Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Inside Gene Chizik's Office

Last time, when we met in the plush, all oak-walled surroundings of Gene Chizik's office, the family was returning from a fight with the members of the press hell-bent on bringing down the Auburn family and football program.  In today's episode, the guys discuss just how to handle Cecil Newton's access to Auburn, while lounging around eating sandwiches.

Chizik: This is nice, gang, sittin' here.

Jacobs: Oh, yeah. Brown baggin' it.

Taylor: The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at 10 instead of 9.

Chizik: Oh, Almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas. Cecil and I are trying this new fad called, uh, revivaling. I believe it's revivaling or rivayaling. It might be a soft "V." I'm not sure, but apparently you just sway, dance, sweat and shout for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Roof: So Gene's not coming?

Taylor: No, dawg, Gene's coming. It's the pancake breakfast. We do it every month.

Chizik: I realize that. But sometimes you gotta look at yourself and say, "When in Newnan, Georgia."

Taylor: Yo, bottom line is, you've been spending a lot of time with Cecil. You're a member of the Auburn coaching staff.

Chizik: That's a given.

Taylor: We need you, dawg. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. Don't know where to send money, who to give it to. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you. I miss your chin-jut. I miss...I miss your ferocious gum-chewing. I miss your musk. When this gets sorted out, I think you and I should get an apartment with a recruits' parents.

Jacobs: Just take it easy, Trooper. Why don't you stop talking for a while? Maybe sit the next couple of plays out. You know what I mean?

Taylor: Yeah, I'm gonna quit sayin' shit when it crops up in the ol' skull, yo.

Jacobs: See what it's like when you're not here? You're our leader. Look what you're doing to the group. Trooper's been a mess. Ted can't sleep at night.

Here's the thing, I don't trust this bishop. We need you around and he's just using you.

Chizik: Everyone, just relax. Believe me, if there's one thing Gene Chizik knows, it's fathers acting without their son's knowledge (winks). Okay?  And Cecil Newton, he's just...he's just dying to take a step back so we can finish this season undefeated without distractions.

Jacobs: I don't know, Gene.

Chizik: Guess what. I do. I know that one day, Cecil and I are going to stand in one of his churches that we paid for on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs.

And we will dance till whenever Pentecostals have to go to bed. And then Cam and the other children will form a sports agency. And we will go across the country finding schools for high school and junior college players as long as they promise to pay us a flat rate of 10% of their first NFL contract. AND YOU WON'T BE INVITED!

(extends chin a foot and a half)

Now get out of my office!

(group slinks out of his office)

Cecil, Cam, you can step out from behind the California Redwood I had imported to display in my office because I can.

(Cecil and Cam emerge)

Cecil: That was close. Maybe we should take a step back.
Cam: Dad!
Cecil: Quiet, you!

Chizik: Nonsense. This whole situation is garbage! GARBAGE I SAY! Com'on. We've got to go pick up Fairley from his Spearing:  The Destruction of Quarterbacks 554 class.

And scene.

No comments:

Post a Comment