Coordinator Returnability Index

As the college football season winds down (PRAISE ALL THINGS THAT ARE DECENT AND HOLY), rumors are swirling as to which coordinators in the conference will be moving on to other opportunities in 2011, and which coordinators will be given no more opportunities in 2011.  Some of these swirls are mere gentle, soothing breezes, while others are F9 tornadoes that travel 600 miles across four states.  To help you, fair reader, keep tabs on what could be happening on your team's coaching staff come December (for teams like Ole Miss) or January (like legitimate teams), The Belly of the Beast embarks on an assessment of each school in the SEC.  I'm using a very sophisticated rating scale that determines the likelihood of each coordinator's return, so don't bother asking how it works because I have neither the time nor the patience.

ALABAMA
Jim McElwain, Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

WRASTLIN'
Had its heyday, followed by a resurgence in the late '90s, then slowly fell out of the minds of the majority of contributors to society, now only die-hards can be found still supporting it.

Kirby Smart, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

ANOTHER DAMN HARRY POTTER MOVIE
What are we up to now, 14 of these things? I think two have come out since June.

ARKANSAS
Bobby Petrino, Head Coach/Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

UNABLE TO COMPUTE; INSUFFICIENT DATA ON LOYALTY AND SEEING THE JOB THROUGH

Willy Robinson, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

THE NHL
I could see it, but either way, I don't care.

AUBURN
Gus Malzahn, Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

ANOTHER DAMN HARRY POTTER MOVIE
I would have scored this one at 100% if not for a job offer and acceptance that's sure to come unless the stink of NCAA violations can be found on Malzahn.

Ted Roof, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

REEBOK
Both could be big one day in Europe. Or Chile. Or the moon.

FLORIDA
Steve Addazio, Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

THE SUN
Oh, Urban, how I love your stubbornness. "I'M NOT INTO BLAME, I'M NOT INTO EXCUSES. WE'RE INTO SOLUTIONS."

/examines solutions
/sees firing Addazio listed at the top

Teryl Austin, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

THE NHL
Would you know if he didn't?

GEORGIA
Mike Bobo, Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

WRASTLIN'
He's only this high due to loyalty from Mark Richt, otherwise, he'd be in Tyrone Nix territory.

Todd Grantham, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

ANOTHER DAMN HARRY POTTER MOVIE
Though fond of taunting college kickers, Grantham has performed very well this year. He just misses out on The Sun ranking due to the small chance Richt doesn't come back.

KENTUCKY
No effort was made to research and calculate.

LSU
Gary Crowton, Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

GUNS 'N ROSES
It will remain my undying wish, as well as a source of disappointment.

John Chavis, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

THE SUN
Like Ted Roof should do with Gus Malzahn, Les Miles should send one or more of his paychecks to Chavis.

MISSISSIPPI STATE
Dan Mullen, Head Coach/Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

ANOTHER DAMN HARRY POTTER MOVIE
All depends on the State finish and the desire for a coach who fixed Sylvester Croom's mess in two years.

Manny Diaz, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:
See: Mullen, Dan

OLE MISS
Houston Nutt, Head Coach/Offensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as

THE SUN
We may be crazy and unstable, but we're not that crazy.

Tyrone Nix, Defensive Coordinator
Chance of coming back the same as:

MYSPACE
Design, organization and usefulness the same across the board: HORRIBLE.

SOUTH CAROLINA
THE SUN across the board.

TENNESSEE
No effort was made to research and calculate.

VANDERBILT

RED X
System failure. Memory erased.