Your SEC Power Boosters Breakdown

As the Cam Newton out-of-controlness continues to reach new heights, many of you have probably read about Auburn booster Milton McGregor, bingo parlor and dog track baron.  Now, this may seem odd that someone involved in such a, what's the word....I HOPE NO ONE I KNOW SEES ME HERE business, is heavily involved with an athletic program, but this is how the South works.  We, and I'm speaking as if I'm involved in an athletic department, embrace anyone that has money, as long as the check clears.  Fueling the football monster isn't cheap.

So for those of you unfamiliar with the SEC, or perhaps those without your fingers on the pulse of the conference, consider this your tutorial in who actually runs things at each school in the SEC.

WESTERN DIVISION
Alabama





People who buy this shit
Yes, there are more prominent and influential boosters, but the backbone to the Alabama cash machine are the good folks from Muscle Shoals and Foley who couldn't find Tuscaloosa on a map, but buy Alabama merchandise as if the ghost of Bear Bryant appeared in their living room during an episode of Judge Joe Brown and commanded them to do so.

Arkansas

Sellers of affordable and economical everyday items

Auburn





Dog track, bingo establishment and bank owners
DOG TRACK AND BINGO PARLOR BARONS and a guy who used to run a successful regional bank. And no, I will never tire of the idea of a dog track and bingo parlor baron calling the shots.

LSU

James Carville
I vividly remember seeing him before an Ole Miss/LSU game in Baton Rouge and remarking that yes, he also looks that weird in person. I should also mention that I have no idea about any LSU boosters. But he seems like a logical fit.

Mississippi State

Bryan Hot Dogs
Delicious when grilled properly.

Ole Miss

Lawyers
Even if they are in jail. We have the guy who started Netscape (remember when that was popular? Like 1997?), but he donated a chunk of money to academics and education. WASTE OF PRECIOUS RESOURCES.

EASTERN DIVISION
(Admittedly, I know next to nothing about who's in charge over here, but I did my best in research and asking around)
Florida

The sun
Probably the most influential booster in the conference. Because when he is done with the league, we turn into the Big Ten.

/projectile vomits on floor, wall, sink, refrigerator, table, television and mirror

Georgia

Coke
Why not? Close enough to Athens. And much like Georgia, is sweet and ultimately results in softness of the body.

Kentucky

Whiskey and bourbon
I can't speak to the Kentucky Gentleman distillery, but the Maker's Mark distillery tour and grounds were fantastic. If you ever find yourself in the ass-middle of nowhere in Kentucky and want to get further into the ass-middle of nowhere, I highly recommend making the trek to visit the Maker's Mark setup.

South Carolina

State's rights
Not sure if he files a tax return or not, given his distaste of the federal government, but if not, the Gamecocks could run into some trouble later.

Tennessee

Davy Crockett
Look, I said before my knowledge was limited. I also considered Jimmy Dean Sausages, but was unsure of the loyalties of that fine company. By the way, if you've never seen the episode of Cops where a domestic dispute spawns over the ownership rights to a package of Jimmy Dean Sausages, you, my friend, HAVE NEVER LIVED.

Vanderbilt

Jefferson Pilot Financial
If these assholes and the SEC didn't throw them on TV at the unholy hour of 11 AM on seemingly every Saturday in the early to mid 2000s, their ship would have sunk years ago.