Macy's and the SEC Unknowingly Poke Walmart With a Sharp, Pointy Stick

Ever since it could be found in every town with more than 82 people, Walmart has always been the unofficial superstore/kind-of-department-store (they sell clothes, right?) and place to prominently display championship trophies of the Southeastern Conference.  It's low prices and convenience of one-stop shopping have made it appealing at one time or another to all economic classes of the South, placing it, based on my completely unscientific research, as the most-frequented retail store in the lands which make the SEC. 

As of today, that free ride is over.  The SEC announced that it has signed a sponsorship deal with Macy's in which the department store will become the official department store of the SEC and all SEC Championship events (it remains unclear if trophy displays will start taking place here).  Most importantly, this means use of conference logos and merchandise, which leaves Walmart out of the loop.  Granted, most of Walmart's SEC merchandise is already non-licensed crap made with imitation mesh, but a smattering of officially licensed products could be found.  Now, one can assume, that smattering is gone.

Why should a store like Walmart, which makes roughly 45.7 gabillions of dollars a year care about the small drop of revenue they're probably going to lose because of this agreement?  The best answer is they shouldn't, but Walmart is a corporation that couldn't love a human baby as much as they love selling stuff you don't need, but sure as hell want at that very moment, and destroying every competitor, no matter the threat level.

So they're not taking this perceived threat from Macy's lightly.  In fact, they've already started mobilizing to protect their interests.

Now that seems a little extreme, no? The good news for the rest of us is that we can now find laser-guided bombs in the Outdoors Department on sale for $378.42.

MERCY IS FOR THE WEAK!!!  YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE AMOUNT OF NAPALM WE USED ON THAT MOM AND POP DECORATIVE LAMP STORE THAT WAS WITHIN A HALF MILE OF STORE #2982739239 IN MCPHERSON, KANSAS.

It was a good run, Macy's, but until you have enough piles of money in old 747 airplane hangars to pay for a squadron of Stealth Bombers, you are royally screwed.

WE LOVE YOUR FLAVOR, SWEET VICTORY!