Tennessee 52, Ole Miss 14
Handshakes, backslaps and complimentary drinks for you, Houston Nutt and Tyrone Nix. The two of you, in short and aggressive fashion, have turned a team with a smattering of talent into the worst team in the SEC. Yes, you have somehow developed a team that cannot beat Tennessee and Vanderbilt, the least talented teams in recent SEC history. I credit your lack of adjustments, teaching and whatever the hell legitimate coaches do. This, and I hesitate to use this word, football team could not beat one of the Ed Orgeron teams. Not one. And it would probably give up 300+ passing yards and four touchdowns to Seth Adams. SETH ADAMS.
Color me as no offensive genius, but when I know that Tennessee's run defense is awful and has ZERO defensive tackles that should be playing, I do what I can to dedicate myself to the run with my best running back, or as Houston Nutt calls it, "the hot hand." So I guess the results from Saturday mean Brandon Bolden with 12 carries for 113 yard and two TDs (NINE POINT FOUR YARDS A CARRY) was not the hot hand, nor the best running back, and needed to give away 11 carries to Enrique Davis (40 yards, 3.6/carry). Couple that with a quarterback who did not practice the regular amount this week and had the accuracy of a Cecil Newton, Sr. public comment, I'm not sure a more piss poor offensive attack could have been created. Unless Bolden has the conditioning my aging, out-of-shape self has, he should be run until he PUKES.
As for the defense, let's make this as succinct as possible: Tyrone Nix, would you like your severance payment in one lump sum or in three installments over two years (similar to Auburn's Cam Newton payment plan)? I don't know what you've been attempting to do this year, but even Ted Roof has the right to look down his nose at you, which means you are a defensive leper and shall be moving to where the rest of the unclean reside. But I'll tell you what, I looked around the house and found two boxes I don't need, so consider them my parting gift to you. However, I will need that packing tape back.
Two final comments before I move on to more gentle typing on my laptop: One, kudos to our coaches for leaving in the starters until the bitter end. Senior defensive tackle Lawon Scott, one of our legitimate players, and his broken ankle and potential pro career thank you for your stupidity. There are only two games left, so choose wisely who you want to miss spring practice while recovering from an injury sustained in a worthless blowout loss. And two, Tyler Bray is a lucky bastard. Yes, he put up solid yardage and touchdowns, but when the day comes where he must play a real defense, his recklessness with the ball will bite him firmly and heartily in the ass. He was spared this game due to incompetence, hands made of stone and shiny objects that distract defensive players while the ball is in the air.
Wait, one more. Congratulations to Jeremiah Masoli for overtaking Stephen Garcia in the standings of the 2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure.
Kentucky 38, Vanderbilt 20
A bright, big gold star for me because I, despite the temptation, watched zero minutes of this game AND did not see a single highlight. Probably my proudest moment from the weekend. It's either that or when I shot who I thought was Fidel Castro in the head while playing Call of Duty Black Ops. Tough choice.
Auburn 49, Georgia 31
As long as Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray doesn't play the defensive Lee Ziemba, commonly known as Nick Fairley, anymore, he should have a long and extremely successful career. Given the environment and the spearing and leg-sweeping he was dealing with, Murray was fantastic. It helps that he had A.J. Green and a Ted Roof secondary, but he showed decent accuracy and excellent moves in the pocket to avoid sacks and season-ending injuries. His only killer mistake was the overthrow of the big, tall white wide receiver (#16; no, I will not look up his name) in the end zone, which led Georgia to settling for a field goal (cut it to 35-31 instead of tying it).
As for Auburn and Cam Newton, we still don't know what will be proven regarding his DAD SELLING HIS SERVICES TO PLAY COLLEGE FOOTBALL, but what we do know is that HE'S GUILTY. I continue to be amazed by Auburn's attitude of defiance. Not they've reached the Southern Cal level of defiance and cult-like behavior concerning NCAA matters, but I think they're heading down that path. Humility, not arrogant assholishness, goes a long way when the NCAA and curious reporters are all up in your business. But, hey, Auburn fans, enjoy the following 12 hours celebrating your SEC West championship before the next Cam Newton story breaks in which your school and money are mentioned in the same sentence!
Arkansas 58, UTEP 21
Knile Davis is a freight train straight out of hell! Another 182 yards and a touchdown.
LSU 51, Former Directional School 0
LSU total yards: 251
LSU completions: 8
LSU passes: 22
LSU passing yards: 95
People surprised by this: 0
South Carolina 36, Florida 14
It was as thorough of an ass-kicking as Steve Spurrier has delivered while at South Carolina. As expected, Florida struggled to show a fraction of offensive competency (35 yards rushing), spraying the field with incomplete passes and boos from the home crowd. A tip of the hat to Stephen Garcia, who played under control and now finds himself playing in an extremely meaningful game. Lord knows he has taken metric tons of crap, so it's great to see him finally breaking through, if only to blow our minds with epic stupidity on the SEC Championship Game stage. But, South Carolina, know that everyone else is behind you in your quest to beat an Auburn team you had beaten the first time you played before shitting the bed in the fourth quarter. Now, go and enjoy your impending loss to Troy.
Also, if Marcus Lattimore got his shot at the Ole Miss defense, he'd run for 717 yards and 11 touchdowns.
Alabama 30, Mississippi State 10
From the great Cousin Eddie in the disaster that was Vegas Vacation, "I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody put a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose." It was indeed an angry Alabama team that showed up and, aided by State's inability to slap together even a rickety form of a passing game, they punished the Bulldogs on both sides of the ball. The most exciting news to come out of this game was that Tyler Russell, backup quarterback Tyler Russell, has a strong shot at finishing in the top five in the conference in interceptions, despite only throwing 67 passes this season. I'm rooting for you, Tyler. Good luck.
GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE
Wisconsin 83, Indiana 20
My apologies, Mississippi State fans, I spoke too soon. Ahem, Indiana fans (if you really exist), "I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody put a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose."
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina
40 carries, 212 yards, 3 TDs
I think if Spurrier could get away with it, Lattimore would carry 55 times against Auburn. Unfortunately, Auburn isn't so bad at stopping the run, which forces THE HAND OF GARCIA.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Jeremiah Masoli, QB, Ole Miss
7-18, 80 yards, 0 TDs, 3 INTs
The good news is that by playing, Masoli prevented Nathan Stanley from putting up this line and destroying what millimeters of confidence he has left.
JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina
Welcome back, Ball Coach. And thanks to you, the following programs are the only ones that have never gone to Atlanta: Kentucky, Vanderbilt and Ole Miss. BUT WHAT ABOUT COLONEL REBEL! HOW DARE THEY TOUCH MY TRADITIONS! BLACK BEARS ARE STUPID!
/drinks paint thinner
/sets oven to 350
2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season
1. Jeremiah Masoli 10
2. Stephen Garcia 9
3. Jordan Jefferson 8
Ryan Mallett 8
Mike Hartline 8
6. John Brantley 7
7. Aaron Murray 6
Tyler Russell 6
Cam Newton 6
10. Matt Simms 5
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Ole Miss at LSU
Again, America, another chance to watch this traveling shitshow for the second straight week!
Arkansas at Mississippi State
A game in which the bowl pecking order will be affected. The winner is probably the leader for Cotton Bowl consideration and if LSU stumbles or slips into the BCS, potentially the Capital One Bowl.