ESPN's czar of the BlackBerry and friend of every person named Source or Sources, Joe Schad, is on the case of the Miami, Florida and Pitt job openings. Though, one could argue the Pitt jobs is already reserved for an ex-NFL coordinator or coach, thus there is no opening there (Norv Turner, you, sir, have life after San Diego). Regardless, Schad has been busy working all lines of communication, including one of his top sources:
That Guy Down By The Pier
After an early afternoon craving for halibut, Schad had the valet bring around his jet black Audi S4 and headed down to the pier (He eats the things right off the boat. Is it weird? No doubt. Safe? Only if you've got a stomach like Schad's. Economical? I did mention the S4, right?). After polishing off his halibut, he decided that he might as well kill two birds with one stone and went looking for his guy. He found That Guy Down By The Pier smoking a heater and watching two fellow pier residents throw pieces of glass at seagulls trying to out-muscle them for some Cheetos.
Once Schad agreed to pay for a 24-piece, $3.99 shrimp ring from Captain D's, That Guy Down By The Pier started talking. Schad furiously transcribed juicy details with the world's most agile BlackBerry thumbs and here's what he's now reporting.
MIAMI
Tommy Tuberville
"He's not not happy about being in Lubbock, but he's not pleased either. How the hell he lasted this long, I'll never know. Let's see if the winter breaks him. You ever been to Lubbock in January? Passed through there once on the way to Amarillo. Let's put it this way, I'd rather live under a pier and fight ex-longshoremen with broken bottles over scraps of blubber than spend 45 seconds in Lubbock in late January."
Mike Leach
"He was not really a candidate, but has recently become one because he keeps talking to every person with a microphone, pen and keyboard how great he'd be at Miami. Sort of like a form of brainwashing. Like the George Costanza treatment. Co-stan-za! Damn, I loved that show. By the way, you do realize he went from Lubbock to Key West. I tried to figure out on my calculator just how big of a percentage upgrade that was, but it was missing the six, eight and nine buttons."
Michael Irvin
"The Playmaker's got his radio show in Dallas, but he misses talking to the kids. Particularly reminding them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again just how they did things when he was at the U. And how they're not living up to that legacy. Then he'll show them one of the Super Bowl rings and indignantly walk out. Not sure that's what they're looking for though."
Dave Wannstedt
"The University is pushing hard across all fronts to become more "green." And what better way for the football program to do their part than by hiring 100% recycled material. He recruits well so there will be no pollutants left when he's fired in four years. Sure he's not as sturdy and quality as original material, but Miami should get a nice tax break for being so eco-friendly."
FLORIDA
Dan Mullen
"Seems to be the first name everyone thought of when Urban called it quits. I'm not so sure he gets the first call. Or the second. Or the third. Maybe fourth. Probably fifth. Florida first has to go through their standard checklist of Bob Stoops, Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden before moving on to people who might actually take the job."
Bobby Petrino
"Even with a 10-2 record, things have grown a little stale in Fayetteville. After all, he's been there for TWO YEARS. That kind of commitment wears a man down. Plus, it's been quite some time since he firmly planted a knife in someone's back."
Tim Tebow
"Yeah, he's still hoping the NFL thing works out, but have you seen his throwing motion? Looks like a softball windup. I thought they worked on that. If Florida put a plaque up commemorating some speech he gave after they LOST and before he graduated, they'll offer him the job. Though, I think they think he is still eligible to play."
The Head Ball Coach
"He's got the stink of South Carolina all over him, which is much like the smell of rotting halibut, but nothing washes that off like a virtually unlimited athletic budget and talent sitting on your front porch. And no Stephen Garcia."
PITT
Norv Turner
"Probably book it."
Dave Campo
"Book it."
Sylvester Croom
"BAM!"
/all 27 Pitt fans jump off bridge into the Allegheny
/State fans cackle with delight
this is just pure genius
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