Monday, November 22, 2010

From the Weekend That Was

Alabama 63, Georgia State 7
Who had any idea that Bill Curry was capable of stirring my emotions to the point of maybe I would run through a brick wall?  This is Bill Curry, who, before Bob Davie seized the title, was the worst, most monotone college football announcer trotted out by ESPN.  Even more amazing, he manages to keep the Bill Curry monotone voice going for the entire speech.

Wait no, check that previous statement.  Let's just go with a crash sheet they use in high school games. 

South Carolina 69, Troy 24
Spurrier has said all year he wanted to put up half a hundred on someone, and he finally achieved a goal only thought of and set by Steve Spurrier.

Florida 48, Appalachian State 10
Surely you jest, John Brantley and Steve Addazio.  Either the box score is lying or Brantley really did average 10.1 yards/attempt.  For some perspective on an accomplishment of that magnitude for this Florida offense, Brantley averages 6.47 yards/attempt.  Congratulations all around.  All it took was a I-AA defense to make you look like a grown-up offense.

LSU 43, Ole Miss 36
There have been some great defenses in college football.  Great defenses with some great names.  The Desert Swarm at Arizona.  The Wrecking Crew at Texas A&M.  The Blackshirts at Nebraska.  All defenses whose play at one time or another deserved such a badass distinction.  This raises the question, at least in my rage-fueled mind, why don't bad defenses get names that offer a perfect description of their complete failures?  If I know nothing about a team, but know that their defense is known as The French Army, I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen in that game.

With that thought in mind, Tyrone Nix's defense has failed to such a level that from now ALL they way until Saturday, they shall be known as the Tyrone Nix Shitstorm.  What type of total incompetence must be shown in order to get that name?  Only THIS:

-Seven times an opposing offense has scored at least 35 points
-In the last four conference games, they've surrendered an average of 46 points a game (184 total)
-In seven conference games, they've surrendered 270 points for an average of 38.6 points a game
-Scoring defense rank (SEC):  12th
-Total defense:  11th
-Rushing defense:  8th
-Passing defense:  10th
-Passing efficiency defense:  12th
-Interceptions:  12th

And perhaps most glaringly, the Ole Miss offense, against the top defense in the SEC, the number five team in the country, on the road, scored 36 points, had 420 yards of total offense and LOST.  Yes, there was plenty of stupidity all around (Markeith Summers, Andrew Ritter, Bobby Massie to name a few), but ultimately what lost Ole Miss this game was its defense's total inability to get any kind of a stop.  It was nice to see them (and the entire team) to, you know, actually care, but the same horrible fundamentals, blown assignments and general poor individual performances still occurred and killed any chance of winning this game.

It was nice, however, to become emotionally sucked into a game and teetering on the edge of embarrassing behavior and language choices.  This season has been so dull and offering so few emotional swings (other than journeys into deep, dark places), I finally got that sweet taste of elation mixed with heavy doses of blinding rage.  AND I FELT ALIVE.  I was about one week away from arranging hobo fights with broken bottles as the weapons, while I flick matches at the participants as they drunkenly stagger and lunge at one another (due to the Steel Reserve I provided), just to know what it's like to feel something.  So thank you, Houston Nutt.  I didn't want things to sink that low.

Arkansas 38, Mississippi State 31
How dare you, Knile Davis.  After I spend three weeks touting your excellence, you betray me and nearly cost your team the game.  You hold on to the ball with 1:50 left on third down and State is forced to go 60 yards-ish in order to set up for a game-tying field goal.  Instead, they only needed 40-ish.  Again, HOW DARE YOU.  Never again will I speak of you in such glowing terms.  Unless you turn into Darren McFadden 2.0, then I have no control over my man-crush.

I made mention on Twitter after the game that I thought State nearly Sylvester Croomed their way into this win.  That's probably 75% unfair since they generated real, functioning offense for most of the game (486 yards total).  But, down 10 with 10 minutes to go, getting a gift from Knile Davis, they rallied to tie it and send it into overtime.  That is 2007 Mississippi State football.

/pauses to remember Ed Orgeron's 14-0 lead with 10 minutes to go
/stricken with paralyzing anger
/wakes up on bathroom floor
/recalls the shitcanning the following day
/donates $25 to the athletic department

Tennessee 24, Vanderbilt 10
I hope no one watched all of this game.  The body and mind are not meant to endure such challenges.

Texas A&M 9, Nebraska 6


Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Vick Ballard, RB, Mississippi State
33 carries, 150 yards, 3 TDs

Jeremiah Masoli, QB, Ole Miss
15-23, 177, 1 TD, 2 INT
11 rushes, 64 yards, 2 TDs

Our first ever tie?  Sure, first ever tie (will not research this).  Without either one of these guys, their respective teams had no chance of nearly winning their games.

Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Johnny Brown, S, Ole Miss
Andrew Ritter, K, Ole Miss
Markeith Summers, WR, Ole Miss
Jeremy Magee, CB, Ole Miss

Brown is in position to have this award named after him.  No player since Eric Oliver has run his mouth this much and made exactly ZERO plays to back up whatever the hell he says.  And if Andrew Ritter can't do the one thing he's on scholarship to do, kick the damn ball into the end zone, then he doesn't need to play anymore.  EVER.  HE HAS NO OTHER SKILLS.  We'd like our scholarship back, Andrew.  Just leave it in your locker and someone will pick it up this afternoon.  Thanks.

Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Derek Dooley, Tennessee
Thanks to a miserable SEC East and Ole Miss, Dooley has this group within one win of going to a bowl game.

2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season

1.  Jeremiah Masoli  12
2.  Jordan Jefferson 9
     Ryan Mallett  9
     Stephen Garcia  9
5.  John Brantley  8
     Mike Hartline  8
7.  Tyler Russell  6
     Cam Newton  6
9.  Matt Simms  5
     Tyler Bray  5
     Larry Smith  5

Auburn at Alabama
Mark it down, whatever big news was supposed to break in the Cam Newton story last week will break this week.  The hype machine for this game needs to be fed and what better way than AUBURN YOU ARE SO SCREWED.

LSU at Arkansas
A potential BCS bid is on the line, as well as a 10-win season for Arkansas.  Plus, it's our last chance until January or late December to see Bobby Petrino yell profanities at everyone within a five mile radius.

Mississippi State at Ole Miss (do not watch unless you are a fan of either school; trust me)
A combined 0-8 versus the SEC West.  But, hey, Kentucky.  THIS STATE OWNS YOU.


  1. I watched the LSU/Ole Miss game. JJ because of his performance got SEC offensive player of the week. What? Did they watch the game? That was one of the worst games I have seen. A really bad offense verses a really bad defense.

  2. Also. Do we LSU fans smell like corn dogs? I've never heard about this...

    I don't know what to say?

  3. I've always thought LSU fans smell like $5000 winning scratch-off lottery tickets, catching a straight flush on the river, being 10 minutes late for a plane that eventually crashes into the side of a mountain and then receiving an upgrade to 1st Class where they find themselves sitting next to a recently divorced Marissa Miller.