'd like to remind everyone, including Alabama, that the Crimson Tide's 615 yards of total offense fell 46 yards short of the 661 passing yards the 2003 Ole Miss defense allowed to Mike Leach's Texas Tech team.  SO SUCK ON THAT.  No total yardage national championship for you!

One of the only good parts about Ole Miss being so bad is that it's really hard to get fully invested emotionally in games.  Of course I was thrilled with how well the opening drive of the game went, even wondering if I had been asleep for 20 years and woke up in 2031 with an Ole Miss team taking it to Alabama, but I knew the good times weren't going to last.  So, very rarely do I get extremely angry during these games.  But, it happened twice in this game and both times involved Enrique Davis.

The first:
This one alone should be a fireable offense.  Alabama takes a 17-7 lead with less than 90 seconds to play until halftime.  Ole Miss responds with a great kickoff return to the Alabama 38 with 1:14 remaining.  One timeout left, the crowd is alive, a momentum swing has occurred, so what play do we dial up?  A RUN WITH ENRIQUE DAVIS, who had two carries total before that play.  No scoring took place on that drive.

The second:
Fourth quarter, garbage time, a fourth and goal from the Alabama one, and a chance to take something positive out of an all-out ass-kicking. Who gets the ball? Our worst short-yardage back on the team, ENRIQUE DAVIS. In typical fashion, he also lost a yard, bringing his totals for the day to seven carries for minus three yards. Can't wait until he gets 10 carries next week.

Look, I don't hate Enrique Davis.  I think he is a bad football player, but it's not his fault he keeps inexplicably playing.  No player is ever going to tell a coach, don't play me, I'm not good enough.  They all want to play.  So when I'm ranting like a lunatic about Davis playing, my anger is directed at Houston Nutt.  Only God knows why Houston Nutt continues to play Davis, and even He probably doesn't understand why.

Auburn 17, Florida 6
Easily one of the most awful games of the year. Just complete and total offensive incompetency. The two questions I have coming out of this game are, can Urban Meyer really recruit, and has Gus Malzahn been solved or are Auburn's quarterbacks so bad there's nothing he can do.

First, the Urban Meyer question. The majority of the guys on the field for Florida are Meyer recruits. They have no receivers, no quarterback, and no running back that can run inside. Meyer won his national championship with Ron Zook's defensive line and offensive skill players. After that, he had Tebow (his recruit) and more Zook talent, mixed with a few of his guys. Florida wasn't good last year, and they're certainly not good this year, even with John Brantley. I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe Penn State and Ohio State should tap the breaks for a second in their alleged pursuit of Meyer.

As for Malzahn, hey, that Cam Newton was pretty amazing, no? Malzahn's system, like all systems, looks much better when a Cam Newton is running the show, but even it doesn't appear to be immune from being rendered ineffective when it has no quarterback. Barrett Trotter is awful. Clint Mosley, while looking better than Trotter, only looked better than Trotter, which is the only nice thing I can think to say. And the lesson to be learned here is, even Gus Malzahn needs Trooper Taylor and his bags full of money.

Speaking of Trooper, this is just one of many reasons why everyone hates him.

Georgia 33, Vanderbilt 28
Everyone keeps mentioning how Mark Richt must have done something right with the right entity because his each of his main competitors in the SEC East has sustained at least one crushing injury. South Carolina has lost Garcia to removal from the team and Marcus Lattimore to an awful knee injury, Tennessee saw Tyler Bray and Justin Hunter go down with injuries, and Florida is missing Jeff Demps and John Brantley, who, while not an exceptional player, at least gave the Gators a chance to overcome the pile of suck in the East.

I can see how those could be considered breaks for Richt and Georgia, and they are, at least in the short term, but I consider them long-term breaks for the rest of us. Most likely, Georgia will win nine, possibly ten games this season, and if South Carolina loses once more, they move into first in the East. If that happens, Richt's employment at Georgia will continue. He'll stay there and prevent Georgia from becoming the 800-pound gorilla program it should be, which is good news for the other 11 teams in the SEC (you don't count yet, Texas A&M).

Instead of presenting a challenge to LSU and Alabama, he be running a program that can always win nine or ten games, beat no one of significance, and have his jackass defensive coordinator nearly come to blows with the head coach of a horrible Vanderbilt team.

