Tuesday, March 08, 2011

What Else Did Jim Tressel Know And Not Tell Us?

Thanks to Yahoo! Sports, who, to steal from "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," has loosed the fateful lightning of their terrible swift sword against NCAA athletics programs and their cheating ways, we now know that Ohio State coach Jim Tressel knew about the selling of memorabilia by Terrelle Pryor and other players some eight months before the school claims they learned of the sales. 

If proven, which will require Yahoo!'s anonymous source to become not anonymous, which will probably be much harder than the simplicity of that statement makes it out to be, Ohio State and Tressel can expect a swift kick to the crotch from the NCAA, followed by stern lecturing on paper, finger-wagging and some form of probation, loss of scholarships, etc.  Oh, and Tressel will have to change his vest color from red to a more neutral tone as he enters temporary unemployment.

So what other secrets did Tressel know and keep to himself, thinking it wouldn't be that big of a deal, only to have the rest of the world stunned upon hearing the news?  How long has he kept America in the dark about events in our culture?  DOES HE KNOW WHO SHOT KENNEDY?

A lengthy, 17-minute investigation by The Belly of the Beast uncovered that Jim Tressel knows way more than anyone not sitting in the Oval Office ever should.  The findings:

-At a Brooks Brothers store in New York City in 1988, Mikhail Gorbachev confided to Tressel that he wasn't sure this Communist thing was going to hold up, and that Tressel should ditch the sweater and go with the sweater vest ("Great cool under arms.") 

-In 1992, while waiting in line to use the restroom in the Viper Room in Los Angeles, a highly intoxicated Slash told Tressel that he "wanted to choke the life out of Axl" and couldn't wait to break up THE GREATEST BAND OUR OF TIME

/continues struggle with closure

-In 1999, Tressel learned that Y2K was nothing more than an elaborate prank by Caltech students to make fun of something about MIT that no one else would get, but since a rotary phone was the latest piece of technology he owned, Tressel assumed Y2K was a fantasy board game, like Chutes and Ladders

-December of 2001, in the 19th hole of an exclusive golf club located in noneofyourbusiness, Steve Spurrier informed Tressel that he was going to resign and that Florida was considering hiring someone named "Lon Zork, or something like that" to replace him, then asked Tressel if he knew anything about him, to which Tressel gave a Senatorial thumbs up

-In 2005, once again in the Viper Room (I know, but I think he stopped going after this visit), Tressel learned that Nicolas Cage was set to star in a film titled The Wicker Man, which will later cause blindness in those who made it past the 23-minute mark of the film

-Early January 2007, his Ohio State team and coaches broke the news to him that they were not very fast at all, and should probably be worried about Florida's team speed, but the game plan would remain unchanged

-February 2011, Tressel received a text from Charlie Sheen (an old friend from the Viper Room days) informing Tressel that he feels a little stressed from the rigors of going half-assed speed while filming a half-assed sitcom

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