Just one of many, many reasons the rapture never came to fruition this weekend:
Stolen from somewhere on the Internet, but can't remember exactly where.
Even North American white Jesus can't handle Macho Man coming off the top turnbuckle.
Or it's possible we're dead and waiting for one last person, our own Dr. Jack Shephard, whoever/whomever that might be, to die and meet us in a church in Los Angeles so we can all walk into a really bright light, followed by millions of people screaming indignant things about how this is not how it's supposed to end.
Up next on the doomsday clock, the Mayans, who have December 23, 2012 pegged as the end of times. Too bad none of the true Mayans will be around to say, "We told you so" or be mercilessly mocked.
Speaking of mercilessly mocked, the schematic advantage will continue being what it is, an advantage that comes and goes as it pleases with no understanding by its pilot as to why it does so, but its pilot will be paid until 2015 for one good season of the advantage. I'm waiting for the day when a level-headed athletic director doesn't immediately back up a dump truck full of money to a coach's front door after one good season. Show everyone it can be done twice before you get enough money to never have to work again even after you are fired for being not good at what you do.
And while we're on that...oh, what's that? Hey there, Sports Illustrated. What? You want me back? And you'll give me a free Houston Texans jacket?
What better way to support the failed, yet still employed, Gary Kubiak era than a cheap jacket and a subscription to a magazine in which I can read all the major articles for free online.
Other things that aren't free? Putting on an unnecessarily long award presentation (is there any other kind?) to celebrate and acknowledge the best player in college football. Unless Charles Woodson is in the field, at which point, the player who has run back a punt for a touchdown against an overrated Big 10 team (again, is there any other kind? ZING!!!) will automatically be awarded the Heisman.
Though no Heismans were won or lost this weekend, an actual college football game was played, and not one of the spring variety. But, rather, one of the Tanzania variety. Drake, of NCAA Tournament reference point, beat a team of all-stars from Mexico 17-7 in what was called the Global Kilimanjaro Bowl in Arusha, Tanzania. The idea of a Mexican all-star football team seems about as silly as the United States sending an all-star soccer team to play in a world tournament.
/continues to deal with anger issues related to World Cup loss to Ghana
/WHY WERE YOU SO SLOW AND BAD, DEFENSE?
And finally, Ole Miss picked up a late football commitment in Georgia defensive back Denzel Nkemdiche. On the immediate front, Nkemdiche provides another warm body to throw out into a secondary that was one of the conference's worst last season and has four scholarship players at cornerback. On the down-the-road front, Nkemdiche's brother, Robert, a defensive end, is expected to be one of the top recruits in the country in 2013 and will most likely sign with the school his older brother is attending.
/vomits from thinking and talking about recruiting two years from now
Unfortunately for the brothers Nkemdiche and for Ole Miss fans, we all know how this is going to play out. In January of 2012, Robert will announce his intentions to attend Ole Miss, locking up one of the biggest recruits to come to Ole Miss. In March of 2012, Denzel will be kicked off the team for doing whatever dumb things college football players like to do. Robert will then re-open his recruitment and never step foot on the Ole Miss campus. I'm sorry Nkemdiches, but this is what happens when you cast your lot with Ole Miss. PAIN, AGONY, AND BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT CONSTANTLY SWIRLING ABOUT.