(via)


DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Trent Richardson, Alabama
17 carries, 183 yards, 4 TDs

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Matt Simms
6-20, 128 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INT

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Gene Chizik
That he stopped himself from jumping off the top of the stadium both at halftime and after the game is the sole reason for giving him the nod here.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Morgan Newton 7
2. Aaron Murray 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
6. Chris Relf 5
6. Larry Smith 5
8. Tyler Wilson 3
8. Tyler Russell 3
10. John Brantley 3
10. Tyler Bray 2
10. A.J. McCarron 2
10. Matt Simms 2


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 3-2
Season: 30-23-1 (.564)


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 4-1
Season: 38-17 (.690)


Mr. Blue
Week: 3-2
Season: 32-23 (.552)


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 5-0
Season: 46-9 (.836)


Chris Low
Week: 4-1
Season: 45-10 (.818)


KING OF THE RING
Gray 37-5
Venkman 33-9
Poe 36-6


WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Auburn at LSU
Barrett Trotter? Clint Mosley? Does it matter? Will Trooper Taylor wave his towel in Mike the Tiger's face? Will Mike the Tiger eat Trooper Taylor?

Tennessee at Alabama
Can Matt Simms double his interception total of two? Can he triple it? Will Trent Richardson have another run that serves as a not-so-casual reminder that he's the best running back in the country?

Texas Pete Week Seven Power Poll And Picks

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. A.J. McCarron
Replay official: "You will sooner see a racetrack full of unicorns jockeyed by leprechauns than a Nick Saban quarterback throw four touchdown passes in a game again."

2. Tyler Wilson
Dave Rowe: "Wow! What an arm on this young man! Bobby Petrino has got to be (mic cuts out)"

3. Connor Shaw
Dave Rowe: (mic still out)

4. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "No interceptions in how many attempts? Do they even play defense in the SEC anymore?"

5. Mark Richt
Joe Lee Dunn: "He runs a 3-4? It's a miracle they've won a game."

6. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: (Buzz Baker attempts to take over, but also experiences mic failure)

7. Nick Saban
Joe Lee Dunn: "Nick's a helluva defensive guy, but I don't buy into his philosophy of discipline. Got to have some freelancing in there."

8. Steve Spurrier
Replay official: "So has he come up with a list of who is and isn't allowed at his press conferences yet?"

9. Aaron Murray
Dave Neal: "Well, folks, we seem to be having audio problems. We'll get those corrected just as fast as we can. Meanwhile, it's 3rd and 29 for the Rebels on their own 11."

10. Jordan Jefferson
Dave Neal: "Just kidding. We're never going to get those audio problems fixed."


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 27-21-1 (.561)

South Carolina (-2.5) at Mississippi State
For a team that was expected to make some kind of leap by those who weren't paying attention last year, State's three victories have come over teams that are a combined 3-14 on the season. The only defenses against which State's offense has looked competent are those of the Memphis and Auburn Tigers (a round of applause for Ted Roof and fired Memphis defensive coordinator whose name I will not look up). And they needed overtime to beat a WAC team, and a quarterback change to inspire them to victory over a C-USA team that got drilled by Tulane 49-10 a few weeks before that.

I hope everyone is paying attention now. This is not a good team, nor were they last year. They made a living off beating bad teams and catching breaks against fellow average teams. And when you take two offensive linemen (one of whom was a first round pick), two starting linebackers, and the best defensive lineman away, THE RESULTING TEAM IS NOT GOING TO BE BETTER. Seriously, people, PAY ATTENTION.

As long as Connor Shaw isn't covered in the stink of Stephen Garcia poor decisions just by association, South Carolina should cover with a little room to spare. Their defense is good enough that it will continue to show everyone that Tyler Russell just isn't very good, and everyone will be reminded of how thankful we all should be that this game isn't the Thursday night ESPN game to open the season anymore. South Carolina to cover.

LSU (-16.5) at Tennessee
Tennessee can't run the ball, lost the one player that gave them a chance to move the ball, and is now lead by Phil Simms' son that is not named Chris. GOOD TIMES. This has pretty much been the perfect storm of a season for LSU's offense. Their defense and special teams have been so good in generating turnovers and creating outstanding field position, that their offense can operate on a junior high level. Power run, power run, power run, power run, throw it up, power run, power run, power run.

And that offense has size, power, and speed at all the right places, led by a quarterback who has learned to stop self-destructing. They haven't had to get creative or needed a drive to stay in or win the game, all of which put pressure on a pair of shaky quarterbacks, an offense not known for its ability put together a long series of successful plays, and a head coach who can generously be described as OH HEY LOOK A SHINY TIN CAN LET'S TAKE A LOOK. Not that any of this will change until the Alabama game, and nor should LSU try to change the formula, but I thought I'd point it out because there's nothing to talk about concerning this game. LSU to cover.

