Jared Lorenzen Will Eat His Meals And What You Don't Eat, Then Throw Touchdown Passes

I'd like all of your salads, please. No, ALL OF THEM. WITH BACON BITS.

The former Kentucky quarterback and one-time favorite snack of Ole Miss defensive end Derrick Burgess has resurfaced after his days in the NFL ended in 2008. Lorenzen can now be found as the current quarterback of the Northern Kentucky River Monsters of the Ultimate Indoor Football League. Originally hired as the team's general manager, Lorenzen believed he still had some magic left in his doughy left arm and made himself the quarterback.

And so far, it's worked out pretty well. As of yesterday, the River Monsters are 10-2 and Lorenzen has thrown 69 touchdown passes and leads the league in passing yards and efficiency. It also helps that he's the biggest damn person on the field and the ball looks like a Nerf ball in his hands.







And it never hurts to STILL HAVE SOME WHEELS:



That sound you just heard hitting the floor was not Lorenzen plodding into your town, but Derrick Burgess passing out from excitement, knowing another career opportunity awaits him.