As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible). And to catch up, we're ramping up production, trying to hit two schools a day.
Lastly for today, Arkansas:
"BECAUSE WE DESERVE TO KNOW ALL THE DETAILS, BOTH MUNDANE AND INTIMATE, OF BOBBY PETRINO'S LIFE."
"Hey guys, just wanted to come by and encourage you since the Family Arm won't be around to win y'all no more games."
"Hey, Family Arm, how are you handling the drug rumor questions?
"Yo, Coach, that was you?"
"That's ice cold, man. Ice cold, yo."
/slinks out of practice
"No one leaves until I say they can! NO ONE, I SAY, NO ONE!
"What the hell are you wearing?"
"Uh, a scarf. My wife bought it for me."
"You look ridiculous. It's 75 degrees."
"I was, uh, I was just trying something new."
"How about trying to teach defense? That's something new. Thought about that one, Mr. GQ fancy pants?"
"I, uh, well, uh, I-"
"Get out of my sight. Come back when you look the part of an overwhelmed defensive coordinator.
"Right here, Coach."
"Have you memorized the one-blocker protection schemes we're installing?"
"Uh, yes, Coach, but I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Don't you think, you know, I'm going to get hit a lot and throw back-breaking interceptions, like Ryan did in the Sugar Bowl?"
"How dare you speak to me that way. I will not take that from some redshirt sack of collapsed-in-the-Auburn game. Go iron my pants. AND TAKE IT EASY ON THE STARCH THIS TIME."
"Coach, I'm back. Is this overwhelmed enough for you?"
"Yes, that's what I wanted to see. Now, how many points am I going to have to score a game to make up for whatever disaster you create?"
"Uh, wow, I don't know. Say 31-35?"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Uh, yeah, yeah, yes. That should do it."
"Excellent. 35 it is. Now, you're late for your TV interview with the local affiliate. Hurry along."
"Will do, but I'm gonna grab some pants before I head over. You know how uncomfortable and self-conscious I get when I'm on TV wearing shorts."
"You will not get pants. Go now."
"DO AS I SAY!!!"
"We're now joined by Arkansas defensive coordinator Willy Robinson, and Coach, it's good to have you here..."