Note: Some of these quotes are probably altered. I'm not sure what percentage "some" is, but let's set the baseline at 50%. You can compare these quotes with the real ones on the Florida site here.
Dr. Bernard Machen: Good evening, everybody. We're delighted that you could be here on the campus at the University of Florida. This is a very special time of year for us. Final exams are ongoing. This Saturday we have winter graduation where over 4,000 young men and women will get their degrees, and the Univer - NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY EDUCATION PERSON. THIS IS ABOUT FOOTBALL. GET US TO WILL MUSCHAMP CURSING AT EVERYONE.
Jeremy Foley: Thank you very much. It's good to see you all again. Obviously it's my pleasure today to introduce to the Gator Nation our new head football coach Will Muschamp. We talked last week about some things we were looking for in our football coach; obviously someone who had a familiarity with the Southeastern Conference. We felt that was very, very important.
Essentially, it was my job not to hire Ron Zook. That was our goal. Don't hire Ron Zook. And I think we achieved that goal because the man sitting up here is in fact not Ron Zook. At least that's what his driver's license and birth certificate say. Nor does he really look like him. He could one day coach like him, but at least for now, he is not him. And with that, I introduce you to Will Muschamp, not Ron Zook.
Will Muschamp: Well, it's great to be here. I am certainly honored and proud to be the head football coach of the University of Florida. It's a great day certainly for my family and Florida. I want to thank Dr. Machen. We've got to have leadership here that is remotely concerned with books and shit. Can't have morons running around representing the University of Florida. Lord knows there are plenty of those people already out there:
When Jeremy called me, we first had our conversations, he talked about a fit, and really when he started describing exactly what he was looking for, he wanted somebody that was a little something like this:
(whips out iPhone to play video)
That's right, BOOM MOTHERF-
Foley: Uh, whoa, hold on there coach. Not sure we can say that here.
Muschamp: My apologies, Jeremy. Just a little excited to be here. Haha! BOOM! JUST FOR EFFECT! BOOM!
Anyway, as I was saying, I agree with Jeremy and his research that there is a certain fit you look for in all situations, and again, I feel like I'm the right fit for Jeremy, and I can certainly tell you you're not going to regret that. I'm excited about the opportunity.
And more importantly, I'm not waiting on anyone to say the game has finally passed them by, or has lost the ability to be an asshole. I'm not here to make friends with my players. Tell 'em how much I love 'em. Now, I may love 'em, but I express my feelings through screams of profanity. The more a player meets a freight train of F-bombs and general cursing in all directions, the more he's in my good graces. Strange tactics? Probably. But I grew up under Coach Saban, who loves me like a son, but to this day calls me Shitstick Magee. True story.
But we're going to have programs set for our players that are going to help with leadership development, character development and the mental conditioning it takes to be successful. It's all about making good choices and decisions nowadays. There's a lot of distractions out there. Like HAVE YOU SEEN THE GIRLS THAT GO HERE? ARE CLOTHES EVEN REQUIRED? BOOM AND DOUBLE BOOM!
There's a lot of things that can go wrong when you make a poor choice and decision. Like say, 30 arrests in six seasons. I want to do great job of conditioning our players to make good choices and decisions. And again, I think that's something that we can supplement our plan with here at Florida along with our football, along with our academic, along with our social, along with our spiritual to make sure that our players are exposed to those types of things. So we'll be locking them in the football complex for hours at a time. That's the most effective treatment I've found to date.
Foley: Again, uh, not sure that's-
Muschamp: BOOM! I'M TALKING NOW. As for offense, we will be a pro style attack offensively. This is a major upgrade from last year because it will be an actual attack and not a stationary front or constant action in reverse. And, most importantly, we will stop snapping the ball by our quarterback and snap it to him.
Roars of approval, followed by Muschamp fist pumping repeatedly and letting more BOOMS loose
Muschamp: The University of Florida is a powerful place. It's a flagship University in this state. BOOM! FSU! WHAT NOW! As for those reports that Jimbo Fisher are friends? Not true. We were friends. Just got back from our shared beach house where I left a present in his room. Ate my last meal in Austin at Salt Lick and that room was the first place in Florida I announced my presence with authority. I-
Foley: Coach, what does-
Muschamp: Again, Jeremy, BOOM! I'm STILL TALKING. But I need to wrap this thing up. Only brought one pair of underwear here from Austin. Got too excited and forgot to pack. Plus, I haven't yelled BOOM! at everything on campus yet. I missed that group of trees earlier because I wasn't paying attention.
So let me end with this, I told the team there's two things you can control right now, how you prepare for the Bowl game and how you finish on exams, and not necessarily in that order (winks). So let's finish strong academically and let's have a great bowl preparation and let's have a great bowl game, send the seniors out right, send Coach Meyer out right, maybe a couple more arrests to go out in style, and when we come back in January we're going to let the chips fall where they go BOOM!