Advance warning: My usual non-objective analysis will be full of even more non-objectivity due to my trip to Oxford. I saw a smattering of the Tennessee/South Carolina game and remembered how miserable it is to watch South Carolina 98% of the time. Would it kill them to ever put together a consistent game?
South Carolina 38, Tennessee 24
What's the best way to spice things up on a 2-6 and winless team in the SEC? Create a quarterback controversy that is the least compelling quarterback controversy ever. Matt Simms and Tyler Bray, anyone? CHOSE YOUR SIDE. It's like the Bills trying to decide between J.P. Losman and Trent Edwards/Ryan Fitzpatrick. Only, I don't think Tennessee will be moving to Toronto in a few years. Well, unless it helps recruiting efforts (then it is so on).
South Carolina made yet another valiant effort to keep an inferior team in the game for as long as possible. This task is usually accomplished though general disinterest, Stephen Garcia, Spurrier's daydreams of life with Danny Wuerffel and a South Carolina secondary that can be best described as "here's another 35 yards free of charge." And the secondary was especially sharp on Saturday, allowing Losman and Fitzpatrick to combine for 312 yards and three TDs. It's only fitting that the year South Carolina finally makes it to Atlanta is the year that every other team in the SEC East is slightly more proficient in general failure and bed-shitting.
Florida 34, Georgia 31
From last Thursday's post which shows you just how smart and insightful yours truly is. BOW TO MY SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE OF MARK RICHT'S MEDIOCRITY:
"Given Florida's alleged offense, all signs point to Georgia as the winner. However, two things come to mind: 1. Georgia is terrible and lost to COLORADO. 2. Mark Richt is owned by Urban Meyer (1-4 against him) and just about any team of equal strength.
Look, I know Florida is awful and Georgia has shown signs of life after COLORADO slapped them around for 60 minutes. But there is not a chance in hell I would ever pick Mark Richt to win a game against Florida. NONE. I don't care that Steve Addazio would be questioned by parents of a Pop Warner league team as he continually called for sweeps and options with the fat kid, Mark Richt was born to lose games like this. BORN TO."
Auburn 51, Ole Miss 31
You will receive your severance checks at your listed address. If you do not receive any of the checks, please contact accounting. Thank you for your services and we wish you luck in the future. Now go pack up your shit and get the hell out.
And handshakes, back slaps and hearty congratulations to Ed Orgeron, as he now has a peer that is just as horrible, and possibly worse, at coordinating defenses. There are those who will argue that the players we have are not very good. And while this is true, those bad players are still the very same bad players they were the day of the Jacksonville State game. The same mistakes are being made and the same results are being had (see: points, gallons of scored on Ole Miss). No one has improved one single percentage point. NOT ONE. That is on Tyrone Nix.
I know Auburn with Cam Newton is a good offensive team (seeing him in person, it's terrifying just how big he is and how effortlessly he moves around), so I wasn't expecting defensive domination (or even anything less than 28 points) but some kind of stretches of competency should be taking place by now. What we have now is the most embarrassing form of defense I've ever seen. And I watched every game in which Art Kaufman, Chuck Driesbach, Don Lindsey and Ed Orgeron coached defense.
But, Auburn, taste the pain of getting anywhere near Ole Miss! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Arkansas 49, Vanderbilt 14
Before I stormed out, well, more like depressingly trudged of the stadium in the third quarter with Ole Miss trailing 44-17, I saw the score to this game come up on the ribbon board as Vanderbilt 14, Arkansas 6. I had a hearty laugh, quickly followed by something profane when Auburn converted another third down (9-13 for the game). Later that night, while at a bar and seeing the scores come across on ESPN, I saw this final, but was actually more stunned with Larry Smith's line than the 43-0 run that Arkansas had. 4-12 for 25 yards and one touchdown. But no interceptions!
Mississippi State 24, Kentucky 17
"This magical ride into the ionosphere of Hartline touchdowns and massive yards without interceptions and incompletions will soon be coming back to the cold, hard ground, smashing into a million pieces."
Consider that ride OVER. 23 of 41 and three INTs. Mike Hartline most certainly is who we thought he was.
GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE
Oregon 53, USC 32
So Oregon dominated and destroyed last year and there was serious discussion that USC was going to pull this off? DENIED. Final scores: 100-52.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Michael Dyer, RB, Auburn
21 carries, 180 yards, 1 TD
You are welcome, sir.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Mike Hartline, QB, Kentucky
23-41, 258 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs
It was your destiny, Mike.
JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Gene Chizik, Auburn
He avoided the upset that has plagued the number one teams this season and did so in impressive fashion. Assists go out to Tyrone Nix, Jeremy McGee, any Ole Miss safety and Trooper Taylor because that towel wasn't going to wave itself.
2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season
1. Jordan Jefferson 8
2. Ryan Mallett 7
Jeremiah Masoli 7
Stephen Garcia 7
Mike Hartline 7
6. John Brantley 6
Aaron Murray 6
8. Cam Newton 5
Tyler Russell 5
Matt Simms 5
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at South Carolina
Can the Gamecocks lock up the SEC East or will they lose and face a showdown game with Florida for the right to represent the East with three conference losses? That is a scenario no one associated with South Carolina wants to face because epic bed-shitting will ensue.
Alabama at LSU
With an off week, has Les Miles renegotiated the terms of his agreement with the Dark Prince? If so, you can forget about a trip to Atlanta, Alabama. If not, can Jordan Jefferson and Jarrett Lee take quarterbacking incompetency to new levels?