As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible). And to catch up, we're ramping up production, trying to hit two schools a day.
First up today, Georgia:
"Hello, friend. Glad you could stop by today. Don't mind us, we're just practicing over here. Feel free to walk around, poke your head in doors that aren't locked, and pry open doors that are locked.
Even though I've never seen you or know anything about you, we trust you enough that you'll need no guide or someone to make sure you don't do anything that could damage our program. When you're done looking around, stop back by and say goodbye. Have fun, friend."
"OOOOHHHHH, IT'S A DEEP BURN! OOOOOHHHHHH!!! Oh, hey, sorry. Didn't hear you come in. Just working the arms with my shake weight. Coach Richt thinks it will help prevent dead arm.
What's that? Sure, I guess. I don't think anyone is using that computer. Go ahead, take it. It's yours."
"One puppy for sale! It's, like, you know, small and stuff. Like a puppy. I gotta...oh, hey, man. What you doin' in here? Lookin' around? That's cool. Hey, you want this puppy? I could let it go for, say, two, maybe three.
No, man, hundred. Not two dollars. I got expenses you know. I tell you what, I'll even throw in some of the food I'm supposed to give it. No deal? Awwww, man. Come on, now. Well, if you change your mind, I'll be here."
"Hey, pot-na, wanna buy a ring?"
/shriek and slam door
"So, Coach, then I said, 'NO! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT! And she's like, I mean, she's like 'Whatever,' but I, I, I...you know what that's like, man? It's like, like (vomits everywhere)
I'm so sorry. So sorry, Coach. I'm kinda, you know, kinda, kinda losing it.
I love you, man. No, seriously, I LOVE you, Coach. You're the best."
"Oh, hey there again, friend. Sorry you had to see that with foam UGA. He's hit a rough patch right now. Trying to get his life back together. Oh, Coach Bowden? Yeah, we let him hang around. Makes him feel like he's contributing to coaching.
I love the guy. He's been like a second father to me. One of my professional mentors. But you didn't buy a ring from him, did you? Whew. Good. Because those things are NOT real.
Oh, wow. Look at the time. I gotta get going. I'm due at the pool in five minutes."
"Hey, bud, good to see you again. Hey, have you seen Coach Richt? The pool? Awesome. Oh, it's nothing. I kinda backed my Yaris into his Range Rover.
I don't think it did any real damage, but I thought he should know. Oh, man, I hope he doesn't make me do any more shake weight sets. Gotta run. Later."
"Now attempting a new world record backwards swan dive, your coach, Mark Richt!"
"Wow, this looked much easier in the video."
"Hi, I'm Jackie Sherrill, and I approve of letting unmonitored guests, shadowy figures, and whoever else wants to, wander around football complexes."