Monday, April 25, 2011

Jim Tressel May Have Known Who Burned Down His Neighbor's House

Am I stating a fact or a wildly unsubstantiated rumor I made up 10 minutes ago?  Does Tressel even have a neighbor?  If so, did that neighbor's house burn to the ground?  Was Tressel given prior knowledge of the possibility of the fire?  DID THE FAMILY DOG MAKE IT OUT ALIVE? 

I don't know and neither does Jim Tressel, based on how he responded to the events that will surely get him fired from Ohio State, which have now escalated thanks to the NCAA putting this case on the fast track to Sanction Town.  Let this be a lesson to those of you who have not seen 17 complete seasons of Cops; pretend ignorance of the law and saying "I don't know" NEVER works out for the best.  Tressel is like the guy who gets pulled over, is acting a little too fidgety for the cop's liking, and after a few questions, the trunk is popped open and, uh-oh, there's a meth lab cooking away back there. 

"Sir, what is all of this for?"

"Just some supplies I need."



"You're not making crystal meth are you?"

"Uh, no.  What is...I don't know what that is."

"Sir, you're not lying to me are you?"

"No, I just...these are things I need."

"To make crystal meth?"

"I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm just driving home."

"Sir, I think you know what you're doing with all of this."

"No, this is just stuff I needed to pick up."

"Sir, you do know making crystal meth is illegal?"

"What?  No, I don't know.  This belongs to friend."

"Sir, I'm gonna ask you to turn around and put your hands behind your back."

"I didn't know this was wrong.  These are just bowls and some ammonia that I need."

"Sir, please turn around."

/sprints away
/run down within 50 yards of car and cracked in the back with a night stick
/high fives between sheriff's department deputies

While Jim Tressel is being processed at the local detention center, Florida's Janoris Jenkins is doing his best to find a way into the detention center.  Jenkins was arrested for the third time in the past year, and the second time in four months for possession of Gator Juice, more commonly known to those outside the Florida football program as marijuana.  At this rate, Jenkins will be arrested four more times for possession before the end of 2011, which is a blistering pace that even some of the great Gators of years past have to stop and admire. 

And speaking of admiration, a tip of the cap to the person in charge of filling out waivers at Ole Miss.  For the second time this year, the Rebels have smashed through the NCAA limitations on transfer quarterbacks, as West Virginia transfer Barry Brunetti was made eligible by the NCAA for the 2011 season.  Brunetti, clearly relieved by the decision, was seen in class today looking like every high school transfer student ever.

If only our opponents had the muscle of these waivers.

/blindingly bright angel appears in vision to tell of BYU scoring 52 points in first game of the season


  1. I think Tressel survives it. If the university decides they aren't going to go to bat for him and prove why he should stay, I would expect to hear they are letting him go pretty soon. Do you really wait until August to fire your head coach 3 or 4 weeks before the season starts? Sure, he is suspended for 5 games, but I just can't picture the university waiting until then to let everyone know they aren't going to fight to keep him on board.

  2. Hey, look! A comment! These are about as rare as Tressel letting it rip on a third and 12.

    I might agree with you under normal circumstances, but I think, given the suspensions of major contributing players for almost half the season, plus general turmoil and angst, Ohio State probably knows this season is done before it starts. So it wouldn't surprise me to see them fire Tressel close to the NCAA appearance date. Especially since you know that's going to be a part of the deal they cut with the NCAA to keep from getting USC'd.

    /drinks deeply of the conspiracy theory Kool-aid