Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Please Don't Get Kicked Off Florida's Football Team, Ja'Juan Story

Incoming Florida wide receiver Ja'Juan Story was recently interviewed by GatorCountry.com, as they offer their readers a profile of the newest members of the Gator football team.  The results of this interview were quite strong to exceptionally strong.  Which reminds me, if I read that Story was arrested for the 478th time for marijuana possession, texting his girlfriend that's going to kill her, or firing an AK-47 into the air (seriously, that guy was let back on the team - Urban Meyer, everyone!), I'm coming for you, Will Muschamp.  I'm coming for you.  It would be a crime to let someone so honest and good at interviews not spend four years getting even better at interviews.

Excerpts from the Story interview:
Q: Who are you planning on rooming with at Florida?
A: I don’t know that either. I’m just gonna move there. I don’t know nothing.
No need to get bogged down in important details. Besides, Janoris Jenkins' room is available if you want that.
Q: What do you think is one of the biggest challenges you’ve overcome?
A: Well, one, growing up without a dad. I mean, he went to jail when I was like a baby.
Q: How has that affected you?
A: Everybody always had their dads, like dad figures. Me, all I had was my mom, and my brother, but my brother moved away. So really it was all my mom I had. Everybody needs like their father figure, so that’s affected me.
Damn you, human side to the story.  How dare you make me feel some form of emotion for a player on a team I do not care about.  UGH.  WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE A ROBOT? 
Q: Okay, let’s switch gears a little bit. What are you planning on majoring in?
A: Business Management. I already have it thought up, I want to have this business, so I gotta take business and own the business.
Q: What kind of business?
A: It’s going to be mostly sports, but I don’t want to tell you my idea, you might steal it.
Excellent choice, young Ja'Juan. If the Florida business school is anything like the Ole Miss business school, you've just introduced yourself to four years of no attendance policies, three tests a class, and an optional final exam. Oh, and most of the notes will be on the Internet (note: This was a novel thing back in the early 2000s, so it may not be such a great selling point now). And with all of that combined with your business idea, you're already two steps ahead of the suckers in liberal arts and stuff that requires attendance and daily work.
Q: if you were a character from a Disney movie, who would you be and why?
A: Aladdin, I think he’s pretty cool, he’s like easy going, cool guy, and he has Jasmine. I like how he wears his little vest with it open.
AN EYE FOR FASHION!  What a Renaissance Man!
Q: What’s your favorite pre-game ritual?
A: Well, I take a doodoo. Before every game I doodoo.
Q: That’s your FAVORITE pregame ritual?
A: Well, that’s the only thing I do. That’s one thing I have to do before every game, or I won’t feel energy, and I’ll just feel slow. When I do I just feel light on my feet and everything, and I feel faster, so that’s what I do.
Q: You know I’m going to write this in a story right?
A: Well, I mean, that’s what it is. I doodoo and then listen to Katy Perry.
You cut to the core of me, Ja'Juan Story.

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