As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible).
"So, we're approaching this spring like the Russians approached the Crimean War. You've got the Danubian Principalities, which we want, but you know there's going to be some conflict. And we're worried about it. But we can't be. And that's the way..."
"Uh, Coach, uh, yeah, so are we gonna get started or what?"
"Why, Tyler Bray, so glad you could step in here. I was just telling these folks about the Crimean War. It's been the focus of our whole offseason. Why don't you tell them about how we're the Russians and what we're trying to do this spring."
"You know, the Russians? Us?"
"You see what I'm dealing with here, people. It's like the Pequots in the Pequot War. See, back then..."
"What's up, brosephs? I think I left some index cards or something around here. Anyone seen anything?"
"No? Okay. No biggie. I'll just snag some from the supply closet on my way out. Oh, by the way, if you see Ed wandering around, tell him I'm outside in the Escalade."
"Hey, Coach Kiffin, what do you think of this?"
/takes off shirt
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDEEEEE. That is some sweet ink. Just kick-ass, bro. Hey, if you're ever considering making a change, let me know, dude."
/hands Bray a business card
"Awesome. Thanks, coach. Wow, this is gonna be the best spring ever."
/goes 5 for 30 in spring game and loses 24-7