TEXAS PETE HOT SAUCE WEEK 12 POWER POLL
Carefully scored by a panel of three judges, former figure skater Scott Hamilton, current Secretary of the Navy (and former Mississippi governor) Ray Mabus, and a shadowy Russian judge (who probably knows all about the Cam Newton payment plan), this poll attempts to rank those in the SEC who are living the good life. And by that I mean should probably go buy lottery tickets in bulk. Pronto.
1. The Federal Bureau of Investigation
From the standard rumors to outstandingly detailed rumors to the little bits of factual evidence that have come out, the fine men and women of this organization apparently hold the key to whether or not Auburn is essentially wiped off the map. Paying for players, wire taps, middle men, Bishops, DOG TRACK AND BINGO MACHINE BARONS. It's the greatest story ever told.
2. Bill Bell
Wednesday was the day many have been saying was coming and it finally hit. Bell revealed to news sources that he did have taped recordings and text messages from Kenny Rodgers and Cecil Newton, Sr. where a payment plan for acquiring Cam Newton's services was discussed. I expect his house to be burned to the ground by the Cult of Auburn.
3. John Bond
Simply because he can backup everything Bell has said. Also, his house will be burned to the ground.
4. Les Miles
Hey, look, our first football person! Miles has gone just over a month without doing something that leaves fans of opposing schools questioning their core beliefs, and providing his own fans with a sense of impending death, immediately followed by a euphoric high. I'm not sayin', but I'm sayin'.
5. Ted Roof
6. Steve Addazio
Gainfully employed and got a vote of confidence from Urban Meyer this week.
7. Steve Spurrier
SEC East Champion with STEPHEN GARCIA as his quarterback. Though it took three conference losses to get there, I'd say that's ahead of the Garcia curve.
8. Stephen Garcia
It's been almost a week and I still can't believe he pulled it off. The odds of this happening are something akin to Cecil Newton, Sr. not getting caught on tape discussing money. Wait, no, slightly better than that. My mistake.
9. Nick Saban
While Auburn deals with Hurricane NCAA/FBI/BillBell/Shitstorm, Saban lies in wait, like a fire-breathing cobra that spits throwing knives, ready to destroy (before the NCAA does) Auburn's shot at a national championship.
Oh, hey there, Wildcats. Sort of forgot you're now bowl eligible. Do you know anything about the Cam Newton story? No? Okay, please move to the back. No, the back. Keep going. No, no. WAY back. By that door. The one that has "alarm will sound if opened on it." That's it. And if you could pick up any trash while back there, that'd be great.
Last week: 6-1
Season: 64-17 (.790)
Georgia State at Alabama
Little known fact about this place: This blog was originally started as a way for me to vent my outrage that Rod Barnes was still being allowed to coach basketball at Ole Miss. Barnes was in the middle of his third straight losing season and a season in which he would win four conference games for the third straight year (he did actually win five in the second year of that stretch). After making the NCAA Tournament in 2002, Barnes would go 55-63 (17-47 SEC) in the following four years before Pete Boone remembered we had a basketball team and fired him (or maybe he resigned, whatever).
So for the Ole Miss fans thinking Rod Barnes would be a better solution than Andy Kennedy (I think these are the same people who are interested in mascot crap), let that record sink in. And to sweeten the deal, you should probably know he's 33-61 in three years at Georgia State. I'll be the first to admit Kennedy needs to get his ass in the NCAA Tournament, but the guy knows what he's doing, unlike his predecessor, who destroyed the tiny sliver of basketball success we had built.
Troy at South Carolina
I don't think there's any doubt South Carolina will lose to either Troy or Clemson. IT'S WHAT THEY DO. I'll give Spurrier and Garcia the benefit of the doubt and say they lose next week.
/will forget this and pick South Carolina next week
Appalachian State at Florida
Relax, Steve. You're job isn't on the line here. Now, when you throw up a 10-spot on Florida State, then Urban may recant his desire for solutions and make your firing the solution.
Ole Miss at LSU
I've been to the Ole Miss/LSU game in Tiger Stadium four times. And all four times I've seen Ole Miss win. I'm not sure how that happened, but thanks to schedules and logistics and shit, I have been fortunate enough to miss the vicious thrashings and soul-numbing losses that have happened there. The Orgeron collapse in 2006 and the Eli Manning pass off the face of Trumaine Turner inside the five-yard line (LSU led 14-13 and Ole Miss only needed a field goal to win) that was intercepted immediately come to mind. Had I been there for those, I probably wouldn't be typing this right now because I would have jumped off the top of Tiger Stadium.
I was unable to go to the Eli-pass-off-the-face game in 2002 because I was in a friend's wedding that weekend (note to you yet-to-be-married folk: NEVER GET MARRIED IN THE FALL; if you do, you deserve to have people not show up for your wedding). So Saturday night, while at the reception during the game, my dad kept going out to his car to check the score on the radio (additional note: this was before cell phones did cool things). As I knew the game had to be almost over, I headed outside to hear the end of it. Before I got to the parking lot, I saw my dad walking towards me. He looked as if his wife, children and our dog had all been brutally murdered in front of his eyes. Then he told me what happened. I stood there for a second to contemplate why in the hell I follow this team, went back inside, ordered another Budweiser and ate something close to 23 pounds of prime rib and other meats.
The point of all of this is that I don't want to talk about this game. We're going to lose and I'm glad the logistics and shit failed me once again so I don't have to watch my team get slowly clubbed to death with a gumbo serving spoon by this LSU team. But, hey, if America is up for an awful game to watch, tune in to CBS at 2:30!
Arkansas at Mississippi State
With a new acknowledgment that the running game exists, this Arkansas offense may be turning into an even more unstoppable force. Throw in that State always has problems with Arkansas and that Nick Saban just gave the Hogs a defensive blueprint on how to dominate State's offense, and I don't like the Bulldogs' chances. Granted, Arkansas does not have the defensive talent Alabama has, but State isn't exactly lighting it up on offense (8th in total and 11th in scoring). And the State defense, while 3rd in scoring, gives up a lot of yards (7th total and 8th in passing).
I expect the Bulldogs will blitz and blitz heavily, trying to disrupt Mallett and take advantage of his strong ability to crumple to the ground at the slightest touch. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a good matchup for State at all. Their defense has not faced the type of offense they'll see on Saturday. It's much more aggressive and sophisticated than anyone they've played all year, and I'm not seeing how they'll be able to stop Arkansas from scoring. I think State's offense will be able to have some success moving, but unless Arkansas turns the ball over in large gift basket amounts, I don't think State can keep up with them.
Tennessee at Vanderbilt
These teams are a combined 2-11 in the SEC and only the Ole Miss Rebels can claim the right to have been beaten by both of them. There's a feather for your caps, Houston Nutt and Tyrone Nix. Even more disturbing than that (well, no, nothing is more disturbing than that), when Tennessee wins this game, they'll just need to beat Kentucky to become bowl eligible. TENNESSEE. One of the great garbage teams in America could be bowling. THE HORROR. So, have we fired Tyrone Nix yet?