Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Russell Wilson Interviews For Auburn Job

Former NC State quarterback and current minor league baseball player, Russell Wilson was on Auburn's campus Tuesday, taking in the sights and sounds of coaches pleading with him to keep them from having to start Barrett Trotter/Clint Moseley/Neil Caudle/The Ghost of Chris Todd at quarterback for the 2011 season. 

Wilson was dismissed from the NC State team by head coach Tom O'Brien for not being committed enough to football and, oddly, for not being more like Mike Glennon (The rest of the world aches for you, Mike Glennon, because you are allegedly better than a three-year starter with a career made up of 8,545 passing yards 76 passing touchdowns, and 17 rushing touchdowns. Probably not gonna go very well for you, sir.).

Wilson has been contacted by at least 12 schools, but first sat down with Gene Chizik to discuss his potential employment (THERE'S NO OTHER WORD TO USE) with Auburn:

"Hello, Russell. Come on in and have a seat. Watch out for the chin, it gets away from me sometimes when I'm amped up."

"Uh, yeah, sure thing, Coach. Thanks for having me here today."

"Let me get this headset off so I can relax a little bit. See if we can't get that chin back under control."

"There we go. Much better. The tension just melts away when I lose that thing. But I like to wear it around during the day. I think it helps me keep an edge."

"Uh, yeah, that makes sense I guess."

"So, how's your spring been so far? Baseball going well?"

"Yeah, not too bad. Had some good games, hopefully just get better as the season goes on."

"I hear ya, that's our motto around here too. Well, after "All In," "Auburn Family," and "Auburn Men," then it's our motto. Just trying to get better each day.

"But enough about mottos, Russell, we wanted to bring you in and talk a little football with you. See what you're thinking, where your head's at. Coach Malzahn will probably join us in a bit to talk some philosophy, but for right now..."

(The door to the office flies open)


"Ted? What the hell are you doing? I'm in a meeting!"

"Oh, sweet Russell. You are here. You've got to come here, Russell. You don't know what they'll do to me if the offense can't score. They're gonna fire me, Russell! I can't go back to that world of cold mac and cheese and tuna. I can't! I won't! You can save me, Russell. You can save me!"

"Ted, get the hell out of here! What's the matter with you!?!? Hey, let go of him! TROOPER!!!"

"Right here, boss. What's the matte...TED! Man, what's wrong with you? You said you were just going to the bathroom! Let go of his legs!"

"Get him off of Russell!"

"What's wrong with this man? I'm losing feeling in my legs!"

"His grip strength is incredible!"


"I got him free! Come'on, Ted. Back to storage closet with you!"

(Taylor drags Roof out of Chizik's office with Roof screaming about injustice and tuna.)

"I'm terribly sorry about that, Russell. Ted gets a little excited sometimes. Hell, we're all a little excited that you're here. Your skill set has everyone thinking about the great things we could accomplish together."

"Coach, that man is crazy. I don't want to see him anymore.  He's like Coach O'Brien that time he electrocuted himself."

"He's gone, Russell. He's gone. I can call Cam Newton up right now so you can ask him how many times he interacted with him. I'll save you the suspense and tell you it was once. And it happened just the way it happened with you. Then look what happened with Cameron's career. I'm telling you, Russell, that you could be the next Cam."

"I don't know about that, Coach, he's one of the best of all-time."

"You know what I know, Russell? What Coach Malzahn knows? What Barrett Trotter and the other Chris Todds know? You can be one of the best. Coach Malzahn always puts his players in a position to be great, and if you have an inkling of skill, you can do very well for yourself and us. Trust me, those Chris Todds want you to do this. You think they want to put their skills on public display? Hell no they don't. They, I, Gus, we all want you."

"Man, that sounds awesome. I've always wanted to play in the SEC. You know, to find out what that experience is like. Let me ask you this..."

(The door opens and Trooper Taylor returns)

"Man, dawg, that was crazy. Right, Russell?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so."

"You know it, dawg. Hit me with it."

(extends fist for fist pound)
(Wilson returns the fist found)

"That's what I'm talkin' about right there, Russell Wilson!"

(pulls towel out of pocket and waves it for 45 seconds)

"See what I mean when I'm talking about everyone's excited?"

"Haha! You know it, Coach! So, are we gonna do this or what?"

"Do what?"

(speaking in hushed tone, leans forward)
"Well, Russell, the thing is we really want you here. I think we've made that clear. The question is do you want to be here? And if so, what can we do for that to happen?"

"Wow, well, you guys have shown me how much you care, and that's important to me. I appreciate that. But I kinda wanted to talk with Coach Malzahn about the offense. You know, what he likes his quarterbacks to do."

"Hahaha! You hear that, Coach? That's a good one, dawg. I like this guy, man. We need more funny on our team."

"Coach Malzahn is down in his lab working on a faster, more efficient way for his offense to run. He usually doesn't come to this meeting."

"But I thought you said he'd..."


"Yo, man, this meeting is about the package. You know stuff like that. What things you want out of this, so everybody's happy."

"Like a scholarship and books?"

"Hahaha! Man, that is rich, dude! Where'd you find this guy, Coach?

"Wait, there's more to it than that? Meal plans?"

"Boy, you must be from the ACC!"

"That was moderately amusing, Trooper."

"I, I don't understand. What more do I need than tuition, books, and food?"

"Such a sweet kid. Let's talk a walk, Coach and Russell. Too many ears could be around here. We'll talk more details as we go."

"Man, no wonder the ACC sucks. Hahaha! Hey, y'all go on ahead, I'll catch up. Need to check on Ted."

(Chizik and Wilson leave)
(Taylor pulls out his phone and dials a number)

"Tate Forcier, my man. How's it goin' today, dawg."

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