From the Weekend That Was

Week:  3-5
Final Season Results:  73-22 (.768)

Auburn 28, Alabama 27
As an Ole Miss fan who has seen and experienced dozens upon thousand-kabillions of missed opportunities that ALWAYS come back to bite you in the ass, I knew Trent Richardson's drop of a sure touchdown pass was going to do just that to Alabama.  A 28-0 lead would have been the kill shot and the end of Cam Newton prancing around like the drama queen that he is.  Instead, the game goes down as one of the all-time great choke jobs in SEC history.  And I say, WELCOME TO THAT LIST, ALABAMA.  It is a cold and unforgiving place, but provides excellent material when you launch into an incoherent rant on the general failure of every facet of your school.

And that rant may start with offensive coordinator Jim McElwain and his remarkable ability to abandon what was working (short, quick passes) in favor of a power run game into the teeth of an Auburn defense with seven to eight guys within three yards of the line of scrimmage.  Then, he maintained a dedication to that attack, despite Auburn's defense getting more and more aggressive.  I find it hard to believe Nick Saban will let such a transgression go quietly, especially after his defense did what they did in the first half, shutting down one of the best offenses in the conference and country.  The good news for Jim is that he'll have a handful of Ole Miss coaches with which he may form a support group.

Tennessee 24, Kentucky 14
I don't even pretend to know what the hell is going on with Tennessee football, so forgive my ignorance in asking this question, but why did Matt Simms start so many games again?  While I think Tyler Bray throws the ball like a drunken, poop-slinging monkey (seven picks in 179 attempts; one INT every 25.6 passes), he's exponentially better than Simms, who threw the ball like a drunken, poop-slinging monkey with no arms.

Arkansas 31, LSU 23
Finally, a team massively outgains LSU (464-294) and WINS.  I never thought we'd live to see that day.  And there is no doubt that Arkansas' 80-yard touchdown pass right before halftime, the result of two LSU DBs smashing into one another, was the sweetest sight these eyes have seen in a long, long time.  Now, LSU fans, you know how the rest of us have felt since Les Miles' insanity started working to his and your benefit.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.



Florida State 31, Florida 7
Alright then, Florida is much worse than I thought and I thought Ole Miss would have a chance to beat them.  Luckily, Urban Meyer is on record saying he's not into excuses, but solutions.  I look forward to the excuse he uses to avoid the solution, which is the dismissal of Steve Addazio.

Mississippi State 31, Ole Miss 23
From last week:
"I can't wait to yell incoherently at the TV as I watch a stunt or reckless run blitz on first and ten result in a hole the size of Nebraska opening, through which Vick Ballard or Chris Relf will sprint and evade the Ole Miss safeties by continuing to run along the same path, knowing such a horrible angle will have been taken that Johnny Brown, Fon Ingram, Damien Jackson or Brishen Matthews will just fly right by."

Easiest prediction ever?  Easiest prediction ever.  My only regret is that I only hinted that Chris Relf would win SEC Offensive Player of the Week rather than just saying he was absolutely going to win it.  I never said I was overly smart, I only think it.

As of this writing, the rumor mill is working its child laborers at a rapid, unrelenting pace.  In just the past few hours, I've heard Houston Nutt to Dallas, Houston Nutt is retiring, Houston Nutt is going to Colorado, some coaches will be fired, no coaches will be fired, Dave Rader is fired, Tyrone Nix and his brother are fired and Ole Miss is fired by its fans.  99.999999% of it of course is total bullshit, but that doesn't take away any enjoyment from guzzling it down and demanding more.

However, if Ole Miss is a legitimate football program (and I often question whether it is), someone or someones have to be fed to the fans as an "I'm sorry" gesture from Houston Nutt for the shit show we had to watch since September.  And more than likely, the main course of that meal has to be Tyrone Nix.  You don't operate the worst defense in school history and live to tell the tale.  It was obvious Nix had zero answers or adjustments for any offense or situation he faced.  By offering no improvements or even flashes of hope that he might get this thing figured out, there is no reason he should return.  Every week was a constant stream of quotes saying "we're going to work harder" and "we're going to make plays," yet none of those things held true.  If he stays, and I would not be surprised that he does, he should make exactly $1 less than Don Lindsey, Art Kaufman and Chuck Driesbach ever did, because that's what he's worth right now.

Offering up Dave Rader is not a strong enough sacrifice to those who pump money and life into the football program.  Rader's firing will be as worthless as his hiring.  It must be Nix (I would also gladly accept a few more thrown in, but will settle for just Nix) or Houston Nutt toes the line of completely losing the fanbase.

South Carolina 29, Clemson 7
Clemson fulfilled the terms of their agreement with the sports gods:  No more than eight wins, no fewer than six.

Wake Forest 34, Vanderbilt 13
A rarity for Vandy as they outgained their opponent 443-299.  Not a rarity for Vanderbilt, they lost.

Georgia 42, Georgia Tech 34
Did anyone get confirmation that Georgia Tech's quarterback did not receive an arm transplant surgery in which his donor was a 12-year old girl?  I swear I read that.  Also, it should be noted that the SEC East's bowl eligible teams, excluding South Carolina, have a combined 25 wins and 23 losses and are 1-11 against SEC West teams (congratulations, Ole Miss).

GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE
Nevada 34, Boise State 31
So Boise went from BCS championship game dark horse, and at the very least at-large birth contender, to not even going to win the WAC.  The difference between Boise State and the SEC is that when one of our kickers misses a kick that literally destroys our season, we do rage-filled, childlike things, like force him to get a new cellphone number, move, change his name, alter his daily routine, drop out of school and consider his spoken name blasphemy.  We DO NOT create a Facebook page to offer him support.  Until you learn to hate and act like morons, you'll never make it to the biggest stage.

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Chris Relf, QB, Mississippi State
13-20, 288 yards, 3 TDs, 1 INT
12 carries, 62 yards

In support of Tyrone Nix, at least Relf didn't go over 100 yards rushing like last year. Put that on your resume for your next job.

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Tyrone Nix, Defensive Coordinator, Ole Miss
The Ole Miss secondary

288 yards to Chris Relf.

JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Dan Mullen, Mississippi State

He spent all year running his mouth, and when the time came to back it up, he did.

2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season

1.  Jeremiah Masoli  13 (Winner)
2.  Ryan Mallett  11
3.  Jordan Jefferson  9
     Mike Hartline  9
     John Brantley  9
     Stephen Garcia  9
7.  Tyler Bray  7
8.  Tyler Russell  6
     Cam Newton  6
10. Larry Smith  5
     Chris Relf  5

Congratulations to Jeremiah Masoli, the second straight winner from Ole Miss.  In the past two seasons, Ole Miss starting quarterbacks have combined to throw 33 interceptions.  And who says Houston Nutt is a quarterback killer?

/tears of joy that the atrocity that was the 2010 season is now over
/gears up to be ultimately disappointed by the basketball team