Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Inside Gene Chizik's Office

Last time, when we met in the plush, all oak-walled surroundings of Gene Chizik's office, the family was discussing just how to handle Cecil Newton's access to Auburn, while lounging around eating sandwiches.  In today's episode, the family conducts its daily staff meeting in which it learns that AUBURN PAYS EVERYONE.

Taylor: Dawg, that was one crazy party last night. I mean, shiiiiiiiiTTT! I am hung. Over.

Malzahn: Tell me about it. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I mean it. Literally. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive. So I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don't know what to name it.

Roof: I'm sorry, Gus. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Jacobs: All right, guys. Let's focus up. Morning, everyone. Here are the stories that don't involve us doing something wrong. It looks like Ohio State may be forced to fire Jim Tressel.

Intern: This is a big one.

Jacobs: This could be the big story of the spring and summer. Bobby and the boys will be trying to play this one up as much as they can. And speaking of Bobby and the boys, word on the street is that they've got a high-paying, zero responsibility corporate position that needs someone with a known face to take over. So, Gene...

Chizik: (wakes up from nap) Huh, Bobby? Are they here?

Jacobs: A lot of you have been hearing the other schools in the conference complaining about a lack of compliance or ethics around here.

Malzahn: What in the hell are compliance and ethics?

Chizik: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe those are old, old wooden ships that were used during the Civil War era.

Jacobs: I would be surprised if the schools in the conference were concerned about the lack of old wooden ships, but nice try. Compliance and ethics mean that times are changing, and with that in mind...Gene, are you paying attention?

Chizik: Nope.

Jacobs: This concerns all of us.

Chizik: Okay.

Jacobs: Keeping that in mind, I'd like to introduce the reporter behind the latest addition to the stories that are going to destroy us, all the way from HBO Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, Andrea Kramer.

Kramer: Hello, everyone.

Chizik: OH!

Kramer: I just want you all to know that I look forward to interviewing all of you and finding out more about this university's sterling reputation of cheating.

Scene moves to Jay Jacobs' office where the family is engaged in heated conversation.

Taylor: Come'on, Jay! It's bullcrap, dawg! Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. They rev my engine, but they don't belong in our football complex.

Malzahn: It is newsMAN, not newsLADY!

Taylor: And that is a scientific fact, dawg.

Malzahn: Uh-huh.

Roof: I don't know what we're yelling about!

Taylor: Gene, yo, what you think, dawg?

Chizik: She...'s terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!

Taylor: Mm-hmm. Word, dawg.

Roof: Loud noises!

Jacobs: All right, everyone relax. She's not gonna take away from New York Times or Yahoo! Sports interviews.

Roof: I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.

Taylor: Well, that's just great, dawg. You hear that, Jay? Bears. Now you're putting the whole football complex in jeopardy.

Malzahn: I will say one thing for her, Jay, she does have a nice, big old behind. I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that butt and just bite, bite, bite, bite, munch, munch, munch! Ah-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Jacobs: (laughing) Stop it! Oh, jeez.

Malzahn: Look at the full-moon butt!

Kramer walks into the room.

Taylor: Gus! Gus! Gus! Gus!

Kramer: Mr. Jacobs, I was just wondering if you knew when my interview space would be ready.

Jacobs: Well, that might take some time. For now, why don't you just set up near all the beat writers.


Jacobs: Lower your voice, Gene.

Chizik: Mm-hmm.

Kramer: All right. Thank you, Mr. Jacobs. I'll go get set up.

Kramer leaves the room.

Malzahn: Oh, she is a saucy mama! I mean, I would...

And scene.

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