Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Inside Gene Chizik's Office

As rumors, accusations and general hysteria swirl around Cam Newton's recruitment to Auburn, Gene Chizik and company return to his plush office to rest moments after facing ESPN, The New York Times and Fox Sports in a rumble that could best be described as curb-stompingly violent.

Chizik: Boy, that escalated quickly...I mean that really got out of hand fast.

Jay Jacobs: It jumped up a notch.

Chizik: It did, didn't it?

Ted Roof: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.

Chizik: I saw that. Ted killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?

Roof: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

Trooper Taylor: Yo, dawg, that was some CRAZY SHIT! A trident? That's straight gangsta, Ted! Gimme some!
(exchanges chest bump with Roof, waves towel repeatedly)

Chizik: (takes long drink of his Miller High Life) Ted, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

I'm proud of you fellas. You kept your head on a swivel. That's what you've got to do when you're in a vicious cockfight.

Jacobs: Can you believe Forde, Low, Shlabach, and Thamel? "Did you pay him? Have you investigated this? What's his eligibility status?"

Taylor: This Cam Newton business is really hurting our rep.

Chizik: I know exactly what you mean, Trooper. Every reporter in this country is laughing at us. And I don't like it. I don't like the put-downs. We're gonna do something about it. It's time to put an end to this!

Last time I checked, my name's Gene Chizik. What's your name?

Jacobs: Jay Jacobs

Taylor: Trooper Taylor

Roof: Jay Jacobs

Taylor: No, dawg, you're Ted.

Roof: Trooper.

Taylor: I'm Trooper.

Roof: Gus.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous9:49 PM

    Nah, that's not what happened at all. I'm pretty sure Chizik and others did some serious corporate reading:

    "The righteous will rejoice when he sees the vengeance;
    he will bathe his feet in the blood of the wicked.
    Mankind will say "Surely there is a reward for the righteous."


    "Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people!"

    etc. etc. etc.