As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible).
FINALLY, Ole Miss:
"Oooooohhh, buddy! So excited! Spring practice! Chance to get better. Get more awesome. Love it. Time to buckle up that, let's get better. Who wants to dance? Anyone? Kentrell? Oh, right. The crutches thing. You take it easy big guy. Come'on. Let's dance!"
"Now those are some real moves over there! Whoooo! My hips can't do that. No, sir. Too stiff. No twitch. Too old I guess. That's why I just kinda rock back and forth. Less stress on the hips.
Did you know dancing used to be against the law? Not sure where I heard that. Rotary Club meeting I think. Can't imagine that. Life's too short not to dance. You got to feel it though. Can't fake feelin' it."
"Come to think of it, better put those people on the board. Circle of the Uncommitted. Those non-dancers. Not sure I can believe in those who don't like to move it."
"Uh, Coach, yeah. Don't mean to interrupt the dance party, but I've been thinking. I don't think I want to be here anymore. Well, it's like every time I get close to getting to play, you bring in like five new guys. I think I just wanna try somewhere else."
"Board him. Uninvested."
"Bad news, Coach. DT Shackelford just hurt his knee. Probably ACL. I think he might be done for the year."
"Can't trust those things. Those ACLs. Some work, some don't. Put 'em on the board."
"That reminds me. Car batteries. Died this morning. Was 35 minutes late to work. Can't have that happen. Put it on the board."
"Coach, a manager just told me the weather's supposed to be bad tomorrow. Thunderstorms with lightning. I think we should go ahead and tell the guys we'll be inside tomorrow."
"Oh, boy, man. You know, you don't want to mess with that stuff. Safety is key. Safety is always key. Hate that we can't be out in the elements. Better put lightning up there. Too dangerous to be around."
"Might as well put tornadoes up there. Before it slips my mind. Man, those things are scary. Give me the willies."
"Coach, you got a second? Wanted to run a formation by you in which our tackle takes the snap and pitches to the quarterback."
"I don't know about that one there, David. Seems kinda fishy. I've got a few ideas...wait, hold on. Need some pen and paper. Have a some more things that need to go on the board. Don't want to let them fly out of my thoughts. Can't catch thoughts that fly away."
/furiously scribbles down notes
/hands notes to manager to update the Circles of Circles
"Now, that just might do it there. We just watch ourselves around those things and we'll avoid all the traps and snares of the summer. Maybe we'll make them better as we get better. Don't want to get caught, you know.
Alright! Let's go to work!"
"Oh, hey, Coach. What are you still doing here? Practice ended three hours ago."
NOTE: This brings the spring practice series to a close. I hope everyone enjoyed the show. We'll now resume our regularly scheduled marginally insanity-based programming.