Alabama (-26) at Ole Miss
In full disclosure, I was leaning heavily in the direction of taking Ole Miss and the 26 points as late as yesterday. If my math is correct, and it probably isn't, Houston Nutt, dating back to his time at Arkansas, is 12-3 against the spread when his team is a double-digit underdog. Of course, I do not know if any of those teams lost their starting center, left guard, and one-time starting running back two days before any of those games. I'm gonna go ahead and say no. But, credit those suspensions for snapping me back into whatever form of reality in which I live. Pass me something flammable and let's burn the rest of this season to the ground. Alabama to cover.

Florida (-2) at Auburn
Ted Roof versus an offense with no quarterback. IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION? STOP PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEAD.

If you're in need of dozens upon dozens and dozens of rushing attempts to get your fix, I believe we may have found the game for you. As long as Florida isn't starting John Brantley, it doesn't matter who they start because he's not good. Barrett Trotter is experiencing the standard Chris Todd slide back to the mean after a few good showings against lesser competition. When combined, you have two offensive coordinators who are going to do everything in their power to not let any of the quarterbacks screw this thing up.

Based on Auburn's offense being well ahead of Florida's, and Ted Roof with a rare winnable matchup, I'll take Auburn and the points.

Georgia (-11) at Vanderbilt
Seriously, Steve Spurrier and Connor Shaw, if you screw this up and make us watch Georgia get slaughtered like an Old Testament goat in the SEC Championship game, I will send one, maybe two, VERY sarcastic Tweets your way. You think about that could mean in the long run. Georgia to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck.

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 34-16 (.680)

South Carolina at Mississippi State
South Carolina. Ok, so Stephen Garcia is finally gone. But what does this really mean for the good folks of Columbia? Hide your daughters! Hide your wife! Garcia is primed to become that pathetic ex-footballer whose weekend starts on Wednesday night. (Not to be confused with an ex-Ghostbuster whose weekend starts on Wednesday. This is perfectly acceptable.)

LSU at Tennessee
LSU. Last week, Derek Dooley’s mother, Barbara, called in to an Athens radio show and said the following in defense of poor Derek: “Let me say this: Derek Dooley walked into a...kind of a mess. Florida, (Will Muschamp) walks in there with talent oozing out his ears. Jimbo Fisher walks into FSU with talent, and now you’re telling me that Derek Dooley is on a damn hot seat? Are you crazy? You know he played 17 freshmen against Florida? I just want to you to be nice and fair and know that you’ve probably got the greatest coach in the country and he’s gonna be there 25 years.”

In a related note, my mother and I had lunch yesterday during which we had a spirited conversation as to what is and is not an appropriate baby gift to give to my friends who are now having children. Oh, Mom, if you wanted me to chase our salads with Liquid Drano you could have just said so.

Not sure where I was going with that. I thought we were in the Trust Tree, in the Nest...are we not?

Alabama at Ole Miss
Bama. 42-0. I went to Gainesville two weeks ago, and last week I was able to watch the Vandy game from a friend’s skybox. I’m gonna be honest, it’s nice at the top. Drinks are sweeter, game dogs are tastier, my jokes are funnier, and I’m damn sure girls are prettier. Depart from me Oxford, for I never knew ye.

Florida at Auburn
Florida. I still need B. Trotts to make a late push for the Jevan Snead Award.

Georgia at Vanderbilt
UGA.


Mr. Blue
Season: 29-21 (.580)

Mississippi State
LSU
Alabama
Auburn
Vandy


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 41-9 (.820)

South Carolina
LSU
Alabama
Auburn
Georgia


Chris Low
Season: 41-9 (.820)

Alabama
Georgia
LSU
Mississippi State
Auburn


KING OF THE RING
C-USA Edition
Gray 32-5
Venkman 29-8
Poe 32-5

Rice at Marshall
Gray:  Marshall
Venkman:  Marshall
Poe:  Marshall

UCF at SMU
Gray:  SMU
Venkman:  SMU
Poe:  SMU

UTEP at Tulane
Gray:  UTEP.  Don't let me down, Pappy Price.  And stay out of the French Quarter pre-game.
Venkman:  Tulane
Poe:  Tulane

East Carolina at Memphis
Gray:  East Carolina.  If you and nine of your friends took over coaching duties at Memphis for the rest of the season, could you win as many or one more game than Larry Porter and his crew?
Venkman:  East Carolina
Poe:  East Carolina

UAB at Tulsa
Gray:  Tulsa
Venkman:  Tulsa
Poe:  Tulsa