Friday, November 05, 2010

Cecil Newton, Sr.'s Shopping List

In a story straight out of The Courting of Marcus Dupree, which if you haven't read, you need get your ass in gear and do so, Cam Newton's football services were allegedly offered to Mississippi State for 10% off the listed price of $200,000.  The Bulldogs not-so-politely declined and notified the SEC office, and now Newton, his dad (Cecil) and Auburn find themselves in a Category 5 shitstorm, along with an NFL agent and a runner-type person. 

While my mind is currently incapable of wrapping itself around just how insane this story is, both the numbers being thrown around and the lust for an unproven JUCO quarterback, it is capable of wrapping around the idea that Cam Newton is in fact a "rented mule" (his father's quote) and the one doing the renting is none other than the good Bishop Cecil Newton.  Oh, wait.  Allegedly.  Forgot about that word.

So while we're still waiting for word from the Newton camp on just how Cecil met Kenny Rogers, other than pure coincidence (which also happens to be pure bullshit) or "when Cam Newton left Florida," which clears everything right up, let's examine what exactly Cecil Newton could have bought with the money he received for selling his son.  What's that?  Oh, right.  Allegedly.

-A repaired church (this one he actually did....allegedly)

-An endless supply of those collar things that bishops wear

-A different colored bishop shirt for every day of the week

-400 Dell Inspiron 17R laptops; retail value $499.99 (for Cam, the other kids and his congregations)

-10,000 Mainstays (Walmart brand) 6-piece bright towel set; retail value $20 (for Trooper as a thank you)

-The Yukon Territory (because it's probably available; publicly-funded health care isn't cheap)

-An editor to take this paragraph out of an article in this week's Sports Illustrated:
"Last December the choice of which college to attend came down to two schools—Auburn and Mississippi State. Newton preferred Starkville because of his close relationship with Bulldogs coach Dan Mullen, who had been Newton's offensive coordinator at Florida. But Cecil thought his son should choose Auburn, which had an experienced offensive line (four starters were returning) and was only a two-hour drive from Atlanta. Newton let his father make the final decision, and a few days before Christmas, while sitting at the dinner table in his brother's house in Jacksonville, Cecil Sr. uttered two words that would radically alter the college football landscape: "It's Auburn.""
Did they submit the highest bid?  Or did he just draw it out of a hat?  CIRCUMSTANTIAL PIECE OF EVIDENCE #2!

-Kenny Rogers' entire catalog of music out of gratitude and confusion

-A replacement Heisman Trophy for the stripped one (I'm sure The Juice's is still for sale on eBay)

-Rental dignity

-Ted Roof's loyalty (check that, Roof has already pledged his loyalty free of charge; gainful employment will do that)

-Higher IQ points for people like Kenny Rogers

-Lawyers to keep his ass out of jail when the Feds get involved


  1. Anonymous8:40 PM

    This article is so full of s#it, bogus story just to throw Cam off his game, you have NO facts to support anything written in this rambling post.

  2. First off, Auburn fan, you're exactly right. I have no facts, other than what has been reported as FACT. I only have common sense and skills of reasonable deduction, which were mercifully given to me some years ago (credit: Mom, Dad and television). Second, I never said a damn thing about Cam Newton. In fact, I feel sorry for Cam Newton. Sorry that he couldn't make his own college choice without his dad getting up in his shit and making it for him. And especially sorry that his dad was stupid enough to get involved with someone like Kenny Rogers.

    And finally, let me go ahead and point out the obvious to you, my intentions were not to "throw Cam off his game" because, mainly, CAM NEWTON DOES NOT READ THE SHIT I WRITE. Have you looked at who freaking reads this? LESS THAN 200 PEOPLE A DAY. This blog is totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. My intentions were to point out what a raging asshole his dad was and is.

    So please, go back to the Auburn family, put your blinders on, and speak ill of all the Cam haters out there. And be sure to mention this space to as many people as possible so you can get quizzical looks and questions as to why the hell you're wasting your time responding to random blogs like this one.

  3. Toast8:11 PM

    Slow clap...

  4. John Bond8:36 PM

    Gray, you can thank me for the 1000% spike in Auburn readers over the next few weeks. You might consider advertising... That could be a huge source of revenue. I've got a former teammate who's good with money.

  5. Wow, thanks, John. Glad you could take time out from your various interviews and stop by here. Hey, that reminds me, there's a high schooler that's a friend of the family and also a pretty good football player. If Dan and Mississippi State are interested, we should talk. I can trim the fat, if you know what I mean.

  6. John Bond9:29 PM

    You'll have to talk to "The Gambler" if you know what I mean. We only negotiate through him. I can, however, tell you that it'll need to be far greater than a measly 10% discount.

  7. Anonymous7:57 AM

    NCAA makes tons of money from College Football. So does SEC and other conferences. The top colleges make enough money to fund other less visible sports. But the kids, who except for their physical talents cannot smell the air inside any of these top institutions, have to resort to underground dealings to collect from the pot. The sooner they are recognized as semi-professionals, the scrupulous characters will disappear from the recruiment process.

  8. Who is anonymous? Is this the same anonymous that posted first? If so is this anonymous now changing his/her argument from "these allegations have no facts to support them," to, "the NCAA made him break the rules...its not his fault!"? Just curious.

  9. Anonymous10:22 PM

    Bammers just calm down, we got Cam and u r mad

  10. This why people don't care for Cam. Not because of his race. I'm fairly confident his dad was paid. Of course I have no proof. The SI article quoted above is a damning piece, not the only, there is a lot more that continues to point to his dad getting paid. But unfortunately this circumstantial evidence isn't enough.