While my mind is currently incapable of wrapping itself around just how insane this story is, both the numbers being thrown around and the lust for an unproven JUCO quarterback, it is capable of wrapping around the idea that Cam Newton is in fact a "rented mule" (his father's quote) and the one doing the renting is none other than the good Bishop Cecil Newton. Oh, wait. Allegedly. Forgot about that word.
So while we're still waiting for word from the Newton camp on just how Cecil met Kenny Rogers, other than pure coincidence (which also happens to be pure bullshit) or "when Cam Newton left Florida," which clears everything right up, let's examine what exactly Cecil Newton could have bought with the money he received for selling his son. What's that? Oh, right. Allegedly.
-A repaired church (this one he actually did....allegedly)
-An endless supply of those collar things that bishops wear
-A different colored bishop shirt for every day of the week
-400 Dell Inspiron 17R laptops; retail value $499.99 (for Cam, the other kids and his congregations)
-10,000 Mainstays (Walmart brand) 6-piece bright towel set; retail value $20 (for Trooper as a thank you)
-The Yukon Territory (because it's probably available; publicly-funded health care isn't cheap)
-An editor to take this paragraph out of an article in this week's Sports Illustrated:
"Last December the choice of which college to attend came down to two schools—Auburn and Mississippi State. Newton preferred Starkville because of his close relationship with Bulldogs coach Dan Mullen, who had been Newton's offensive coordinator at Florida. But Cecil thought his son should choose Auburn, which had an experienced offensive line (four starters were returning) and was only a two-hour drive from Atlanta. Newton let his father make the final decision, and a few days before Christmas, while sitting at the dinner table in his brother's house in Jacksonville, Cecil Sr. uttered two words that would radically alter the college football landscape: "It's Auburn.""Did they submit the highest bid? Or did he just draw it out of a hat? CIRCUMSTANTIAL PIECE OF EVIDENCE #2!
-Kenny Rogers' entire catalog of music out of gratitude and confusion
-A replacement Heisman Trophy for the stripped one (I'm sure The Juice's is still for sale on eBay)
-Ted Roof's loyalty (check that, Roof has already pledged his loyalty free of charge; gainful employment will do that)
-Higher IQ points for people like Kenny Rogers
-Lawyers to keep his ass out of jail when the Feds get involved