As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible). And to catch up, we're ramping up production, trying to hit two schools a day.
First up today, Vanderbilt (no, seriously, they did hire Maryland's offensive coordinator to be their head coach; you did not dream that):
"Hey there, folks, you may remember me like you remember your first trip to wring the necks of some chickens on your granddaddy's farm. My name is Robbie Caldwell. I used to coach here, but stepped aside at the end of last season. Lucky for me, the good folks here at Vanderbilt wanted to keep me around to help give tours of the campus. I guess they liked my folksy ways and tales of old. And goshdarnit if I didn't say I'd do it!
Today, we're gonna see what Coach Franklin and the young men have been up to this spring. So let's get moving before you change your minds! Haha!"
"Whoa, look out here, folks! Haha! Some of my friends got out of their pens. This is Donny, Popeye, Shady Bo, Pete...well, not enough time to properly introduce you to all of them. Watch your step. They're friendly enough, but they'll give you the goose if you're not careful. Haha! You know what I mean? Haha!"
/coughs from laughing too much
"You're in luck, we've got a big crowd on hand to watch today. Should really juice up the atmosphere. Heck fire, I don't think there were this many people at my high school graduation! Haha! But that's what you get when you go to school in a barn with cows as your classmates! Haha!"
"There's Coach Franklin now, with our starting running back. Boy, he sure looks small don't he? I've wrestled turkeys bigger than him! Haha! And no, I do not mean turkeys in the figurative sense, but real, live turkeys. Those things are mean as heck."
/lifts shirt to show 9-inch scar on stomach
"Mean as heck, I tell ya'."
"Coach Franklin is really emphasizing special teams this year. We may not score many points so we've got to take advantage of the opportunities we do get. I don't know what they're doing here. I always thought you were supposed to kick it through the posts, not at them. But I didn't study the rules that carefully! Books are like speaking Chinese to me! Haha!"
"We're tryin' to get faster this spring. So we went around campus asking people if they're fast and can play football. I think this fella right here is gonna make a fine defensive end."
"Now, folks, that is THE Larry Smith. I know, it's a bit much to take in for the first time. But it's like I told Larry the first time I met him. I said, 'Larry, you don't forget your old coach when you leave this place for bigger and better things.' He told me, 'Sure thing, Coach.' Haha! What a great kid!"
/dances like a turkey
"Well, I suppose we should get out of Coach Franklin's hair now. Oh, wait, he's like me! There ain't none there! Haha!"
/coughs from laughter and dancing
"Let's head back to where we started and we'll wrap this thing up."
"Here's my card if you need to get in touch with me or hear of any coaching jobs. On the other side of that picture of us beating Ole Miss, that's right, OLE MISS, is all my contact information.
Thank y'all for stopping by today. Hope you have a great rest of your day."
Meanwhile, somewhere in Florida:
"I shall return."